Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Sharing our Story

Hi all. sorry I have been MIA in the blogging world for a little while.  A couple things have attributed to that. 

Partially it is due to the fact that we are coming up on Elisa's diagnosis day, and the holidays and things have just been hard.

Secondly is that after much though, I decided as part of October Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, that I was going to be more open about my story.

Because of that, I decided to share my story, and feelings, with a lot of my family and friends, via a more public facing blog I started: adventureswithbabybeluga.blogspot.com

Now that I have that up and running, I will likely blog over there more often, so I wanted to let those of you who have been following me here, know.

Please feel free to check out my new blog. 

Love and prayers to you all

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Back in the Pit

It's been a while since I've written, and I am not going to lie, it is because the last month has been hard. 4 pregnancy announcements by friends in the last three weeks and I have just been mad and sad.

And all I have had over the last month since writing is another set of BFN and now just waiting for CD1,  I am just getting so discouraged.  Two out of the 4 people are good friends I talked to last year when I was pregnant with Elisa and they said they weren't ready to have a baby, but were going to try after big trips this year, one to Italy, and the other to Ireland.

Well they went on their trips, and doing the math based on their due dates, they both got pregnant right away.

It just seems like everyone else out there gets pregnant just by thinking about it, and stay on their perfect little plans.  And I am stuck here, with over three years of trying (I know, not as long as so many others out there) with my heart broken twice by two babies in heaven.

I know we have only been really actively trying for 3 months, but it is just so hard.

And to top it all of, I know that even if we are able to get pregnant, it is not going to fix things.  I still will never get my babies back.

I am just so heartbroken on so many levels

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Another one bites the dust


I knew when we started trying again it would be an emotional roller coaster. I know from past experience, it takes us a long time to get pregnant.  But I had a tiny itty bitty glimmer of hope, that maybe it would be different this time, maybe something would just click and we would get pregnant quickly, but no such luck.....

It doesn't help that it had to line up so quickly with Luca's birthday. Not like I needed all those extra hormones to make me feel even more emotional.

We had another meeting with our NaPro doctor this week too, which it was nice to get a check in on things.  More supplements added to the list, it's ridiculous the number of pills I take morning and night now, but they are all for the better of my health, and hopefully a smoother pregnancy if and when that happens.

I really do know that in the grand scheme of things 2 cycles is nothing, especially with our history, but I also can't help but panic a little with every CD 1, wondering if it will ever happen, or if my only children will be the ones that are already in heaven

Monday, August 10, 2015

Happy Birthday Luca

Happy Birthday Luca

Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.

We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating.  We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.

My body slowly realized the horrible truth, spotting through the days prior, and then later in the afternoon the low achy pains in my back began.  As evening went on the pain worsened.  The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.

But that's what a lot of people don't realize about about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.

That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life.  Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lighting storm flashed the night sky.  Your daddy and I paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain.  The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be loosing you.

You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made both your daddy and I separate from reality, we had not sense of time.  What is so amazing about this timing though is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby.  Which all I can think of is that must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.

We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us.  Please pray for us, and love and welcome your little sister up there.

I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.



Tuesday, August 4, 2015

28 Weeks

Today marks 28 weeks since Elisa was born sleeping.  We had 28 weeks with her, while she was alive here on earth, 28 precious weeks in utero. 28 of the happiest and scariest weeks of my life. 28 weeks filled with so much joy and love for my daughter, 28 weeks of so much fear and worry that she would not make it. Tomorrow marks a line I don't want to cross, more days since she has been gone than I had with her.  Every day widens the gap

Friday, July 31, 2015

Significant Dates

Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"

A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way.  I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.

As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test.  After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps.  With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.  I would have just waited for CD1 if that was an option, but since I was on progesterone supplements, I needed to take the test to know, and stop the progesterone, so the next cycle would start.

I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging, and sat down to do the oh so familiar routine.  With Pregnancy Tests and Ovulation Tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.

I did the deed, and then put the stick on the sink and set the timer.  There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.

A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.

But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines.  I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mr V from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSATIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant.  I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying.  We couldn't believe it....

We started talking and were in awe of the timing.  Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.

There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mr V's last day at his old company.  This job was no where near as stressful as the one he had three years ago, but it also wasn't a great fit.  He wasn't miserable, but he also wasn't happy.  July 31st 2014 was his last day at that company, and he was about to start his new job, a role he had been wanting for a long time, and at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!

July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary

July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married

It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.

Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy.  We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival.  We would be advised to terminate, and we would adamantly oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero.  That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.

Today is just the beginning of these significant dates.  I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies.  We have Positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays.  A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"

So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca and now they are both in heaven, and I am still here missing them every day

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

These last few weeks have been hard...

Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.

We got back home being with Mr V's family late last Tuesday.  The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's.  It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.

We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother S, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos.  Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mr. V loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.

To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.

I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.

First off, S's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday.  Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever.  I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much.  I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.

Second, the night before was CD1.  Although we know we didn't "try hard" last cycle, and we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date.  I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen?  will we ever have a take home baby?"

It just seems like all of this is so much.  I now I only have once choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.