Luca

After month and months of trying I was starting to become pretty pessimistic about pregnancy tests. The morning we found out we were pregnant with Luca, I took a test, but was a bit too impatient, and was quick to dismiss it as negative. I was so fed up with trying and just getting negative test after negative test, so I left the test in the bathroom and just walked away.  A few minutes later, Mr V walked in to the bathroom and all of a sudden I heard him say "ummmm honey....there are two lines here....doesn't two lines mean something?"  So I came running back in to the bathroom and sure enough, it was positive!!

It was a Sunday morning in early June of 2013 when we tested, and so after giving each other some pretty big hugs, we got ready to go to Chapel Choir.  We went to choir, and then Mass and after Mass had brunch plans with some friends from choir.  I remember being so overjoyed, and feeling like Mr V and I had our own little secret.  I was super excited that I had to find something on the brunch menu that didn't involve over-easy eggs.  Finally I was avoiding the pregnancy no-no foods because I was actually pregnant, not because I might be pregnant.

We had our first prenatal appointment and they did blood tests to confirm our pregnancy and to talk to us about how care would work throughout the pregnancy.  It was after this appointment that we told my parents; they were overjoyed!  Then at 8 weeks we went in for our first prenatal check.   Dr K said everything looked great with baby and we were able to see her heartbeat.  Seeing the little heartbeat flicker on the screen was the most amazing sight I had ever seen. Mr. V's mom came to visit for 4th of July and we told her the good news and then later in July we went on a big family vacation and told my whole family.

It was around this time in late July that I started lightly spotting.  Being the worry wart that I am, I called the doctor's office to check.  They said it was common in the first trimester and not to worry, especially since our next apportionment was less than a week away.

It was Tuesday August 6th when we went in for our 12 week appointment.  When the ultrasound started Dr K tried to do an abdominal scan but she couldn't see anything.  She then said we needed to try the closer up, vaginal scan.  I didn't think anything of it, but now I know she was concerned that the baby wasn't as big as she should have been.  When she started the second scan was when our world came crashing down.  Dr K said "I am very very sorry, I can't find a heartbeat". The worst words I have ever heard in my life.  Dr. K was so sweet and printed out some extra pictures of her for us to have.  It turns out Luca stopped growing at about 8 weeks 3 days, so just days after our last appointment.

Dr K. She said we could either have a D&C or wait and have a natural misscaratge.  I knew I wanted to be able to "birth" my baby, even if she was already gone, so we decided to wait.  Somehow I was able to hold myself together in the office, I don't know how, everything seemed so surreal.

As we left the office I had to make a follow up appointment, and the receptionist, not knowing what had happened, asked "when is your due date?"  I honestly don't remember how I answered, I think Mr V did for us.  So we made our appointment and left the office.

It was as we made our way to the parking lot that the tears started come and just wouldn't stop.  How could our baby be gone? Everything we had hoped and prayed for, gone in an instance. We got to the car and I lost it, hyperventilating crying. I bawled all the way home while Mr. V drove. He was so strong to hold it together for the both of us, to get us home.  Then when we got home we both slumped on the couch and cried together, cried and cried.  I think from pure exhaustion, the crying stopped, and I had to call my mom to tell her the news.  Saying those words "there was no heartbeat" out loud brought the crushing blow back again and I started crying again.

Both Mr V and I were lucky enough to be able to work the rest of the week from home.  I was so grateful to have him there with me as we both cried and worried and waited for when my body would realize that our baby was no longer alive, and I would experience the physical miscarriage.

It was in the early morning hours of Saturday, August 10th that the contractions started, the continued for about 5 hours and finally our baby girl came out.  She herself was so very tiny, and surrounded by her amniotic sac and beginnings of the placenta.

My mom and dad came over when the sun came up, and we baptized her - no we did't know for sure if she was a boy or a girl, but both Mr V and I had a feeling it was a girl - We named her a somewhat androgynous name Luca, meaning light and Adriana, meaning darkness.  Our little angle, the light in our darkness.

We decided to have her tiny body buried in the holy innocents section at our Catholic Cemetery.  We had her stone engraved with "Singing with the Angels".  Now every time they say "joining with the angles and saints" at Mass on Sunday, we picture our little girl singing in the choir with the angels.