Meeting My New Niece

Last week I met my new niece C for the first time.  There were so many emotions involved in this meeting, I was nervous, I was scared, I was happy for my brother, I was sad for myself, I was angry.


Sad and angry that my daughter is not here, that I am childless yet again and others seem to breeze through pregnancy without even a hiccup.  Sad that C and Elisa will never meet, sad that I miss my daughter and will miss her growing up with her cousin.


I really didn't know what to expect when I walked in my parents house to meet her.  We chose my parents house, so that we could stop by and make an easy exit if we wanted to, without being to rude, but being at my parents house was also hard.  Like Elisa should be a granddaughter there too.


My arms were empty walking in to their house, and my heart was heavy.  I so very much want to be, and am happy for my brother, but I am so sad for Mr V and I.


Although it was so very hard to be there, I am glad we went.  I was surprised by my reaction in many ways.  First holding C actually felt good, felt healing.  Holding her made me realize how much I do want to have children here on earth.  Now that we have been medically cleared to try again, I have been terrified at the idea of trying.  Terrified that we will try and we will fail, that we won't be able to get pregnant.  Terrified that we will try and fail, and loose another baby.


But holding C reminded me of why I want to be a mom, and that it is in my bones, in my soul to want to be a mother to a child on this earth, to give Luca and Elisa a baby sibling.


On the opposite side, holding C was hard, feeling good holding her made me feel guilty, like I was betraying my baby girls by enjoying the warm feeling of another baby.  I know my girls know I love them, but I couldn't help it.  I spent the time we were there swinging between wanting to hold her longer, to hold on to that feeling of hope of children on earth, and wanting someone to take her away so that I wouldn't feel so guilty.


What I was even more surprised about was that holding her was not the hardest, it was seeing other people hold her.  I felt like it should be my Ellie that they should be holding and gawking over, but instead they are memorized with this other child, as if the hurt and devastation to Elisa never happened.


It is so strange to be in this place of paradox.  Being full of love and happiness for my brother, sister in law and baby C, but being just as full of sadness and hurt.