I wish you would ask me their names

Today we had a team lunch at work because we have a new team member (she will actually be my boss).   While my coworker friend and I waited with the new woman for the two other team members to show up she started talking about her two year old daughter.  I was actually loving hearing the stories about her, but then she asked the seaming simple, but oh so difficult question: "Do you have any kids?"

My friend coworker answered "no" to the question, and then casually managed to change the subject before I had a chance to answer (this coworker knows about Luca and Elisa and she is constantly looking out for me and my fragile heart)

I plan to tell my new boss everything that has happened, I just didn't want to do it in a public setting.  I need her to know on many reasons 1) so she knows why I have all of these doctors appointments, 2) because losing my girls is fully a part of who I am, and I really feel she wouldn't know me if she didn't know about what we have been through and 3) because if we do get pregnant again, I will need her to understand that it isn't all flowers and meadows for me, that I am going to be scared...really really scared next time.

But I didn't feel like a first meet and greet was the best time to load that all on her, so I was glad the conversation changed.

Unfortunately however, throughout the whole lunch it kept swinging back that way. When our other team members showed up one of them  (who knows about my losses) talked about how he and his wife plan to get pregnant soon, after they get back from their Italy vacation at the end of this month.

He also talked about how he and his wife are both very independent, career oriented people, so their plan is to have two kids, back to back, a year a part, so that "they can kind of raise each other, and entertain themselves". 

I long so much to be in every moment of my daughters lives, lives that they will never have here, and he is already talking about how to avoid any extra work in parenting....it just hurt.

I was happy that he ended his comment saying, "well that's the plan, but it might not work out that way" so at least he somewhat acknowledges that things don't always go as planned.

Then the next topic of conversation was "why would anyone have more than one or two kids...they are just so much work"

So basically I spent the whole lunch hurting inside, but doing my best to put on a face so I didn't breakdown right in front of my new boss.

To make matters worse, I just hate that I feel I can't talk about my girls sometimes.  Part of me just wanted to answer the "do you have any kids?" question with "yes, I have two daughters, but they are in heaven"

Sometimes I do, and honestly, I think I would have, had it been a complete stranger.  But given that this was supposed to be a welcome, celebratory lunch for a new employee, I felt like talking about them would 'bring everybody down'

I just wish our culture wasn't so uncomfortable with the topic of death. I wish I could just say I have two daughters who are in heaven, and have someone say sorry, without the awkward silence that follows, better yet, they would even ask my what their names were, wouldn't that be wonderful!