Sonohysterogram

Today I had my sonohysterogram, to check and make sure the polyps didn't come back while I was pregnant with Elisa.  We didn't think it was likely that they would, usually polyps take years to grow back, but while we are waiting to try again, we wanted to make sure we have everything crossed off the list that could cause issues.

The appointment went well and the result was no polyps (yay!) but it was definitely an emotional experience.

I was very nervous leading up to the appointment.  I wasn't too worried about finding polyps because I knew even if we did find them, we know the game plan of how to get rid of them: surgery and we've been there, done that, so that wasn't the problem.  The problem was going back to the same office, the same ultrasound floor that we went to all of those times with Elisa.

Stepping back into the office was hard, and when I got up on the exam table, with the blanket over my knees, ready for the ultrasound (you know what I mean) I realized how much fear I had hidden in the back of my mind.

The memories of being in the delivery room with Elisa all came rushing back.  Memories of the doctors hovered over me when they realized there was a problem.  I've had some recurring dreams about that experience (which I am talking to my counselor about, so I am getting the help I need) but it was just a more physical experience this time, actually being on the table.

Luckily Mr V was able to stay in the room with me while I had the exam, and I had the sweetest sonographer and radiologist doing the procedure.  I was able to get through it all with their lovely support and some focused breathing, but I really really didn't like it.

It makes me worry how I am going to react when I am actually back in the delivery room again. When everything went wrong with Elisa's delivery, and they told us they might have to harm Elisa to get her out (even though she was already gone, the idea of my precious baby girl being hurt or damaged in any way was horrifying to me) and that we might have to have a surgery that would not allow us to have any more children, was such a shocking and horrifying experience.  Yes, everything ended up working out in the end and my defiant baby girl came out all on her own, but those minutes where we thought otherwise were the longest, and some of the worst of my life.

I know I have a long time before I will be back in that delivery room again, and many many steps to take before I get there, but I really do wonder how I am going to handle it. I keep finding other ways this experience has changed me. Not only did I lose my baby girl, but I lost the innocence and excitement that goes along with delivery.  I know I will never be blindly excited to go to the hospital, hospital bag in toe, with a perfect car seat in the back ready to welcome my baby into the world. Next time and every other time after, I know I will always remember being there giving birth to my precious Elisa, who was already gone.