Getting on the NaPro Bandwagon

Everything is in order and we are scheduled for our NaPro Intro Session in mid March, and I am excited ! (not so excited about the whole abstinence for a cycle thing, but honestly that should be cake in comparison to the amount of time we had to abstain during our pregnancy with Elisa, considering I was on bed rest for nearly all of it..sorry over share...)

I first came across NaPro from the wonderful women I follow here and it peaked my interest. Mr V and I have been using the sympto-thermal method of NFP for a long while now, but I had not heard of NaPro until I entered the Catholic infertility blogging world.  Once I found it, I was so interested to learn more about how it can help identify underlying health problems, or help with multiple losses.

So I started researching, and turns out there is a distance learning program for our area, and the Dr. associated with the program happens to only be about a 15 minute drive from our house!

I do have to say, I am a scientist at heart, I majored in Chemistry in college, and when Mr. V and I went to our first NFP class for sympto-thermal, I was a little skeptical.  But once I read the books and started charting my skepticism turned into more interest....I had a little epiphany...duh of course it works, it is going off biological markers for what the body naturally does...hormones (chemicals)....causing a reaction.....ending in a result that can be observed and recorded..... producing data... from which conclusions can be made....it makes sense!!!

So when I found NaPro, using the charting information to make informed decisions about medical issues and fertility I was super interested.

I also am liking the fact that starting the NaPro courses now help me to feel like I am doing something productive.  I am a planner, and a task-doer by nature (one of those people who loves to make lists and cross things off of them...even sometimes putting things on the list that are already done, just to be able to cross some more things off....oh what satisfaction!)  But right now I feel like I am in a rut with achieving things.

We know we want to try again, but we can't for at least 6 months. Besides, I know I am not emotionally ready to try again, and won't be for some time.  But one of the hard things is that grief is a weird, non-linear thing, that I know I can't just "task list" my way through.  It will happen how it happens, on it's own timeline and it's own weird, sometimes backward course.

So I need something to be working toward that I can control, that will put me in a good place for whenever we are ready to try again.  What better thing to do than NaPro.  Well, I sure have talked it up a lot, I hope that it lives up to my expectations :)

Final Week

This is my last week on leave before I have to go back to work, My return date is next Tuesday the 2nd and I am having a hard time thinking about going back.  It's not that I don't like my job or my coworkers, I have some really good, really supportive people that I work with, and what I do is intellectually stimulating.  It's just that I am not ready to have things go back to "normal".  To wake up every day at the same time and drive the same streets I did every day before this happened.  To continue my days, just like they were before, when they are anything but what they were before.

Last time I went in to the office was in November, before Elisa's diagnosis. Once she was officially diagnosed on November 24th, I was put on bed rest and I worked from home. Then after she was born, on January 20th, I have been on medical leave and haven't worked at all.

Not only is it me going back to work and doing all the things I did before, before my world was shattered once again, but it is that I never thought my life would be normal again.  Since we had the positive test in July, although I was worried about another loss, losing this baby just like Luca, I pictured making it to Easter time, and then having a baby, going on actual maternity leave, spending time getting to know my baby.  And then when I returned to work after my leave, I would have a baby to look forward to coming home to.  My life wouldn't be normal, because I would have a baby.

But now, my life isn't normal because I am a grieving mother...again.  All of my hopes and dreams and ideas of what my future held, snatched and taken away from me again.  And now I have to go back to what things looked like before, even though I am a completely different person. The Maria my coworkers last saw doesn't exist anymore, I am now the Maria who has two babies in heaven.

Dear Luca

Dear Luca,

This day last year was your due date, today you would have been one.  I know we have been caught up lately with our sadness of losing your little sister, but I want you to know how much we love and miss YOU.  You of course are the little girl (or maybe little boy, you can give us a hard time when we meet in Heaven if we were wrong) who made us mommy and daddy. We were so overjoyed when we found out you were coming, when that little stick showed two lines.  It was one of our happiest days when we first saw your heart beat on the ultrasound screen and it tore us apart three months later when it was no longer there.

We miss you so very much. We so very much wish that today we would be watching you try your birthday cake (and most likely getting more on your face than in your mouth) and watching you open presents.  But instead we visited you at the cemetery and left you flowers there.

We did our best to celebrate you even though we are sad, sad that we don't have you and that we don't have your sister.  But I am eased a bit knowing that you were there to meet Elisa when she joined you in Heaven in January, and my heart is comforted knowing you two are together.

If you were here today, the house would be filled with laughter, and you may even be walking by now!  Know that I love you so very much and I think about you and miss you every single day.

Love, Mommy

We made you a birthday cake, lit your candle and sang you happy birthday! It is funnfetti cake (your daddy's favorite and was also the top layer of our wedding cake! He said he thinks it would be your favorite too)

After we had cake, we lit your sister's candle too, and then listened to the Cathedral
Compline service on the radio 

One Month

Today marks one month since our little Elisa left this world.  This time exactly a month ago we were leaving the hospital arms empty and hearts broken.  It seems like that day was long in the past, but also just like yesterday.

Happy one month in Heaven baby girl, we love you and miss you so very much!

Lent - Taize Reflections

This Lent I have decided to post Taize song reflections once a week.  For those of you who haven't heard of Taize, it originates from the Taize Community, an ecumenical monastic order in the town of Taize, France.  The community was founded by Brother Roger Schutz and is composed of more than one hundred brothers, from both Protestant and Catholic traditions.

Taize services are meant to be reflective and contemplative; often in the evening by candlelight vigil. Taize music, used in the services, is typically comprised of songs with simple phrases, usually from Psalms or other Scripture, which are repeated over and over - Using repetition, and music for meditation and prayer.

Taize also has a special place in my heart because Mr V and I have been involved in Taize services since the beginning of our relationship.  Our college campus ministry had Taize every Tuesday evening during Lent. I helped organize them through being in chapel choir and it became part of my Lenten routine to go. Mr. V also attended the services and before we started dating I remember trying to get the guts up to talk to him after one of the services :)

So I want to extend a bit of Taize here, as part of my Lenten journey this year..

First one I want to share is Ubi Caritas, as right now I really cling to those words.  "Where charity and love are, God is there", reminding me God is there in the love of my family and friends. It was also one of the songs we had at Elisa's service

Taize- Ubi Caritas
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est
Where charity and love are, God is there.

Follow Up Apointment

Today we had our postpartum 4 week check up at the high risk office.  We met with a nurse practitioner and when I scheduled the appointment, to be honest I was a little mad they had us scheduled with a nurse practitioner. Nothing against nurse practitioners, but it felt a bit like once again the high risk office was pushing me aside because I didn't have a living baby to worry about. But when we met her, I was so glad we were having the appointment with her.  She was so kind, and so knowledgeable.

First, she started off, with telling us how very sorry she was, and I could tell she meant it.  I am so grateful for the compassionate people in the world.  She ran us through all of our results, the blood work, the placental analysis and autopsy.  And the results all came back that it was a placental/implantation problem, and that the likelihood of recurrence is very very low.

We are so relieved that this isn't a genetic issue, or something that might have a higher chance of recurrence, but it is also hard to take in that it was a fluke.  The nurse practitioner even said it,"It was  just really really shitty luck".  (she apologized for swearing, but I was glad she said it, cause if she hadn't I would have :) )

It is just hard to hear that our little Elisa was perfect, and the stupid d*** placenta kept her from growing.

We are so happy to know that we hopefully have a chance of having a successful pregnancy in the future, but that doesn't change the fact that we want her, we miss her.  Another baby will not replace her and another baby won't fix our hurt.   But through all of our hurt  we are grateful that we hopefully can at least give her a little brother or sister some day.

They recommended waiting to try for another 3 cycles, but 6 months to be safe.  We will most likely wait at least 6 months, just to know we are physically ready, and to make sure we are emotionally ready. Who knows if we will even be ready at 6 months. I know we have a long road of grief ahead of us and I can't even begin to think about the emotional strain of trying to conceive with our record of infertility.  So for now I will work to make myself healthy, in mind and body, and when the time comes we will pray that we will be blessed with another child.

4 weeks

4 weeks...4 weeks ago my baby girl was born silently in to this wold.  It feels as if months have past, while simultaneously it feels like I just held her yesterday.

I miss her so very much. I miss her smell, I miss her tiny perfect little fingers and perfect little toes.  I miss feeling her little hand wrapped around my finger, even though she never grasped or held back on to mine. I miss her precious little nose that looked so much like her daddy's.

I miss how we were supposed to be together right now.  I miss her kicks, her twists and turns reminding me that she was still there, that she was still fighting.

I miss what she would have become, I miss that I don't get to spend weeks with her on maternity leave. I miss that we will never go out grandmother, mom and baby with my mom. I miss that I will never see her become a daddy's girl, because I know he would have been wrapped around her little finger.

I even miss the nights we would have not slept due to bad sleeping patterns, or sickness. I miss when she would have had tantrums, or the terrible twos or ferocious fours.

I miss her and all she was and all she would have become. I miss my baby girl.

Signs of my Baby Beluga in unlikely places

I have become more appreciative every day that we gave Elisa a nickname, and had something to call her throughout the pregnancy, even before we knew she was a she.  I feel like I see our little Baby Beluga everywhere and although it makes me sad she isn't here, I am so glad I have little reminders of her in unlikely places.

Like today, I went to Target to get some thank you notes for all of the wonderful things people have sent us.  And look what was in the stationary section....right at eye level

Of course I picked up a package to use for thank you notes, but then an extra package to keep just to have around the house.

A continued conversation with my niece

Last week we were out celebrating my nephew's (P's older brother) birthday.  We had gone to pizza as a family, and then headed back to my parents house for birthday cake.  While we waited for cake at my parents, P came up to me and asked if she could look at pictures (it is a common thing we do, look at pictures on my phone, and I think she likes it because most of them are of her haha).  So she asked me if we could look at pictures, and then said "do you have any pictures of your baby?"

I fumbled with my words for a bit, but then said yes.  She climbed up on the couch next to me and waited to look at the pictures.  I was trying my best to only pull up the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos, the ones that have been edited and more suggestive of a baby, than a full photo of her.  But the first photo that popped up, was the one I had taken on my phone of Elisa's face.

This photo is my most treasured photo, it is where you can see that she has Mr V's nose, and my mouth.  Where you can see her eyes, and her little fuzz of a hair on her head.  But she doesn't look like a "normal baby" she looks like a 28 week gestation baby.  She is pinkish/redish, and her skin is very thin. As her momma, I of course, think she is beautiful, but I don't often share that photo, because I know others might not think the same, and honestly it is just too treasured for me to worry about someone thinking otherwise.

Well again, with the honesty of a four year old P saw the photo and said "what's wrong with your baby?" and so I had to explain that she didn't look like a normal baby, she was little, even littler than a newborn.  P still didn't seem to get it. So I finally found the NILMDTS photos, and showed her Elisa's little baby feet.  Then I think P got it.  The next picture was of Elisa's little hands and her teddy bear and P said "ohhhh look she is holding her teddy!".

I know for now P is to little to understand fully what has happened, but hope as time goes on P will eventually see Elisa as her cousin, just one that lives in heaven rather than here on earth.

Weekend Getaway

This weekend Mr V and I took a little weekend getaway back to the Olympic Peninsula.  It was really nice to get away for the weekend, and get some fresh air, but it was also really hard because that last time we went there was on a specific mission of "Showing Baby Beluga the World"

It was after her diagnosis, and following a very bad appointment, that we decided to take the trip last time.  Knowing that it was becoming more and more unlikely that our little Elisa, then "baby beluga" would make it to live on this earth.

When we were packing and then heading out the door on Friday afternoon, I kept feeling like I was forgetting something.  I ran the checklist over in my head, and also reassured myself that we could pick up anything from a store when we got there if need be, but nothing seemed to help me feel better.  Then I realized what was missing, it was Elisa.  Last time she was with us and now she wasn't.  I was pretty upset when we got in the car. Then just like the wonderful husband he always is, Mr V took my hand and said he missed her too, and that even though she wasn't here (he put his hand on my belly) she is here (put his hand on my heart and then his). God I love that man, and can't imagine getting through these days without him.

As as I know she is in our hearts, and in a better place in Heaven, as Mr V and I spent time on the Peninsula this weekend, I couldn't help but remember the last time we went on the beach, the last time we rode the ferry, Elisa was with us.

I just miss her so much, and I miss Luca. I miss what out life was "supposed to be".  This time when we went on our trip we stayed at the same little rental cottage we often do.  The familiar room reminded me of the conversations Mr V and I had nearly three years ago, about wanting to start a family.  Never in a million years did I picture that we would be coming back now not only without any living children, but having two in heaven, and having all of the pain and sorrow of these years on our shoulders.

I know I have another tough weekend coming up. Next Friday will be one month since Elisa was born sleeping, and a week from today is the one year anniversary of Luca's due date.  I can't help but feel like I should have a nearly one year old, and a newborn right now instead of empty arms. I just pray that some time in the future Mr V and I can look back at today during a happier time, perhaps with Luca and Elisa's little brother(s) or little sister(s).

A beautiful gift from a thoughtful friend

Today when he got home from work Mr V brought a card and a gift from one of our coworkers (long story, but Mr V and I did not meet at work, however now, nearly 10 years after meeting, and 5 years of marriage, we work together at the same company).

Anyhoo, he brought this card and gift from one of our coworkers, who I have become very good friends with since I started at the company about 5 years ago.  She has started her own jewelry business on the side of her day job and she made me this necklace.

It has both Luca and Elisa's birthstones and then a little engraving in the middle with each of their initials and a heart. What surprised me the most was I knew she knew about Luca, but I didn't realize she actually remembered her name, and when she was born.  (I didn't often talk about Luca by name, especially at work, because she was such an early loss, I didn't know how people would take it. I didn't want to risk having my feelings hurt if they didn't understand that I consider her my baby girl. My experience of carrying Elisa to term despite her diagnosis has actually helped me talk about Luca more, but that's a post for another day)

So not only was it incredibly thoughtful that my friend made this for me, and I could tell the love that went in to hand making it, but also it meant the world to me that she remembered my girls by their "birth date" and their names.  This friend is in her late 20s as well, and isn't married, and hasn't had a loss of a baby. She was someone that I wouldn't expect to understand (and I mean that in a kind way, not a judgey upset "you wouldn't understand" way, I don't expect anyone to get this unless they have experienced it). I have just been so amazed by the support and love that have come out of the woodwork, and how people have surprised me in how much they care about me, Mr. V and our girls.

Getting back in to Crafting

Along with singing and playing the piano, one of my other favorite pastimes is to craft.  I haven't done much crafting since Elisa was diagnosed. I did some cross stitch while on bed rest, but mostly I couldn't get myself motivated because everything I wanted to make would be for her, and it would just make me too sad knowing she likely wouldn't be here to enjoy them.

But today, I decided to work on something somewhat simple, to get me "back in the game". So I decided to do something for my girls.

A few days after Elisa was born, I did a little online retail therapy at amazon.  Luckily I didn't end up with a bunch of stuff I didn't need, I was actually pretty intentional in my purchases.  I bought a few books on baby loss, and then these Willow Tree figurines of two children, Called "Two Together"

I love the Willow Tree figurines.  After we got married, we bought the  "Promise" (one of the couple) we also bought the Angel's Embrace when we lost Luca (and we will probably buy another one for Elisa). And this year for Christmas Mr V bought me the nativity scene!

When I bought the two children, my plan was to make little angel wings to put on them.

So here is what I did:

Bought some 24 gauge wire from the craft store, and some Loctite glue (OK I am going to admit it, I totally bought it because of the ridiculous Super Bowl commercial).

I wrapped the wire around my fingers and then wound it around to make little wings.

The I glued the wings to the Willow Tree Figures, and tada my two little angels :)

I think at some point I will add a little flower in their hair, or some kind of pink bow, to show they are my girls, but for now this was a good start to get me back to crafting!

The Innocence (and Honesty) of a Four Year Old

My niece "P" is four.  She has three older brothers, so she knows how to handle herself, she is independent, and spunky, however, very much a girly girl.

A few days after Elisa's birth, P came over to visit with my dad.  I was still in quite a bit of pain from engorgement, so was just laying on the couch.  Mr V was still working form home at this time, and was about to take a break for lunch, so my dad asked if he could leave P with us, so he could get some things done around their house (my parents live less than a block away...yes I have the best husband in the world to live that close to his in laws).

So P stayed with us for about an hour or so.  She decided she wanted to make valentines, and to hang them on a tree wall decal we have on the landing of our stairs.  She was very particular about exactly what she wanted to do.

When she got done coloring she told me she needed to go down the stairs, and tape them to the tree. I told her I would give her the tape, but that she would have to do it herself, since I was hurting too much to get up and help her.

Then with the innocence of a four year old she said "yeah, you are hurt, cause your baby died". Mr V and I were both a little taken aback by what she said, for one, at this point we didn't know if my brother had even told her what happened, so we thought she didn't know, and second, because well, she just said it how it was.  Yes, I was hurt because my baby died, both physically and emotionally. As much as it pained me to hear those words "your baby died" it was also healing.  Other people had said "you lost your baby", "your baby was stillborn", but no one had really uttered the truth, that, my baby had died.

I am a mother, a mother whose only children have died.  Walking down the street people don't know I am a mother, because I don't have a baby, or nearly one year old with me.  I don't get to shopping for baby clothes, or toddler toys. I don't get to think of themes for an upcoming first birthday. But I am a mother, to two wonderful girls, who just happen to be in heaven rather than here on earth.

Wine, Sushi, Chocolate and Women Who "Get It"

This weekend a very good friend, came up to visit.  We have been friends since college, and lived together our junior year.  Our friendship became even deeper after college, as we unfortunately have the common bond of baby loss.  She lost her baby from miscarriage about a year before we lost Luca, and I am forever grateful for her support during that time.  I am sad that losing our babies is what brought us closer, but I am so grateful she is in our lives.

She was also a wonderful support throughout my pregnancy with Elisa.  When I called to tell her Elisa no longer had a heartbeat, we cried on the phone together, and she told me she would be praying for us.  She checked in on me while at the hospital and the days following Elisa's birth.  A few days after we got home from the hospital I got a call from her that she wanted to come visit and take care of Mr V and I, only if we wanted her to though.

I usually don't ask for help, but I knew not only would it be nice to have her here to help with some things around the house, but it would also be good to spend some time with another women who could relate.  Although she hasn't experienced stillbirth and multiple losses, and I hope she and really anyone else NEVER has to experience this, but she has lost a baby, she is Catholic, and just a very compassionate caring person. I knew she would get it and I could just be myself 100%

So this weekend she drove to see us (I guess I also owe a thank you to her wonderful husband for watching their two kids while she came here too :) ).  It was wonderful in many ways.  We chatted and reminisced about college, which allowed me to distract myself a bit.  But we also talked about Elisa, Luca, and her baby a lot.  I could be open with her, and talk about my girls as much as I wanted without feeling like I was being a downer, like I do with other people.  We looked at pictures, I  talked about how much I loved holding Elisa, and how much I hated having to give her back.  We talked about my fear during her pregnancy, and we talked about the delivery and how it went wrong, and how I was, and still am, so scared about what happened.

We also met up one night with one of our other roommates from college.  It was so wonderful being out together all three of us.  And good for me to get out and about.  Saturday was  wonderful girls night with wine, sushi, and of course dessert.

The best part about it was that it was going out and returning to the outside world, in a total safe environment.  Mr V and I have gone out since Elisa has died, and of course I felt safe with him, but this was really my first time being out and about without him.  With these women I was able to be social, but in a safe environment, where I knew if I was going to cry, or just felt like I needed to go home I could.  But because it was such a wonderful time, and I was with people who really "got it" I didn't need to go home, I didn't feel sad (well as sad as I thought I might).  I feel so lucky to have women in my life who "get it".  Even our other roommate who we met with, she hasn't ever experienced baby loss, but she is just one of those rare people who "get it" anyway and is an amazing support.

I know my life will never be normal again, just like it wasn't after we lost Luca, but I am so grateful for the people that love and support the new me and want to hold my hand and hold me up as I slowly put the pieces of my heart back together.

Betrayed By My Body

I am lucky to have lived my life with a pretty good view of my body.  Yes, I totally went through the awkward stage of middle school, which pretty much lasted until my freshman year of college :)  but even in my awkwardness, I have always been proud of my body.  That is until now. Now I feel like it has betrayed me, and after its betrayal it is now mocking me.

My body after all is what caused my babies to die. Yes, I know it is not my fault, the doctors have told me many times, but I still can't help but be mad at this machine that is my body for not doing what it was supposed to.  They are fairly certain our miscarriage with Luca and trouble getting pregnant had to do with my polyps (we will never no for sure, because we didn't do any testing with Luca).  Then with Elisa, it was the placenta that was the problem. The very thing that was supposed to be my baby's lifeline, was hogging all the nutrients and keeping it for itself (seriously placenta, you had ONE job to do).  It grew larger and larger while my baby fell behind the growth targets, and eventually led to her not being able to live on this earth.

I lived for 10 weeks worried about my baby, from the time of her diagnosis in November, to when she left this world in January.  Worrying about what my body was not providing her. Put on bed rest,  hoping that by saving my energy would be enough to save her - but it wasn't.

Then after we found she no longer had a heartbeat, I went through labor and again my body almost betrayed me.  I know that the issues with our labor outlined in the post Elisa's Birth were really the result of bad medical care, but again, my body was fighting against what it was supposed to be doing in labor.  And by doing this, it almost cost my baby's precious body, and almost cost us the hope of any future children.

Then....then was the salt in the wound.  After making it through the difficult pregnancy, after making it through the pains of knowing my child had died and would have to be born, after making it through labor, my body had to mock me.  Mock my pain by adding to my pain.  My body started to produce milk for a baby that was already gone. For the baby it could not provide for before, now it shows up, now it is "ready to go".

The engorgement pain I experienced for over a week was one of my lowest lows.  Milk was coming in for a baby that was already gone.  A baby that my body couldn't provide for before, but NOW my body was ready to provide for it.  And the pain...I was in so much physical pain. (It turns out after I was finally able to get into a doctor after 5 days of excruciating pain, that my engorgement was much more than typical...a good sign I would be able to provide well whenever we have a living baby...but for now it meant horrible pain). For over a week I could not do anything except lie flat on my back and not move.  Even leaning over to get my water to take Advil was too much movement,  Standing up hurt because gravity would cause too much pain.  All I wanted was to be held while I cried about our baby being gone and to be held as I cried about the pain, but even a soft embrace caused too much pain.

Now that the engorgement pain has gone, I am confused because in a way I miss it.  As painful as it was, it was the last thing physically tying me to the fact that my baby girl had been born.

Now that labor is over, engorgement is gone and things are starting to slowly go back to "normal" well the new normal, I see that my body is forever changed.  When I get in the shower I notice my stretch marks, my sagging boobs, and my little pooch of a belly.  All things I was thinking would be battle wounds, worth the reward of our baby girl.  But I didn't get the prize at the end of the journey. I am left with a changed body and another baby in heaven.

They're having a girl

I mentioned this the first time in my post Happy and Sad at the Same Time but my brother and sister-in-law are pregnant, and due about a month and a half after Elisa's due date.  Well, yesterday they found out they are having a baby girl.

I have so many emotions, yes, I am happy for them, but I am also sad and angry. Our "gender reveal" appointment, on November 18th, was supposed to be a happy appointment, but instead it was when our world started crashing down.  We didn't have a full diagnosis at that point, but we knew something was really wrong. Our OB Dr K didn't want to finalize anything before we saw the high risk doctors, but it was apparent at that point it was unlikely our baby girl would make it.

Not only am I flung back to that horrid day when our world came crashing down, but it just seems like added insult that they are now having a girl too.  I know it wouldn't fix everything if they were going to have a boy, but it would make it a little less hard.

Now I will see my niece be born a little over a month after Elisa was due to come in to this world. And I know the reminder won't stop there.  For the rest of my life, I will look at my niece and think how my Elisa should be doing the same things, learning to talk, learning to walk, going to her first day of school, going on her first date, but she won't because she isn't here.  Why does all of this have to be so hard?

Rant on Medical Bills

Sorry this post is going to be a bit of a rant, but I am pissed.  With all of the grief we are going through why do medical bills have to come in and just add to the stress?  Yesterday I received an insurance claim for a bill from my regular OB's office. I was shocked to see it, not only because it was thousands of dollars and  my insurance was saying they wouldn't cover it, but also because my OB had told me she wouldn't be charging for the visits I have had from November on because since I had been transferred to high risk, she was just considering our visits from then on as "check ins" to see how I was doing emotionally (she is so wonderful for that).

So, when I got this bill I was shocked.  I called my OB's  office, who then told me I would have to call the insurance company, who then told me they couldn't do anything until the billing department re-submitted paperwork.  Well, I called the billing department and all they said was "call the office" and the only information they could give me is the bill is for multiple appointments through January. They couldn't tell me when the appointments took place, or how many were included in the bill....uggg.

I just went back through my records and I already paid the bills from each and every appointment I already had (minus the ones my OB said she wouldn't be charging me for), so I don't know where this "bulk appointments" bill is coming from.  It can't be delivery, because that was handled through the high risk office. So now I have to call the office, and will probably just be told to call someone else again.

It is so frustrating and it is the last thing I want to do.  Every time I call in to the office, they either ask for my due date, or see that I have delivered and say congratulations.  Then I have to re-explain the agonizing truth that there is no congratulations, that my baby isn't here. (again, why don't the people in the medical profession check charts before speaking?)  I just don't want to deal with this right now, but I have to.

I am sure if I could get a hold of my actual OB and tell her about this, she would be shocked  and pissed too. She recently moved offices, and I have found that the receptionists and billing are way more convoluted now. Maybe I will have to mention it when I have my follow up appointment, if it isn't resolved by then...gosh I hope it is resolved by then.

Anyway, sorry, end of rant, and on to more phone calls.

A Child of Mine

A child of mine. I found this poem in a book I just started reading "Sunshine After the Storm, a Survival Guide For the Grieving Mother" When I am finished with the book I will let you know how it is (but let's be honest, it is going to take me a while to finish it...I am well known for making it half way through a book and getting distracted by another)

This poem gave me a different perspective on the loss of my babies. That I was chosen to be their mommy. Even if I didn't get a lifetime with them, I was chosen because God wanted me to have them, even for the little time I did. He knew I would love them more than anything, and although I am now overcome with grief because they are gone, that is only because I loved them so much.

This poem has two versions, one where the baby is a girl and one where it is a boy, so if your little one in heaven is a little boy, you might like that one better.

"A CHILD OF MINE"

Author: Edgar Guest

I will lend you, for a little time,

A child of mine, He said.

For you to love the while she lives,

And mourn for when she's dead.

It may be six or seven years,

Or twenty-two or three.

But will you, till I call her back,

Take care of her for Me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you,

And should her stay be brief.

You'll have her lovely memories,

As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there,

I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over,

In search for teachers true.

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,

I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love,

Nor think the labour vain.

Nor hate me when I come

To take her home again?

I fancied that I heard them say,

'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'

For all the joys Thy child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

We'll shelter her with tenderness,

We'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known,

Forever grateful stay.

But should the angels call for her,

Much sooner than we've planned.

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,

And try to understand.