I Need This

It's been a while since I have written.  With being on vacation and then getting back in to the swing of things, blogging fell of the Radar. 

I have thought about picking up the computer and blogging quite a few times over the last few weeks, but I kept making excuses: it's too nice outside, I spend so much time in front of the computer at work, that I shouldn't waste my precious home time back in front of the screen again etc.

But what I realized, is I need this.

I need to get my feelings out on paper (well on screen) or else they fester inside and become overwhelming.

As I am typing right now I can physically feel the weight in my chest being lifted...and I haven't even started writing anything important yet.  The catharsis of the written word...

The last few weeks have been filled with ups and downs.

Our vacation was wonderful on many levels. I was surprised how getting away really helped.  Spending time with Mr V away from the hub bub of every day life, and getting away from the superficial interactions of work and common interactions was a refreshing change of scene.

On the other hand it was hard.  The constant reminder that we shouldn't be on the trip because we should be at home with a one and a half year hold and a newborn.  I tried to enjoy every day the best I could, and did fairly well most of the time, but I did have one really bad day on the trip on Elisa's 4 month, where I sat on the floor of our Ireland B&B and bawled my eyes out until there were no more tears.

Now that the trip is over, I am struggling to find something else to look forward to.  Things are still off with my cycle, and so our Creighton Doctor recommended us waiting a while longer to try (and honestly I don't think I am emotionally ready to try).  Although I am concerned that we have some things to work through health wise (possible low progesterone and a recently discovered hypothyroidism) I am so grateful for our Creighton doc, as none of this would have been discovered had we not started seeing her.

But now that we are back from our trip and can't start trying, and knowing that my Sister-In-Law is ready to deliver her baby girl any day now, has put me in a really hard place.  I know only have one choice, to just keep going one day at a time but right now it seems like I am wading though thick mud.