CD1....uggghh
I knew when we started trying again it would be an emotional roller coaster. I know from past experience, it takes us a long time to get pregnant. But I had a tiny itty bitty glimmer of hope, that maybe it would be different this time, maybe something would just click and we would get pregnant quickly, but no such luck.....
It doesn't help that it had to line up so quickly with Luca's birthday. Not like I needed all those extra hormones to make me feel even more emotional.
We had another meeting with our NaPro doctor this week too, which it was nice to get a check in on things. More supplements added to the list, it's ridiculous the number of pills I take morning and night now, but they are all for the better of my health, and hopefully a smoother pregnancy if and when that happens.
I really do know that in the grand scheme of things 2 cycles is nothing, especially with our history, but I also can't help but panic a little with every CD 1, wondering if it will ever happen, or if my only children will be the ones that are already in heaven
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Monday, August 10, 2015
Happy Birthday Luca
Happy Birthday Luca
Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.
We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating. We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.
My body slowly realized the horrible truth, spotting through the days prior, and then later in the afternoon the low achy pains in my back began. As evening went on the pain worsened. The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.
But that's what a lot of people don't realize about about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.
That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life. Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lighting storm flashed the night sky. Your daddy and I paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain. The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be loosing you.
You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made both your daddy and I separate from reality, we had not sense of time. What is so amazing about this timing though is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby. Which all I can think of is that must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.
We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us. Please pray for us, and love and welcome your little sister up there.
I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.
Love,
Mommy
Two years ago was one of the hardest days of my life.
We had learned just days earlier that your precious heart was no longer beating. We knew your life was already gone from my body, but my body had not acknowledged it yet.
My body slowly realized the horrible truth, spotting through the days prior, and then later in the afternoon the low achy pains in my back began. As evening went on the pain worsened. The pain of your birth was more than I had ever felt, the only thing that has been more painful physically was birthing your younger sister in January.
But that's what a lot of people don't realize about about miscarriage. I did labor, you were born.
That dark August night will be one I will remember for the rest of my life. Labor pains started at in the early evening, as a hot summer lighting storm flashed the night sky. Your daddy and I paced the floor and porch trying to walk through the pain. The lightning striking followed by the pouring rain in the middle of August seemed to parallel how it all shouldn't be this way, that we shouldn't be loosing you.
You were born around 4am on August 10th 2013, I am not sure exactly when, because the pain and grief made both your daddy and I separate from reality, we had not sense of time. What is so amazing about this timing though is around this time of the morning that day, your grandma woke up from a dream of her own mother (whose birthday is the 9th of August, although she passed away many years ago) in heaven holding a newborn baby. Which all I can think of is that must have been you telling your grandma you made it safe, safe to heaven in the loving arms of your great grandma.
We miss you so very much, and it breaks our hearts every day that you aren't here with us. Please pray for us, and love and welcome your little sister up there.
I love you will all of my heart, so much so that a piece went with you when you left.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
28 Weeks
Today marks 28 weeks since Elisa was born sleeping. We had 28 weeks with her, while she was alive here on earth, 28 precious weeks in utero. 28 of the happiest and scariest weeks of my life. 28 weeks filled with so much joy and love for my daughter, 28 weeks of so much fear and worry that she would not make it. Tomorrow marks a line I don't want to cross, more days since she has been gone than I had with her. Every day widens the gap
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