Fed by Tears

"Oh God, how long wilt thou be angry with thy people that prayeth
Thou feedest them with the bread of tears
and givest them pleanteousness of tears to drink"

The choir I am in just had a concert and these are the words of one of the songs we sang.

This is so how I feel right now.  Lost in my faith, and feeling like God isn't there, and if He is, he is just letting us suffer.

I know in my heart God didn't "do this to us" because he was angry. But I do feel like all I have from him is tears and sorrow.  We have been through so much, and yet what we want so dearly comes so quickly and easily to others, but is through sweat, blood and tears for us.

Why would God put this passion in our hearts for children, yet not allow us to carry one to term, while He allows others to get pregnant, only to neglect the baby or abuse their children?

All I have ever wanted in my life was to be a mother.  Yes, college was important, and I am glad I am in the working world to use my skills, but really, my life goal, and my life passion is that I want to be a mom.

The one thing I want, is the one thing I can't have, and the one thing I can't control when I get it.

If I wanted a promotion, I would work hard, take on more responsibility and show I earned it.

If I wanted a new car, I would put money aside to start saving for one, and research the best dealer to go to.

But wanting to be a mom....wanting a baby?  I can plan all I want, believe me I've tried. And I can prepare, get in shape, take vitamins, wait until we bought a house, wait until we have money saved, and yet with all of my planning, and preparation, still no baby to mother here on this earth.

I am stuck.  What I've always wanted, and what always seemed so easily achievable, - no one in my family has had problems with infertility or loss - is now not easily obtainable and I have to come to terms with the fact that it may not happen, at least in the way I expected.

I guess I have to be fed and quenched by tears.  I have to take what I am given in this life, and make the best of it - because the alternative is to give up, and that doesn't honor my girls, does it?