Tuesday, June 23, 2015

This is just so hard

It's been a long week, and it's only Tuesday.

Saturday was 5 months since we lost Elisa

Father's day was extremely hard

Work yesterday was hard both mentally and emotionally for many reasons

And this morning I got the text from my brother that my sister-in-law was in labor. 

I tried all day to not think about it.  I was really hoping that she could hold out a little longer, and maybe be born tomorrow.  Today's is Mr V's father's birthday, and it just seemed cruel that their baby would be born on this day, when Mr V doesn't have his father here, or his daughters.

I got the text announcing her birth, after I got home from work today.  Ironically, I received the text as I was making the last round of edits on the letter I plan to send to the hospital where Elisa was born, outlining the many ways we felt disrespected when she was born.

It all just seems so unfair.  My husband missing his father today, and me, proofreading a letter talking about our daughter's stillbirth, and then 15 minutes away in the same hospital we lost Elisa, my brother and sister-in-law are welcoming their healthy baby girl.

With as hard as this week has already been, I really don't know what I am going to do when I go to meet the baby.  I want so much to be happy for them, and I truly am. But I am also sad for myself.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

A son without a father and a father without his children

Today was really really hard.  Perhaps harder than Mother's Day.  I can handle my own pain and sorrow, that is my burden, but it pains me so much to see the ones I love hurting.

For the second year in a row Mr V spent Father's Day as a son without a father, and as a father without his children. The only difference this year is he has two daughters in heaven, not just one.
I can't even put in to words how incredibly unfair that is. 

He is a wonderful, loving, amazing man and the ones he loves keep getting taken from him.   He has handled the day very well considering, but I know how much he is hurting. And worst of all I can't fix it, I can't change it, I can't make any of it better.

My heart just hurts.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

I wish you would ask me their names

Today we had a team lunch at work because we have a new team member (she will actually be my boss).   While my coworker friend and I waited with the new woman for the two other team members to show up she started talking about her two year old daughter.  I was actually loving hearing the stories about her, but then she asked the seaming simple, but oh so difficult question: "Do you have any kids?"

My friend coworker answered "no" to the question, and then casually managed to change the subject before I had a chance to answer (this coworker knows about Luca and Elisa and she is constantly looking out for me and my fragile heart)

I plan to tell my new boss everything that has happened, I just didn't want to do it in a public setting.  I need her to know on many reasons 1) so she knows why I have all of these doctors appointments, 2) because losing my girls is fully a part of who I am, and I really feel she wouldn't know me if she didn't know about what we have been through and 3) because if we do get pregnant again, I will need her to understand that it isn't all flowers and meadows for me, that I am going to be scared...really really scared next time.

But I didn't feel like a first meet and greet was the best time to load that all on her, so I was glad the conversation changed.

Unfortunately however, throughout the whole lunch it kept swinging back that way. When our other team members showed up one of them  (who knows about my losses) talked about how he and his wife plan to get pregnant soon, after they get back from their Italy vacation at the end of this month.

He also talked about how he and his wife are both very independent, career oriented people, so their plan is to have two kids, back to back, a year a part, so that "they can kind of raise each other, and entertain themselves". 

I long so much to be in every moment of my daughters lives, lives that they will never have here, and he is already talking about how to avoid any extra work in parenting....it just hurt.

I was happy that he ended his comment saying, "well that's the plan, but it might not work out that way" so at least he somewhat acknowledges that things don't always go as planned.

Then the next topic of conversation was "why would anyone have more than one or two kids...they are just so much work"

So basically I spent the whole lunch hurting inside, but doing my best to put on a face so I didn't breakdown right in front of my new boss.

To make matters worse, I just hate that I feel I can't talk about my girls sometimes.  Part of me just wanted to answer the "do you have any kids?" question with "yes, I have two daughters, but they are in heaven"

Sometimes I do, and honestly, I think I would have, had it been a complete stranger.  But given that this was supposed to be a welcome, celebratory lunch for a new employee, I felt like talking about them would 'bring everybody down'

I just wish our culture wasn't so uncomfortable with the topic of death. I wish I could just say I have two daughters who are in heaven, and have someone say sorry, without the awkward silence that follows, better yet, they would even ask my what their names were, wouldn't that be wonderful!

Monday, June 8, 2015

I Need This

It's been a while since I have written.  With being on vacation and then getting back in to the swing of things, blogging fell of the Radar. 

I have thought about picking up the computer and blogging quite a few times over the last few weeks, but I kept making excuses: it's too nice outside, I spend so much time in front of the computer at work, that I shouldn't waste my precious home time back in front of the screen again etc.

But what I realized, is I need this.

I need to get my feelings out on paper (well on screen) or else they fester inside and become overwhelming.

As I am typing right now I can physically feel the weight in my chest being lifted...and I haven't even started writing anything important yet.  The catharsis of the written word...

The last few weeks have been filled with ups and downs.

Our vacation was wonderful on many levels. I was surprised how getting away really helped.  Spending time with Mr V away from the hub bub of every day life, and getting away from the superficial interactions of work and common interactions was a refreshing change of scene.

On the other hand it was hard.  The constant reminder that we shouldn't be on the trip because we should be at home with a one and a half year hold and a newborn.  I tried to enjoy every day the best I could, and did fairly well most of the time, but I did have one really bad day on the trip on Elisa's 4 month, where I sat on the floor of our Ireland B&B and bawled my eyes out until there were no more tears.

Now that the trip is over, I am struggling to find something else to look forward to.  Things are still off with my cycle, and so our Creighton Doctor recommended us waiting a while longer to try (and honestly I don't think I am emotionally ready to try).  Although I am concerned that we have some things to work through health wise (possible low progesterone and a recently discovered hypothyroidism) I am so grateful for our Creighton doc, as none of this would have been discovered had we not started seeing her.

But now that we are back from our trip and can't start trying, and knowing that my Sister-In-Law is ready to deliver her baby girl any day now, has put me in a really hard place.  I know only have one choice, to just keep going one day at a time but right now it seems like I am wading though thick mud.