Easter

To be honest Easter this year was really hard. We are a week away from Elisa's due date and thinking back to when we found out we were pregnant with her it seemed so perfect that we would be welcoming her so close to Easter.

There was so much hope in that. Thinking back to last Easter when we were so sad and discouraged after losing Luca earlier that year and trying again without any success.  Last year I thought for sure the next Easter would be better.

But once again we spent another Easter at the cemetery this time visiting both our girls.

I want so much to have the hope and joy that used to be with me on Easter but it's just not there.

Mr V and I joined back in our church choir for the first time since Elisa died, to sing in the Easter Vigil service last night. Normally the vigil is such an energizing experience and I enjoy going through the many readings of the old testament. Our church does the service so beautifully. All of the readings in the dark by candle light and the lights gloriously coming on after all of the readings when we finally proclaim the alleluia. The elect are baptized outside by wading into the reflection pond and have water poured over them as the congregation surrounds them. The music is beautiful and the church is filled with the joy of the resurrection.

But this year I did not feel any of that joy. During the old testament readings in the dark I sat in the choir next to Mr V, holding tightly to his hand. I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness, despair and doubt as each reader proclaimed the word. I held back the tears with each passing minute.

When the lights came on for the alleluia I painted a smile on my face and did my best to sing as if I felt the joy of everyone else. When it came to my solos I had to fight hard to not cry as I sang. 

After the last song of "Jesus Christ is Risin Today" when the congregation erupted in joyous applause I had to sit down. All the energy I used to sing and put on a happy face during the Mass had drained me and I couldn't pretend anymore. I was overcome with sadness on so many different levels. Sad that Luca was not here as a one year old,  sad that Elisa was not here and sad that on top of it all I feel so alone and abandoned in my faith.

I feel like I just went through the emotions this year but a part of me hoped that by at least doing that I would have some ounce of peace or reassurance in my heart. But I left Mass more sad and feeling more alone than when I came.

I know it doesn't help because I will never get an answer to the question but I left that evening asking "why? Why am I spending another Easter without another one of my children? "