Going Back to Work - The Good and The Bad

Today was my first day back at work. I have really been dreading it.  Not because I hate my job (I don't)  or because I thought I couldn't do it (I knew I could), but because I didn't want return to "normal"

That's because nothing is normal anymore.

I knew going back would be hard, and I also knew thinking about it would probably be harder than actually doing it.  It was more the anticipation of it that was bad.

So my first day back today had some "goods" and some "bads" and luckily the "goods" outweighed the "bads".

Bad - Driving the same route to work brought back the memories of driving that road every day when I was pregnant with Elisa.  I remember driving those roads thinking about her, being excited she was finally there after trying for so long.  At the stoplights I would hold my belly and talk to her.  I am happy to have those memories, but knowing I don't have her here now makes me so sad

Good - Since Mr V and I work at the same company we drove to work together.  It was such a blessing to not have to worry about driving and to have his company as I worried on my way in to work. Multiple times he joked that he was just going to take a wrong turn so we wouldn't have to go in. I love that man, he always knows how to cheer me up

Good - No one said anything super offensive (no "how's the baby?", no "well at least you can try again") Although I know I shouldn't speak too early, I am sure I will get some of those at some point.

Bad - Most everyone acted like nothing happened, like I was back from a long vacation. I totally understand that people didn't want to upset me, and also that they themselves might have been uncomfortable, but one of the things I put in my email to my boss about how I wanted people to approach the subject, was that I would rather someone even say "I am sorry for what happened" if they don't know how to talk to me about it, than them just ignoring it.  I just wanted people, to knowledge what happened, knowledge HER, but most everyone avoided it, even avoided saying sorry

Bad -  They started an art project gallery in our kitchen. 1. One of the first pieces of artwork was a drawing from a coworker's little girl.  I find it hard to see anything associated with little girls, no matter how old, because it reminds me of what I will never get with Elisa or Luca. 2, one of the art projects had a basket of peanuts next to it, for people to take and eat (I guess it had something to do with the art?) sooo there were peanuts, and peanut shells all over the kitchen....I am allergic, like stop breathing allergic. So not the best welcoming feeling in that kitchen.  From what I have heard, this is not supported by the company, but something a random coworker started, so I think if I say something they will at least get rid of the peanuts...I don't like to be a Debbie Downer, but I also don't like going into anaphylaxis either

Good - My team members  all greeted me with hugs and were genuinely happy to see me.  My team director made me coffee cake (without nuts!) and best of all they COVERED my whiteboard with post-its of what happened while I was out.  Some work things, but mostly random things, and inside jokes that happened while I was out, so I wouldn't be in the dark about their sayings

Good - our account lead came up to me and gave me a huge hug, and I could tell in his eyes how sad he was for what had happened.  He said everyone missed me and that he was so so sorry

Bad- we are an open office environment.  Since Elisa's birth I have definitely seen that I have signs of PTSD that can accompany baby loss.  Loud noises really impact me, and nearly bring me to tears.  I can't watch movies that are too loud or have yelling in them, and I am very easily startled.  (I have  talked with my councilor about this, so I am getting the help I need).  But back to the open office environment. I had a really hard time today with people walking behind me (my cube and desk face so that my back is open to the hallway) and was really shaken up when people came to talk to me and I didn't know they were there.  A couple of times I had to take a deep breath and close my eyes just to keep myself from crying.

Good - I had Mr V to drive me home.  I was so tired after my long day I was so glad I didn't have to drive.  And once again, my husband was wonderful.  When we got in the car, he said "OK, tell me about your day, the good and the bad, vent, I am your counselor"  So I told him everything and as always he was so empathetic.  I am so grateful to be married to a man who listens to me and talks things through with me.

Good - Stemming off the above, I am now home on the couch with my lovely husband

So the good definitely outweighed the bad, but I know it is going to continue to be a struggle. Tomorrow is another light meeting day, but Thursday will be hard again.  It is my first day with meetings at our client's office, and that is where I am worried I might get some of the "how's the baby?" or other well meaning, but hard questions.

But I am not going to worry about that right now.  One day at a time....