Sharing our Story

Hi all. sorry I have been MIA in the blogging world for a little while.  A couple things have attributed to that. 


Partially it is due to the fact that we are coming up on Elisa's diagnosis day, and the holidays and things have just been hard.


Secondly is that after much though, I decided as part of October Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, that I was going to be more open about my story.


Because of that, I decided to share my story, and feelings, with a lot of my family and friends, via a more public facing blog I started: adventureswithbabybeluga.blogspot.com


Now that I have that up and running, I will likely blog over there more often, so I wanted to let those of you who have been following me here, know.


Please feel free to check out my new blog. 


Love and prayers to you all

Back in the Pit

It's been a while since I've written, and I am not going to lie, it is because the last month has been hard. 4 pregnancy announcements by friends in the last three weeks and I have just been mad and sad.

And all I have had over the last month since writing is another set of BFN and now just waiting for CD1,  I am just getting so discouraged.  Two out of the 4 people are good friends I talked to last year when I was pregnant with Elisa and they said they weren't ready to have a baby, but were going to try after big trips this year, one to Italy, and the other to Ireland.

Well they went on their trips, and doing the math based on their due dates, they both got pregnant right away.

It just seems like everyone else out there gets pregnant just by thinking about it, and stay on their perfect little plans.  And I am stuck here, with over three years of trying (I know, not as long as so many others out there) with my heart broken twice by two babies in heaven.

I know we have only been really actively trying for 3 months, but it is just so hard.

And to top it all of, I know that even if we are able to get pregnant, it is not going to fix things.  I still will never get my babies back.

I am just so heartbroken on so many levels

Another one bites the dust

CD1....uggghh

I knew when we started trying again it would be an emotional roller coaster. I know from past experience, it takes us a long time to get pregnant.  But I had a tiny itty bitty glimmer of hope, that maybe it would be different this time, maybe something would just click and we would get pregnant quickly, but no such luck.....

It doesn't help that it had to line up so quickly with Luca's birthday. Not like I needed all those extra hormones to make me feel even more emotional.

We had another meeting with our NaPro doctor this week too, which it was nice to get a check in on things.  More supplements added to the list, it's ridiculous the number of pills I take morning and night now, but they are all for the better of my health, and hopefully a smoother pregnancy if and when that happens.

I really do know that in the grand scheme of things 2 cycles is nothing, especially with our history, but I also can't help but panic a little with every CD 1, wondering if it will ever happen, or if my only children will be the ones that are already in heaven

Happy Birthday Luca

Happy Birthday Luca

Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.

We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating.  We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.

My body slowly realized the horrible truth, spotting through the days prior, and then later in the afternoon the low achy pains in my back began.  As evening went on the pain worsened.  The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.

But that's what a lot of people don't realize about about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.

That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life.  Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lighting storm flashed the night sky.  Your daddy and I paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain.  The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be loosing you.

You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made both your daddy and I separate from reality, we had not sense of time.  What is so amazing about this timing though is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby.  Which all I can think of is that must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.

We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us.  Please pray for us, and love and welcome your little sister up there.

I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.

Love,

Mommy

28 Weeks

Today marks 28 weeks since Elisa was born sleeping.  We had 28 weeks with her, while she was alive here on earth, 28 precious weeks in utero. 28 of the happiest and scariest weeks of my life. 28 weeks filled with so much joy and love for my daughter, 28 weeks of so much fear and worry that she would not make it. Tomorrow marks a line I don't want to cross, more days since she has been gone than I had with her.  Every day widens the gap

Significant Dates

Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"

A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way.  I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.

As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test.  After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps.  With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.  I would have just waited for CD1 if that was an option, but since I was on progesterone supplements, I needed to take the test to know, and stop the progesterone, so the next cycle would start.

I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging, and sat down to do the oh so familiar routine.  With Pregnancy Tests and Ovulation Tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.

I did the deed, and then put the stick on the sink and set the timer.  There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.

A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.

But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines.  I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mr V from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSATIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant.  I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying.  We couldn't believe it....

We started talking and were in awe of the timing.  Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.

There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mr V's last day at his old company.  This job was no where near as stressful as the one he had three years ago, but it also wasn't a great fit.  He wasn't miserable, but he also wasn't happy.  July 31st 2014 was his last day at that company, and he was about to start his new job, a role he had been wanting for a long time, and at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!

July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary

July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married

It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.

Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy.  We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival.  We would be advised to terminate, and we would adamantly oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero.  That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.

Today is just the beginning of these significant dates.  I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies.  We have Positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays.  A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"

So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca and now they are both in heaven, and I am still here missing them every day

These last few weeks have been hard...

Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.

We got back home being with Mr V's family late last Tuesday.  The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's.  It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.

We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother S, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos.  Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mr. V loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.

To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.

I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.

First off, S's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday.  Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever.  I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much.  I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.

Second, the night before was CD1.  Although we know we didn't "try hard" last cycle, and we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date.  I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen?  will we ever have a take home baby?"

It just seems like all of this is so much.  I now I only have once choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.

More loss in the family

I don't even know where to start tonight.  I really can't believe that we have experienced another loss in the V family.  I haven't written much about it on here, because it doesn't have to do with baby loss, but a few weeks back Mr V's older brother had a stroke.  He seemed to be on the mend and was recovering very well but Monday he had a second stroke and rapidly declined.  He passed away Monday evening at only 41 years old

So now we have flown to be with Mr V's family and are facing another devastating loss.

My heart is just broken. Broken for my own pain, broken for Mr V's pain and broken for his mother's pain.

On this upcoming Monday, three days after our 5th wedding anniversary and exactly 6 months after Mr V and I held our daughter for the first and last time, we will be burring his brother.

Mr V has lost so much, I feel like everyone he loves is slowly being taken from him. His father, his daughters and now his brother.  When will the sorrow end?

And then there is my mother-in-law, I cannot even find the words to describe her pain.  I know all too well a mother's sorrow, but I do not know the sorrow of losing a child after 41 years of life. I do not know the compounded grief she has after having lost someone from every generation around her, her own mother, her husband, two siblings, two granddaughters, and now a son.  She has been so strong through all of her losses, faithful that God is looking out for her, but yet again tragedy has struck.

For now we are out of town with Mr V's family, and I know we will get through these next few days of funeral arrangements and logistics, but I just am so worn down from hit after hit, sorrow after sorrow and once again having to return to the real world with another new normal.

Meeting My New Niece

Last week I met my new niece C for the first time.  There were so many emotions involved in this meeting, I was nervous, I was scared, I was happy for my brother, I was sad for myself, I was angry.


Sad and angry that my daughter is not here, that I am childless yet again and others seem to breeze through pregnancy without even a hiccup.  Sad that C and Elisa will never meet, sad that I miss my daughter and will miss her growing up with her cousin.


I really didn't know what to expect when I walked in my parents house to meet her.  We chose my parents house, so that we could stop by and make an easy exit if we wanted to, without being to rude, but being at my parents house was also hard.  Like Elisa should be a granddaughter there too.


My arms were empty walking in to their house, and my heart was heavy.  I so very much want to be, and am happy for my brother, but I am so sad for Mr V and I.


Although it was so very hard to be there, I am glad we went.  I was surprised by my reaction in many ways.  First holding C actually felt good, felt healing.  Holding her made me realize how much I do want to have children here on earth.  Now that we have been medically cleared to try again, I have been terrified at the idea of trying.  Terrified that we will try and we will fail, that we won't be able to get pregnant.  Terrified that we will try and fail, and loose another baby.


But holding C reminded me of why I want to be a mom, and that it is in my bones, in my soul to want to be a mother to a child on this earth, to give Luca and Elisa a baby sibling.


On the opposite side, holding C was hard, feeling good holding her made me feel guilty, like I was betraying my baby girls by enjoying the warm feeling of another baby.  I know my girls know I love them, but I couldn't help it.  I spent the time we were there swinging between wanting to hold her longer, to hold on to that feeling of hope of children on earth, and wanting someone to take her away so that I wouldn't feel so guilty.


What I was even more surprised about was that holding her was not the hardest, it was seeing other people hold her.  I felt like it should be my Ellie that they should be holding and gawking over, but instead they are memorized with this other child, as if the hurt and devastation to Elisa never happened.


It is so strange to be in this place of paradox.  Being full of love and happiness for my brother, sister in law and baby C, but being just as full of sadness and hurt. 

This is just so hard

It's been a long week, and it's only Tuesday.

Saturday was 5 months since we lost Elisa

Father's day was extremely hard

Work yesterday was hard both mentally and emotionally for many reasons

And this morning I got the text from my brother that my sister-in-law was in labor. 

I tried all day to not think about it.  I was really hoping that she could hold out a little longer, and maybe be born tomorrow.  Today's is Mr V's father's birthday, and it just seemed cruel that their baby would be born on this day, when Mr V doesn't have his father here, or his daughters.

I got the text announcing her birth, after I got home from work today.  Ironically, I received the text as I was making the last round of edits on the letter I plan to send to the hospital where Elisa was born, outlining the many ways we felt disrespected when she was born.

It all just seems so unfair.  My husband missing his father today, and me, proofreading a letter talking about our daughter's stillbirth, and then 15 minutes away in the same hospital we lost Elisa, my brother and sister-in-law are welcoming their healthy baby girl.

With as hard as this week has already been, I really don't know what I am going to do when I go to meet the baby.  I want so much to be happy for them, and I truly am. But I am also sad for myself.

A son without a father and a father without his children

Today was really really hard.  Perhaps harder than Mother's Day.  I can handle my own pain and sorrow, that is my burden, but it pains me so much to see the ones I love hurting.

For the second year in a row Mr V spent Father's Day as a son without a father, and as a father without his children. The only difference this year is he has two daughters in heaven, not just one.
I can't even put in to words how incredibly unfair that is. 

He is a wonderful, loving, amazing man and the ones he loves keep getting taken from him.   He has handled the day very well considering, but I know how much he is hurting. And worst of all I can't fix it, I can't change it, I can't make any of it better.

My heart just hurts.

I wish you would ask me their names

Today we had a team lunch at work because we have a new team member (she will actually be my boss).   While my coworker friend and I waited with the new woman for the two other team members to show up she started talking about her two year old daughter.  I was actually loving hearing the stories about her, but then she asked the seaming simple, but oh so difficult question: "Do you have any kids?"

My friend coworker answered "no" to the question, and then casually managed to change the subject before I had a chance to answer (this coworker knows about Luca and Elisa and she is constantly looking out for me and my fragile heart)

I plan to tell my new boss everything that has happened, I just didn't want to do it in a public setting.  I need her to know on many reasons 1) so she knows why I have all of these doctors appointments, 2) because losing my girls is fully a part of who I am, and I really feel she wouldn't know me if she didn't know about what we have been through and 3) because if we do get pregnant again, I will need her to understand that it isn't all flowers and meadows for me, that I am going to be scared...really really scared next time.

But I didn't feel like a first meet and greet was the best time to load that all on her, so I was glad the conversation changed.

Unfortunately however, throughout the whole lunch it kept swinging back that way. When our other team members showed up one of them  (who knows about my losses) talked about how he and his wife plan to get pregnant soon, after they get back from their Italy vacation at the end of this month.

He also talked about how he and his wife are both very independent, career oriented people, so their plan is to have two kids, back to back, a year a part, so that "they can kind of raise each other, and entertain themselves". 

I long so much to be in every moment of my daughters lives, lives that they will never have here, and he is already talking about how to avoid any extra work in parenting....it just hurt.

I was happy that he ended his comment saying, "well that's the plan, but it might not work out that way" so at least he somewhat acknowledges that things don't always go as planned.

Then the next topic of conversation was "why would anyone have more than one or two kids...they are just so much work"

So basically I spent the whole lunch hurting inside, but doing my best to put on a face so I didn't breakdown right in front of my new boss.

To make matters worse, I just hate that I feel I can't talk about my girls sometimes.  Part of me just wanted to answer the "do you have any kids?" question with "yes, I have two daughters, but they are in heaven"

Sometimes I do, and honestly, I think I would have, had it been a complete stranger.  But given that this was supposed to be a welcome, celebratory lunch for a new employee, I felt like talking about them would 'bring everybody down'

I just wish our culture wasn't so uncomfortable with the topic of death. I wish I could just say I have two daughters who are in heaven, and have someone say sorry, without the awkward silence that follows, better yet, they would even ask my what their names were, wouldn't that be wonderful!

I Need This

It's been a while since I have written.  With being on vacation and then getting back in to the swing of things, blogging fell of the Radar. 

I have thought about picking up the computer and blogging quite a few times over the last few weeks, but I kept making excuses: it's too nice outside, I spend so much time in front of the computer at work, that I shouldn't waste my precious home time back in front of the screen again etc.

But what I realized, is I need this.

I need to get my feelings out on paper (well on screen) or else they fester inside and become overwhelming.

As I am typing right now I can physically feel the weight in my chest being lifted...and I haven't even started writing anything important yet.  The catharsis of the written word...

The last few weeks have been filled with ups and downs.

Our vacation was wonderful on many levels. I was surprised how getting away really helped.  Spending time with Mr V away from the hub bub of every day life, and getting away from the superficial interactions of work and common interactions was a refreshing change of scene.

On the other hand it was hard.  The constant reminder that we shouldn't be on the trip because we should be at home with a one and a half year hold and a newborn.  I tried to enjoy every day the best I could, and did fairly well most of the time, but I did have one really bad day on the trip on Elisa's 4 month, where I sat on the floor of our Ireland B&B and bawled my eyes out until there were no more tears.

Now that the trip is over, I am struggling to find something else to look forward to.  Things are still off with my cycle, and so our Creighton Doctor recommended us waiting a while longer to try (and honestly I don't think I am emotionally ready to try).  Although I am concerned that we have some things to work through health wise (possible low progesterone and a recently discovered hypothyroidism) I am so grateful for our Creighton doc, as none of this would have been discovered had we not started seeing her.

But now that we are back from our trip and can't start trying, and knowing that my Sister-In-Law is ready to deliver her baby girl any day now, has put me in a really hard place.  I know only have one choice, to just keep going one day at a time but right now it seems like I am wading though thick mud.

Angles Plot

Today we visited Glasnevin Cemetery in Ireland. 

This was one of the first Catholic Cemeteries to allow miscarried, stillborn and infant babies (non baptized)  to be buried on consecrated ground. There are over 50,000 babies buried in what is called "Angles Plot". Going here felt like a little pilgrimage on behalf of both of Luca and Elisa.

The plot is full of unmarked graves, but along side are the names and birth and death dates of each child burried there, and some with memorial messages from family members. 

Information from the Cemetery's website "Up to 20 years ago, Mothers who delivered their stillborn babies in the Dublin Maternity Hospitals or Dublin Nursing Homes never saw their baby at birth. It was considered to be ‘better’ for them not to. Dads were totally excluded from the experience of childbirth anyway. The Hospital involved would see that the baby was buried in the Old Angels Plot in Glasnevin and for many parents the ‘bill’ for this is the only recognition they had for their baby
I wanted to share with you the lovely inscription that is on the memorial in the Angels Plot."

Because of babies being taken away after birth and buried without the parent present, some went unknown until years later.  We even saw some memorial stones with messages such as "we are so glad we found you, love your brother and sister", likely given by siblings who found out about their unborn brother or sister years and years later.

It was so moving to be there.  Although I did not meet any other parents while there, it is the knowledge that I have the unseen bond with them, the bond of knowing child loss. Mr V and I said a prayer while there for all of the children buried there, and all of their family members.

One of the most moving moments of this was the inscription on the memorial

angels surrounding the memorial

Someone had left a stuffed dog in the arms of the angel monument at the Angel Plot.  We also took a picture with Beluga Whale and Luca star, in memory of Elisa and Luca

Escaping

As I write this post I am 30,000 feet up in the air over Greenland.  Today Mr V and I headed out on our trip to Ireland.  After Elisa passed away, we really felt like we needed to get away, and do something for ourselves - to have something to look forward to as we continue to wait until we can and want to try again. 

We normally aren't spontaneous, go big or go home people, (well I am not, Mr V is a lot more adventurous than I am) but after everything that happened we kind of had an “F-it” moment and said let’s do something big, to have something to look forward to.

So we bought tickets three months ago, and are now on our way to Ireland for two weeks.

We chose Ireland because it is where my family is from, and for a big trip we felt it would be somewhat relaxing.  Ireland has a laid back feeling, so we feel we could go out  and adventure if we wanted to, but also just relax move slowly too.  We both need this trip to not carry any expectations, we just need to “be”.

We left today (well I guess now yesterday, technically) at 2pm and it was also extra helpful for me that we left on Mother’s day.  This is the third Mother’s day for me where I am longing for my children that aren’t with me, and it was getting frustrating and discouraging to look back at how every year I though the next would be better.  Three years ago we had been trying for nearly a year with no baby, last year we had lost Luca, and were not having any luck getting pregnant again and now this year both my girls are in heaven.  Mother’s day just seemed to mock me.  And on top of it all not many people acknowledged me as a mother last year. This year I have had a great deal of support and many people identifying me as a mother, with the loss of Elisa, but with my miscarriage with Luca, it was different.  No one except Mr V, my mom and dad saw Luca after she was “born” so to most people, even if they knew about our loss, I wasn’t really a mom - but that’s a post for another day.

Before we left today we went up to the cemetery and visited Luca and Elisa.  As of Thursday Elisa’s headstone was installed (long story with a delay due to the cemetery director leaving, somewhat abruptly I believe, and having left our order, and many others incomplete before he left).

Her stone was supposed to be exactly like Luca’s but it has some variances, which in the grand scheme of things, my girls are both different people, so they should have things a little different J I try to think of it about how so many big sisters get annoyed if their little sister’s copy them all the time.  This way Luca won’t be annoyed with Elisa for copying her J

Elisa's stone. 

Luca's Stone

So after visiting the Cemetery, we headed to the airport (we had to be there to check in at 11am).

One thing that we have tried to do with Luca and Elisa is figure out how to incorporate them in to our everyday lives.  It is hard having a family when the general public can’t see the other members; being a mom with no visible children.  Taking pictures of just Mr V and I by ourselves just highlights how much we miss them.

So what I decided to do a couple of weeks ago was figure out how we could incorporate them.  Here is what I did.  Meet Beluga Whale and Luca Star. 

Beluga represents Elisa, who was our “little baby beluga” and she is holding a star to represent Luca, since Luca means light.

We have them with us on our trip, and take them pretty much everywhere we go from now on.

Here they are ready to take off on our flight

As we now fly over the top of the world, as we watch the sun fall behind the horizon as we fly over Greenland, I know my baby girls are flying high in heaven. Up here 30,000 feet in the air, with their little representations, I feel that much closer to them..

Sunrise as we fly over Greenland

Fed by Tears

"Oh God, how long wilt thou be angry with thy people that prayeth
Thou feedest them with the bread of tears
and givest them pleanteousness of tears to drink"

The choir I am in just had a concert and these are the words of one of the songs we sang.

This is so how I feel right now.  Lost in my faith, and feeling like God isn't there, and if He is, he is just letting us suffer.

I know in my heart God didn't "do this to us" because he was angry. But I do feel like all I have from him is tears and sorrow.  We have been through so much, and yet what we want so dearly comes so quickly and easily to others, but is through sweat, blood and tears for us.

Why would God put this passion in our hearts for children, yet not allow us to carry one to term, while He allows others to get pregnant, only to neglect the baby or abuse their children?

All I have ever wanted in my life was to be a mother.  Yes, college was important, and I am glad I am in the working world to use my skills, but really, my life goal, and my life passion is that I want to be a mom.

The one thing I want, is the one thing I can't have, and the one thing I can't control when I get it.

If I wanted a promotion, I would work hard, take on more responsibility and show I earned it.

If I wanted a new car, I would put money aside to start saving for one, and research the best dealer to go to.

But wanting to be a mom....wanting a baby?  I can plan all I want, believe me I've tried. And I can prepare, get in shape, take vitamins, wait until we bought a house, wait until we have money saved, and yet with all of my planning, and preparation, still no baby to mother here on this earth.

I am stuck.  What I've always wanted, and what always seemed so easily achievable, - no one in my family has had problems with infertility or loss - is now not easily obtainable and I have to come to terms with the fact that it may not happen, at least in the way I expected.

I guess I have to be fed and quenched by tears.  I have to take what I am given in this life, and make the best of it - because the alternative is to give up, and that doesn't honor my girls, does it?

Lifted Up With Love

Yesterday marked three months since Elisa was born and went to heaven. It was a hard day and it felt like the hits kept coming with Easter, followed by her due date, followed by her three month birthday

Despite being sad, one of the things I have been very passionate about with losing Elisa was that she would be treated like any other child/baby and she wouldn't be forgotten.  It is strength in sharing, that I didn't have when we lost Luca, but by losing Elisa she has given me the voice to talk about both of my baby girls, something I am so proud of.

It's not that I want a bunch of attention, or people to throw me a pity party, it's that I want to talk about, and share about my babies, just like any other mom. But I cant post a picture of her first smile, or the first time she rolls over, so I talk about her anniversaries in heaven, and things that remind me of her.

So yesterday I posted on facebook:

"It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to our Elisa. It seems like we just held her yesterday and yet that day seems so distant in the past all at once. Love you baby girl"

And the outpouring of love and support was more than I could have dreamed of.

First a friend from college (whom I haven't seen in years) Posted this picture!

People remembering that she is our baby beluga...

Then a few more friends piped in with messages saying they were thinking about us and praying for us.  What I love is that no one said anything along the lines of "it will get better" or "the hard days are over" like I have heard so many loss mamma experience when they post about their babies in heaven.  Because those types of messages don't help, and I know from losing Luca that I still have many hard days ahead of me, and most of the time I won't know when they will hit.  I am just so humbled and grateful that I have a network of people who are being so compassionate and holding me up during this hard time.  

I know the thing about social media, is that I can't control what responses I will get back from people, and I was aware of that when I posted yesterday. But I am so grateful that my Facebook friends (whether intentionally or not) just let me be a mom, a mom who wanted to post about her baby, and supported me and lifted me up and let me talk about her, without any "blockers" saying how things will get easier.

The last message on my post last night was this beautiful picture, sent from my very good friend KJL. She left the message "I'm piggy-backing on the first post because why not fill your heart in this special way?? I love you!" and finished her message with "It's like she's saying, "hi momma!" from heaven."

And boy was my heart filled.  Filled with love, and humbled by the support of dear friends and distant ones a like, remembering our Elisa, our Baby Beluga.

Hi Baby Beluga, mamma loves you too!!

3 Months

It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to Elisa.  Whenever I had to write or type the data today, I would slip and write January 20th, instead of April 20th.  The brain has it's own way of showing me it hasn't forgotten.  I know I will never forget, but it was amazing to me how second nature it was to write her birth day instead of today's actual date. Every. Single. Time.

It feels like I just saw her yesterday, and like it has been an eternity all at the same time.

I keep thinking back to how different my life would be right now if she was here. I would be on maternity leave by now, and I would have a baby girl I could dress in cute new spring dresses now that the weather is nice and the sun is shining. Now it seems like the sun shining is just a cruel joke. mocking me as I see people out walking with their strollers.  It is getting so hard not to be jealous, but I know I don't want to be that kind of person, I just miss my baby girl so much

Getting Some Answers

Over the last month we have had two sessions with our NaPro consultant and two appointments with the NaPro Certified doctor, and for the first time since we started trying to get pregnant, three years ago, I finally feel like I have a support system of care working to get to the bottom of everything that has happened.  Infertility, miscarriage and now stillbirth. In the past I have gone to my OB or other specialists talking about how we do NFP, and that I have chart data, but no one really wanted to pay attention to it. (I really like my OB, but understandably, she is more on the side of mainstream medicine).

Well in my first follow up meeting with our NaPro consultant this week we have already started to ID some potential problems.  Signs on the chart that I might have low progesterone.  This is something I have been suspicious about for a long time now. When we were trying to get pregnant with Elisa, I asked about progesterone, because of research I did on my own.  My OB prescribed it to me and I took it for the the first 14 weeks of pregnancy, but we never did any tests to see if I really did need it, or if I did, how much of it I needed. I honestly didn't know that was an option.  Our NaPro consultant wants some more charting data, and blood tests to confirm, but still, already one item being addressed!

Then in our meetings with the NaPro affiliated doctor she has already IDed another potential issue. I have a MTHFR mutation, homozygous for the c677t mutation.

After Elisa was stillborn, the MFM office did the standard blood clotting tests, all which came back negative. In my follow up appointment in February with MFM, I asked for a more all-encompassing blood clotting test, one that I had read about in some forums, as IUGR is highly associated with clotting disorders. Well the results came back in early March, but no one from the MFM office called me to review them with me.  I read the results on my own, saw the mutation so called the office to see if someone could explain it to me. They put me on the phone with a nurse, who said she didn't know what it meant, but would call me back.  She called me back later saying someone explained to her that this mutation is not typically seen as a problem, unless you have other issues.

At that point in time I let it be, I figured the doctors, especially MFM would know what was worrisome and what wasn't.  But, a few weeks later, I started feeling more uneasy about it.  Having been  a chemistry major in college and having taken biochem, I know just enough to be dangerous. So I went to some of the medical research sites I used back in college for papers and found some shocking statistics. C677t mutation causing  1. a decreased ability to metabolize folic acid (very important in pregnancy!!) and 2. correlation to IUGR (not as large as some of the other clotting disorders, but still an increased correlation).  The problem is, however, that the mutation is a relativity new thing being studied, and mainstream medicine tends to only see it as a problem if you have thee or more miscarriages, or two losses that are related.  Luca was so early we have no idea what caused it, so I guess the mainstream medicine side of things was going to wait until we lost another baby to make a change.  That is not acceptable to us.

I took my research to the NaPro affiliated doctor, hoping to show her what a problem it was, but before I could even bring it up she did (she had all my blood work gathered and looked at it prior to my appointment) She immediately talked about how I need to be on methly-folate, instead of folic acid, because my body can't process folic acid with the mutation, and wants me on an anti-inflammatory diet, to hopefully combat any clotting issues (I will also take baby aspirin during my next pregnancy)

It was so affirming having an appointment where I felt she was anticipating my every question.  I didn't have to ask for the science or reasoning behind anything, or wonder what was being forgotten. She has already done multiple panels of blood work on her own, and plans to do more.

With all of this I decided to schedule an appointment with my OB to have a candid conversation about everything.  Her office wasn't involved in any of the testing, so I know it wasn't on her to diagnose anything (that should have been the MFM office). But I still wish she had noticed the tests. She moved offices a little over a year ago and the office staff at her new office seem to not relay things to her.  I am hopping that I am right, and it is just an office staff thing, and once I make her aware things will change, but I also understand that it could just be that she is getting too busy and I need to look for an OB in a smaller office that will have more time to meet with and re-assure someone who knows she is going to need a lot of hand holding during her next pregnancy

I am frustrated that I feel mainstream medicine has really left me out to dry on all of this. But I am so grateful to have found NaPro.  Thank you to you other bloggers out there who peaked my interest, and my NFP friends who helped me find more information.

Due date

Today was Elisa's due date. Although we are sad she isn't here with us, we did our best to make this a day of celebration.

When we woke up we made some whale sugar cookies, And we took them along with some sandwiches and had a picnic up at the cemetery. 

We sat under the tree by Elisa's plot on a blanket and talked to her and reminisced about all the good times we had with her. 

Luca's plot is just a few spaces down so we could also see her from there. We wish the girls could have been buried closer but unfortunately the holy innocents section at our cemetery is actually filling up :(

After we had our picnic, my parents, brother and sister in law, nephew and niece (P's family) came by the cemetery.  It was so very nice having them all there and it was the first time the kids had come to the cemetery.  I was so grateful my brother and sister in law wanted to come and bring the kids, validating that Luca and Elisa really are our children in their eyes.

Each of us had a whale cookie in honor of Elisa 

We spent the rest of the day at home. We made another batch of cookies and this time decorated them with frosting.

10 Years

Last week Mr V and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary of dating.  Looking back over the last 10 years, I can't believe what a journey it has been.

It was hard, looking back to how I thought this anniversary would be 9 months ago.  When we finally got pregnant, and had our positive test in July, we realized we would be welcoming out rainbow baby just one week after our 10 year anniversary.  We had hoped by year 10 we would have already had a child in our arms, if not two, but knowing we would be welcoming one just days after our anniversary was a such beautiful thought. Our rainbow would be born a week after our 10 year anniversary, and days after Easter.

Fast forward to where we are now, and my belly and our hearts are empty again.  Our little Elisa was not here with us on our Anniversary or Easter.

I am definitely not where I thought I would be 10 years ago but with all we have been through I am so grateful for Mr V.  I know I would not be able to make it through this without him. He is the reason I get up every morning and go through every day. He is my rock, my comfort, my hope.  We have been through more in these last 10 years than most couples endure in a lifetime and we remain strong in our love and support for one another.

10 years ago I had no idea that I would struggle with infertility, and lose two children.  I also had no idea that I was going on a first date with the man who would be my life partner, who would be by my side and endure all of these hard times with me. That the cute guy in choir with the gorgeous voice and contagious laugh would be my soul mate.

Sonohysterogram

Today I had my sonohysterogram, to check and make sure the polyps didn't come back while I was pregnant with Elisa.  We didn't think it was likely that they would, usually polyps take years to grow back, but while we are waiting to try again, we wanted to make sure we have everything crossed off the list that could cause issues.

The appointment went well and the result was no polyps (yay!) but it was definitely an emotional experience.

I was very nervous leading up to the appointment.  I wasn't too worried about finding polyps because I knew even if we did find them, we know the game plan of how to get rid of them: surgery and we've been there, done that, so that wasn't the problem.  The problem was going back to the same office, the same ultrasound floor that we went to all of those times with Elisa.

Stepping back into the office was hard, and when I got up on the exam table, with the blanket over my knees, ready for the ultrasound (you know what I mean) I realized how much fear I had hidden in the back of my mind.

The memories of being in the delivery room with Elisa all came rushing back.  Memories of the doctors hovered over me when they realized there was a problem.  I've had some recurring dreams about that experience (which I am talking to my counselor about, so I am getting the help I need) but it was just a more physical experience this time, actually being on the table.

Luckily Mr V was able to stay in the room with me while I had the exam, and I had the sweetest sonographer and radiologist doing the procedure.  I was able to get through it all with their lovely support and some focused breathing, but I really really didn't like it.

It makes me worry how I am going to react when I am actually back in the delivery room again. When everything went wrong with Elisa's delivery, and they told us they might have to harm Elisa to get her out (even though she was already gone, the idea of my precious baby girl being hurt or damaged in any way was horrifying to me) and that we might have to have a surgery that would not allow us to have any more children, was such a shocking and horrifying experience.  Yes, everything ended up working out in the end and my defiant baby girl came out all on her own, but those minutes where we thought otherwise were the longest, and some of the worst of my life.

I know I have a long time before I will be back in that delivery room again, and many many steps to take before I get there, but I really do wonder how I am going to handle it. I keep finding other ways this experience has changed me. Not only did I lose my baby girl, but I lost the innocence and excitement that goes along with delivery.  I know I will never be blindly excited to go to the hospital, hospital bag in toe, with a perfect car seat in the back ready to welcome my baby into the world. Next time and every other time after, I know I will always remember being there giving birth to my precious Elisa, who was already gone.

Easter

To be honest Easter this year was really hard. We are a week away from Elisa's due date and thinking back to when we found out we were pregnant with her it seemed so perfect that we would be welcoming her so close to Easter.

There was so much hope in that. Thinking back to last Easter when we were so sad and discouraged after losing Luca earlier that year and trying again without any success.  Last year I thought for sure the next Easter would be better.

But once again we spent another Easter at the cemetery this time visiting both our girls.

I want so much to have the hope and joy that used to be with me on Easter but it's just not there.

Mr V and I joined back in our church choir for the first time since Elisa died, to sing in the Easter Vigil service last night. Normally the vigil is such an energizing experience and I enjoy going through the many readings of the old testament. Our church does the service so beautifully. All of the readings in the dark by candle light and the lights gloriously coming on after all of the readings when we finally proclaim the alleluia. The elect are baptized outside by wading into the reflection pond and have water poured over them as the congregation surrounds them. The music is beautiful and the church is filled with the joy of the resurrection.

But this year I did not feel any of that joy. During the old testament readings in the dark I sat in the choir next to Mr V, holding tightly to his hand. I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness, despair and doubt as each reader proclaimed the word. I held back the tears with each passing minute.

When the lights came on for the alleluia I painted a smile on my face and did my best to sing as if I felt the joy of everyone else. When it came to my solos I had to fight hard to not cry as I sang. 

After the last song of "Jesus Christ is Risin Today" when the congregation erupted in joyous applause I had to sit down. All the energy I used to sing and put on a happy face during the Mass had drained me and I couldn't pretend anymore. I was overcome with sadness on so many different levels. Sad that Luca was not here as a one year old,  sad that Elisa was not here and sad that on top of it all I feel so alone and abandoned in my faith.

I feel like I just went through the emotions this year but a part of me hoped that by at least doing that I would have some ounce of peace or reassurance in my heart. But I left Mass more sad and feeling more alone than when I came.

I know it doesn't help because I will never get an answer to the question but I left that evening asking "why? Why am I spending another Easter without another one of my children? "

Thoughtless Comments

This is going to be a little bit of a rant post, because I am really upset, but I need to get it out.

Today I ran into a girl at work who had her healthy living baby girl a few weeks before Elisa was stillborn.  I ran in to her as I was walking to another meeting and figured I should do the "appropriate thing" and say "welcome back" I couldn't get myself to say congratulations, but I at least got out a "welcome back! how are you?".  Her answer to how are you was "oh not great, wishing I wasn't back at work"

In My head "Oh yeah poor you, being back at work after giving birth to a LIVING baby, my baby didn't live, and now I have to go back to work and pretend everything is ok when it is not"

I of course didn't say that, but just said, "I'm sorry". I am sure it must be hard to leave her baby at home, I wouldn't want to either, but I just wish she would remember who she was talking to....

She then said very quickly, while diverting her eyes said "I'm sorry to hear what happened" and then in the same breath looked me in the eye and said "but you really need to eat more, your too skinny, you need a healthier body"

Geee thanks for pretty much just flat out saying that you think the loss was my fault.

I wanted more than anything to just say that this is how my body is, I am lucky to have a good metabolism. I might be a little more skinny than usual right now but if so that is only because I am engulfed by grief because my baby died.  I wanted to tell her how healthy I am, How much I ate and followed the pregnancy recommendations to a T when I was pregnant with Elisa, how much weight I gained with Elisa, and how my doctors have confirmed none of it was my fault"

But instead I just nodded and walked away. No use having an outburst in the middle of the office

I am just so sick and tired of people's first assumptions being that I somehow did something to cause this. I didn't I did everything right, everything by the book. All the doctors said we did everything right. But my baby still died.  The last thing I need is someone trying to make themselves feel better, and assure themselves it wouldn't happen to them, by trying to reason that I did this, that it was all my fault.

I did everything right and my baby still died.  Don't you dare try to blame me.  I lost everything when I lost her.

Our Daughters

Today one of the baby loss groups I follow posted this article "What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child" 

I connected with so much of what the writer said.  How there are so many misconceptions with childless. For instance, it assumed since you you eventually go back to work, and "normal life" that you are fine, but really a piece of you is always missing your child.  People are worried about bringing the child up in conversation, afraid to remind us or make us sad, when in reality we are ALWAYS thinking about our child. We don't just forget and then when you mention him or her we say "aw crap, why did you have to go and do that, I had forgotten" as if it is like when someone sings the song you just got out of your head..., the reality of it is you aren't reminding us, we didn't and we won't ever forget. Saying their name and talking about them is so uplifting to us, even if sometimes we might cry when you do.  The writer said it perfectly, "We would rather lose it because you spoke his/her name and remembered our child, than try and shield ourselves from the pain.... Grief is the pendulum swing of love."

When I read the article I really wanted to post it on facebook, just to get more awareness of what it is really like being in this club of child loss we have unwillingly joined.

But as I was about to submit "share", I got an overwhelming feeling like I was unworthy, like I didn't have the right to be sad about losing Elisa and Luca, because it didn't compare to the author's loss, who lost her son when he was a child, not in pregnancy like Elisa and Luca. 

It reminded me again of how isolating pregnancy loss can be.  In the eyes of so many a baby isn't considered a person when they are in utero, they are merely a fetus.

But Mr V and I fully whole heatedly believe and see both Luca and Elisa as people, our daughters. They each had a soul, a body and they lived.  They brought so much joy and love to us in the little time we had with them and they are our family.

So I posted the article anyway.  Because one small way to change people's perception is for us to be strong in our belief that our daughters are just that, our daughters.

One foot in front of the other

Last week I went for my first run in nearly 8 months.  Since I was on bedrest or just general rest for nearly all of Elisa's pregnancy it has taken the last two months since her birth just to get up to longer walks, and other small exercise. (Before I get too far, let's be honest, I am not a huge runner, I run to let off stress, and I by no means consider myself a "hobby runner"....we are lucky if I'll train for a 5K)

But last week I finally felt I had enough energy and muscle back to go for a little run. It was a sunny afternoon after work and it was wonderful to be outside.  I started out slow, doing more of a speed walk than a run.

After walking for a while I decided to go for it and start running. And when I did it was the weirdest experience, I literally felt like I couldn't remember how to run.  My legs were shaky underneath me and I felt as if I did not have control of my body or my momentum.  Even though I was on solid, flat ground, I felt as if I was spiraling out of control, running with no way of stopping, like when you try to stop while running down a steep hill.

When I was finally able to stop, I laughed at myself, wondering what I looked like....but then I also laughed at how this running seemed to mirror everything else in my life.  I truly feel like I am having to re-learn how to do things now. I am re-learning how to go to work when I feel so raw and vulnerable in my own skin, re-learning how to get out of bed every morning knowing that Elisa won't be here with us, re-learning how to live in a world where both of my daughters aren't here.

Right now everything that I do feels so awkward and takes so much effort.  Going to work and acting like everything is normal, when it isn't.  Having people ask me how I am, and answering "OK", because I feel like it is the middle ground between the "good" they want to hear, and the "missing my daughter" that I want to say.

So just like running, I am going to have to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Remembering my daughters with every step I take and doing my best to honor them with the new person I have become.

Will it?

It will happen...

Your time will come...

These are all things people say to me when they hear about our losses.  I know each person says it because they mean well.  They want to hope we will get our baby, we hope so too.  Maybe they don't know what else to say, and figure by saying that, they are avoiding saying something else completely wrong...which yes I appreciate that, because there are some bad things that have been said.

But every time I hear that, there is a little voice in my head that wants to say back "you don't know that" or "what if it doesn't?" and every day that voice seems to be getting louder

Because the reality of the situation is we don't know if "it will happen" or if "our time will come"

It took us 6 months to get pregnant with Luca, a year if you count the months we were "passively trying" And then we lost her

It took us nearly another year of actively trying to get pregnant with Elisa.  And then we lost her too.

I am batting 0 for 2 and each chance at the plate took me almost a year to get there.

The truth of the matter is my babies die, and it scares me.  It is the most anguish I have ever felt. I didn't know this much sadness could fill one heart.

To add to it we have no explanation as to why either of our losses happened, or why it took us so long to get pregnant.

The polyps seem to be the likely culprit for our infertility, but we won't know until we start trying again, and polyps can come back.  As for our losses, we never had any testing done on Luca, and with Elisa everything came back normal

So both losses are a fluke, a statistic.

Yes, we are grateful that we don't have a diagnosis that prevents us from having children for certain, but we also don't have any reason why it happened.  Nothing to work to fix, nothing to prevent it from happening again.

So we are left with the same odds as before.

Which for us is 0 for 2

So I am left asking, Will our time come? Will it happen?

Taize Thursdays

Taize Thursdays - March 19th

Wait for the Lord 

"Wait for the lord, whose day is near
Wait for the lord, be strong, take heart"

I need these words today...."be stong take heart"

Little did we know

To say these last few weeks have been hard would be an understatement. The one month anniversary of Elisa's birthday and the one year anniversary of Luca's due date falling on the same weekend. And returning to work was much harder than I expected.  I am typically a pretty strong person, and can get through all most anything as long as I keep in my mind and my heart that I get to go home to the best person in the world, my best friend, my husband. But the first week back at work I cried from the second we got in the car to leave the office, all the way home, and a good part in to the evening.

Through all of this Mr V has been my rock. He holds me when I cry, comforting me and validating that everything I am feeling is OK. And then he knows how to make me smile and get me to laugh when need cheering up.

I put so much on him, and he is always there for me.

Which is why this week has even more difficult. Yesterday was the three year anniversary of Mr V's father's death.

In February of 2012 Mr V's father was diagnosed with stage IV liver cancer.  He rapidly declined and a month later on March 15th 2012 he passed away at home.  Mr V's father was the most faith-filled, kindest person I have ever met, and he is greatly missed every day.

It just breaks me that the man I love so much, has had to endure so much in his 30 years of life.  Not only has he lost two daughters, but he also lost his father, his mentor.

And despite his loss, he still keeps his positive attitude. Yes he misses his girls and his father dearly, but he is still able to keep hope and be grateful for everything in life. He posted a beautiful tribute to his dad on Facebook last night, and I just wanted to share it here:

3 years ago today I arrived in California to see my family. Unlike the usual trips home which were pre-planned months in advance and carried with them a sense of hope and joy, this trip was not like any other. Earlier that day I received the message that my father passed away and so the next few days would carry with them a variety of emotions. As I look back at the past three years and all the happiness and sadness since that day, I constantly come across the thought I had on my trip there.
I was sad that my father would not be on this earth to be with this grandchildren. Little did I know, he would get to be with them and hold them far before I would.
Thank you dad for all you taught me about life, and along with Luca and Elisa be with us now and always.

And to this I have to add a thank you to Mr V's dad.  Thank you for raising a wonderful man, who is so loving and caring and so strong in his faith.  He is my rock and I cannot imagine making it through this journey without him.  Thank you for holding our baby girls while we cannot.  We thought we would have them on our laps, telling them stories about you, but now we know they are sitting on your lap as you tell them stories about us.

In an alternate universe

Today when I got home from work, I checked the mail as I usually do.  There was some junk mail, and adds, and of course medical bills.  I opened the first and it was a medical bill for some of the lab work I had done at my follow up appointment.  The second I opened was from the hospital, so I assumed it was going to be the big whammy...the cost of Elisa's delivery.  I prepared myself for the amount before opening (we had already seen from insurance how much we would owe) and for the emotional impact it would have on me to flash back to that day of her birth.  But despite trying to mentally prepare myself, I was blindsided by what I found when I opened it.  Not a medical bill but a note from the hospital 

"Our records indicate that you are scheduled to be admitted to the hospital on or around 4/11/2015"

Elisa's scheduled due date...

You see we had to submit a form to the hospital before we reached 20 weeks, estimating her due date, giving the hospital a "heads up" for when we might be there, standard protocol for all births at that hospital.  After losing Luca, I was apprehensive to plan anything ahead with Elisa, so I waited until the last minute, which is not something I typically do.  I submitted it around 18 weeks, after the doctors appointment where the confirmed the subchorionic hemorrhage was gone. Less than a week later we she was diagnosed with IUGR and given a less than 10% chance of survival.

I am not upset at being reminded of her due date, I know it is coming up, and I know it is a date that I will never forget, just like I will never forget Luca's due date nor both of my girls' birthdays.  What upset me was the image about of what could have been that this note signified.

Thinking about how, in an alternate universe, I could have been opening that envelope standing with my belly bumping into the counter top, with so much hope of meeting and holding my baby girl.  But today I opened it weary from another day at work where things have gone back to "normal" but my world is upside down.

Taize Thursdays

Taize Thursdays - March 12th

Oh Lord Hear My Prayer

Oh Lord Hear My Prayer
When I Call Answer Me
Oh Lord HEar My Prayer
Oh Lord Hear My Prayer
Come and Listen to Me

No other words necissary...just this

The Eyes of a Child

I had another lovely, unexpected interaction with my niece "P" this weekend.  My nephews and niece were all having an overnight at my parents house last night, so Mr V and I went over to have dinner with them.  After dinner, Mr V wanted to show my nephews a TV show, called "Brain Games" that shows how your brain works and talks about optical illusions. (If you haven't seen it, it's really neat and it's on netflix)

P is 4 and a little too young to understand a lot of the information in the show, so a few minutes in she asked me if I would you upstairs with her to play my little ponies. I said of course I would! I love playing games like that with her.

On our way up the stairs as she walked ahead of me she said:

P: You know, I know why babies eyes didn't have color".

Me: What babies? What do you mean?

P: Your baby, you know in the picture, her eyes didn't have color (Elisa was born  at 28 weeks, and her eyes were actually open)

M: Oh you remember her picture? (I had shown her pictures before, meaning to only show her the Now I Lay Me Down to sleep pictures, and not the ones of her face, because of the very fact that she didn't look like a "normal baby" she looked like a 28 week gestation baby, but at the time, P took my phone and found the one of Elisa's face)

P:  Yea, and I know why she didn't have colored eyes, she was just too little. If she had grown bigger, she would have had color in her eyes

Me: Oh (I was a little taken aback that she remembered so much) You are so right! Did your mom tell you that, or did you figure that out on your own?

P: I figured it out on my own

Me:  Wow you are are right, you are smart! Thank you for thinking about that and for telling me about that.  It makes me happy when you talk about our baby

P: yeah, I know it does...which my little pony do you want?

We had made it up stairs, and were already on to a new topic, just as to be expected from a four year old. But I love her simplicity, talking about Elisa, like any other baby.  She wasn't afraid to bring her up, or talk about her around me, like so many people have been lately.

I love that P remembers her, in her own little way.

Second day back - harder than the first

Today was a lot harder than yesterday, which I wasn't expecting.  Yesterday I had welcome backs and albeit only a few, a couple of sorries.  I was also consumed yesterday by the 700+ emails I had to catch up on, so I was occupied by relatively mundane tasks .

Today however, everything was pretty much fully back to "normal" only one person asked how I was, and my normal workload started pouring back in. Meetings, analysis requests, reviewing and finalizing reports.

It's as if I was never gone, as if nothing happened and I was screaming inside all day saying "Say something!"

I am not saying I wanted everyone going around giving me a pity party.  The hardest thing for me is that people don't acknowledge that my baby girl existed.

Mantra for now...One day at a time....

Going Back to Work - The Good and The Bad

Today was my first day back at work. I have really been dreading it.  Not because I hate my job (I don't)  or because I thought I couldn't do it (I knew I could), but because I didn't want return to "normal"

That's because nothing is normal anymore.

I knew going back would be hard, and I also knew thinking about it would probably be harder than actually doing it.  It was more the anticipation of it that was bad.

So my first day back today had some "goods" and some "bads" and luckily the "goods" outweighed the "bads".

Bad - Driving the same route to work brought back the memories of driving that road every day when I was pregnant with Elisa.  I remember driving those roads thinking about her, being excited she was finally there after trying for so long.  At the stoplights I would hold my belly and talk to her.  I am happy to have those memories, but knowing I don't have her here now makes me so sad

Good - Since Mr V and I work at the same company we drove to work together.  It was such a blessing to not have to worry about driving and to have his company as I worried on my way in to work. Multiple times he joked that he was just going to take a wrong turn so we wouldn't have to go in. I love that man, he always knows how to cheer me up

Good - No one said anything super offensive (no "how's the baby?", no "well at least you can try again") Although I know I shouldn't speak too early, I am sure I will get some of those at some point.

Bad - Most everyone acted like nothing happened, like I was back from a long vacation. I totally understand that people didn't want to upset me, and also that they themselves might have been uncomfortable, but one of the things I put in my email to my boss about how I wanted people to approach the subject, was that I would rather someone even say "I am sorry for what happened" if they don't know how to talk to me about it, than them just ignoring it.  I just wanted people, to knowledge what happened, knowledge HER, but most everyone avoided it, even avoided saying sorry

Bad -  They started an art project gallery in our kitchen. 1. One of the first pieces of artwork was a drawing from a coworker's little girl.  I find it hard to see anything associated with little girls, no matter how old, because it reminds me of what I will never get with Elisa or Luca. 2, one of the art projects had a basket of peanuts next to it, for people to take and eat (I guess it had something to do with the art?) sooo there were peanuts, and peanut shells all over the kitchen....I am allergic, like stop breathing allergic. So not the best welcoming feeling in that kitchen.  From what I have heard, this is not supported by the company, but something a random coworker started, so I think if I say something they will at least get rid of the peanuts...I don't like to be a Debbie Downer, but I also don't like going into anaphylaxis either

Good - My team members  all greeted me with hugs and were genuinely happy to see me.  My team director made me coffee cake (without nuts!) and best of all they COVERED my whiteboard with post-its of what happened while I was out.  Some work things, but mostly random things, and inside jokes that happened while I was out, so I wouldn't be in the dark about their sayings

Good - our account lead came up to me and gave me a huge hug, and I could tell in his eyes how sad he was for what had happened.  He said everyone missed me and that he was so so sorry

Bad- we are an open office environment.  Since Elisa's birth I have definitely seen that I have signs of PTSD that can accompany baby loss.  Loud noises really impact me, and nearly bring me to tears.  I can't watch movies that are too loud or have yelling in them, and I am very easily startled.  (I have  talked with my councilor about this, so I am getting the help I need).  But back to the open office environment. I had a really hard time today with people walking behind me (my cube and desk face so that my back is open to the hallway) and was really shaken up when people came to talk to me and I didn't know they were there.  A couple of times I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes just to keep myself from crying.

Good - I had Mr V to drive me home.  I was so tired after my long day I was so glad I didn't have to drive.  And once again, my husband was wonderful.  When we got in the car, he said "OK, tell me about your day, the good and the bad, vent, I am your counselor"  So I told him everything and as always he was so empathetic.  I am so grateful to be married to a man who listens to me and talks things through with me.

Good - Stemming off the above, I am now home on the couch with my lovely husband

So the good definitely outweighed the bad, but I know it is going to continue to be a struggle. Tomorrow is another light meeting day, but Thursday will be hard again.  It is my first day with meetings at our client's office, and that is where I am worried I might get some of the "how's the baby?" or other well meaning, but hard questions.

But I am not going to worry about that right now.  One day at a time....

Follow Up Number Two

On Friday we had our follow up appointment with our regular OB, Dr. K. The appointment two weeks ago was with the high risk office, because they had to "clear me from delivery" before I could go see my regular OB. I was so happy to finally be able to see Dr K again.  She is so sweet, and really knows our whole story, infertility, losing Luca and just how much Mr V and I want a family (a large family, God willing)

 I went alone because Mr V had to work, but it was also kind of nice because I felt like I could get some 1:1 time with Dr. K.  I wanted to tell her everything that happened during delivery, without her feeling like Mr V and I were "ganging up" on her or anything.  We knew for sure none of it was her fault, because it was with the high risk office, but I wanted her to know what happened, and how I was still feeling really scared and vulnerable and like I was abandoned by the medical system.  I told her about the delivery, about my engorgmnent pain, and how the MFM office kept telling me I was over reascting, until they finally saw me, and realized I was way too engorged.  And I told her about how I tired to call the office multiple times without getting resonses.

She was so very sorry for everything that happened.  I know it was not in her control because it wasn't her office, but I just needed her to know, so she could know why I was feeling so scared.  And hopefully she can pass on my feelings to her counterparts in the MFM office.

She said likely next time I would have to go see the MFM specialists for at least the first half of the pregnancy, basically until things went downhill with Elisa (~19 weeks), but that I would see her at least every two weeks, and them only as consulting, every month or so.  Then if the next pregnancy checks out ok up to 20 weeks, I would most likely not have to go back to the MFM after.  She also said she would be o anything in her power to make sure she is the one delivering our baby next time.

It felt so good to hear her reassuring words, and that she cares enough and knows how much it would mean to us if she delivered our next baby.  I feel safe with her, which is what I need right now, since I have lost so much confidence in the medical system cares.

One thing that was a bit difficult about this meeting though, was our discussion on how long to wait to try again.  After checking me out, she said we could try after only two cycles.  Because Elisa was so small, and I am physically healing very well, she said we could start sooner than later.  The high risk specialists said 3 months....and when I said I heard 6 months, they said I might want to wait that long to feel safe, but they did this without checking my physically, and after Dr K's exam she didn't see any reason physically for us to wait that long.

I know I am not in a place to think about trying again now, but hearing from Dr K that physically we only needed to wait 2 cycles, was a bit of a mental game changer for me.  I was thinking we would have to wait 6 months, no questions, but now that the option for starting earlier has come up, I am not sure what to do with it.  After all with our infertility record, we could start trying in 2 and still not be pregnant for a whole year or longer.  So I don't necessarily want to wait too long to try, but I also don't want to try too soon.

I know for sure this is not something I have to decide today, or anytime soon.  I know I don't want to start trying until after Elisa's due date (in April) and wouldn't want a baby born on or before her birthday. So I know I don't need to think about this now, but just leave it on the back burner to mill over

Getting on the NaPro Bandwagon

Everything is in order and we are scheduled for our NaPro Intro Session in mid March, and I am excited ! (not so excited about the whole abstinence for a cycle thing, but honestly that should be cake in comparison to the amount of time we had to abstain during our pregnancy with Elisa, considering I was on bed rest for nearly all of it..sorry over share...)

I first came across NaPro from the wonderful women I follow here and it peaked my interest. Mr V and I have been using the sympto-thermal method of NFP for a long while now, but I had not heard of NaPro until I entered the Catholic infertility blogging world.  Once I found it, I was so interested to learn more about how it can help identify underlying health problems, or help with multiple losses.

So I started researching, and turns out there is a distance learning program for our area, and the Dr. associated with the program happens to only be about a 15 minute drive from our house!

I do have to say, I am a scientist at heart, I majored in Chemistry in college, and when Mr. V and I went to our first NFP class for sympto-thermal, I was a little skeptical.  But once I read the books and started charting my skepticism turned into more interest....I had a little epiphany...duh of course it works, it is going off biological markers for what the body naturally does...hormones (chemicals)....causing a reaction.....ending in a result that can be observed and recorded..... producing data... from which conclusions can be made....it makes sense!!!

So when I found NaPro, using the charting information to make informed decisions about medical issues and fertility I was super interested.

I also am liking the fact that starting the NaPro courses now help me to feel like I am doing something productive.  I am a planner, and a task-doer by nature (one of those people who loves to make lists and cross things off of them...even sometimes putting things on the list that are already done, just to be able to cross some more things off....oh what satisfaction!)  But right now I feel like I am in a rut with achieving things.

We know we want to try again, but we can't for at least 6 months. Besides, I know I am not emotionally ready to try again, and won't be for some time.  But one of the hard things is that grief is a weird, non-linear thing, that I know I can't just "task list" my way through.  It will happen how it happens, on it's own timeline and it's own weird, sometimes backward course.

So I need something to be working toward that I can control, that will put me in a good place for whenever we are ready to try again.  What better thing to do than NaPro.  Well, I sure have talked it up a lot, I hope that it lives up to my expectations :)