Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A Different New Year

I am struggling with New Year's this year.  If feel like this is the first time I have gone into the new year with a sense of anxiousness (in a bad way) and a bit of dread.  Even when we were struggling with infertility, I always thought of the new year as new hope "this would be the year we would have a baby"  Well after our appointment on Monday it is very likely that 2015 will be the year we lose a baby, and knowing the time we will need to recover (both emotionally and physically) it is fairly certain that there will be no hope holding a baby here on earth next year.

I think back to New Year's Eve last year.  Yes, it was a difficult time. We had lost Luca the past August, and we had been trying to get pregnant again for the past three months without luck.  But despite 2013 being a bad year, on that New Year's Eve, I thought in hope to 2014 as possibly being the year we could have a baby here on earth with us. There was sadness for the past, but hope for the coming year.  We even did a toast "to babies" with my girlfriends who were all thinking about starting to try to get pregnant. Two of them have since had babies in the last few months, and we still don't have one in our arms.

I am scared for 2015.  Scared to lose our precious baby girl.  Scared to go through labor knowing I wont hear a cry.  And scared to go through all the grief that I know is coming.  Losing Luca was the hardest thing I have had to go through thus far in my life, and I can't bare to think of going through it again with this baby girl.  I know I don't have a choice, and I will have to deal with it if it comes, I just pray that God be with me and give me the strength to endure.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Praying for comfort

We had another appointment at the high risk doctors yesterday, and unfortunately things with baby girl seem to be taking a negative turn.  In the 3 weeks since our last appointment, she only grew 1.5 weeks, and 50 grams.  They also found that her reverse flow is getting worse, and she now has fluid around her heart.

We are just so devastated.  I mean honestly we both went in with the fear of knowing she might not even have a heart beat, so we know things could take a turn at any time, but I feel like before yesterday we had some wild hope in the back of our mind, that maybe she would have caught up on growth, or gained a bunch of weight.  That maybe making it to 28 weeks was still possible.

Now after talking to the doctors, we realize it is becoming less and less of a reality that she will survive this.  We are still praying like crazy and trying to keep hope, but it was a big blow.

I am also worried now about the very small chance that she could be delivered.  The told us yesterday that if she is able to hold on until she is 500 grams, that they would need to do a classical c-section.  This would mean in future pregnancies I would never be able to go into labor, and would always have c-sections, which OK there goes my dream of all natural births, but I thought, who cares, as long as we have our babies, I don't care how they come out of me.

But what was the bigger blow, is that they said if we did have a classical c-section, then we would only be able to have a maxim of 2 more children, because my uterus would not be able to handle anymore c-sections, or the stress of pregnancy.  They also warned me that baby girl could be delivered via C-section, but then pass away only a few hours later.

Devastated doesn't even begin to explain all of this.  I come from a big family, with four older brothers, and I always pictured myself with a huge family.  I know I should be so grateful that we were even able to get pregnant with baby girl, and I so very much am, but also makes me mad that these things even happen.  That people have to deal with infertility, miscarriage and still birth, while others blissfully reproduce without realizing how lucky they really are

Yes, I am scared and sad and shattered that I may have to give birth to my stillborn daughter.  But I am also scared of her making it to viability, having the C-section, only to have her die hours later, most likely attached to a bunch of tubes, and by herself as she is whisked away to the NICU.  As much as right now my womb is not the best place for her because the placenta is not getting her the nutrients she needs (curse you placenta!) at least right now I know she is not in pain and is held by me at all times, knowing how much me and her father love her.

I pray that God give us the strength to continue one day at a time and that He provide our baby girl with what she needs.  If that is a miracle, and it means continued growth and survival, then it would be amazing, but also if it means He calls her home, I need to be at peace with that. I just don't want her to suffer or be alone.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

"All is Well"

Today I wanted to share one of my favorite Christmas songs.  It isn't your typical Christmas carol, but a beautiful piece that really speaks to me about the true meaning of Christmas.

All is Well by By Michael W. Smith

I was introduced to this song when my voice teacher asked me to sing the solo at the beginning of the song at the Christmas Eve Vigil Mass when I was 12.  It was the first real solo I had ever sung, and I was sooooooooo nervous.  Honestly, when singing it, I was so caught up in my nervousness that I didn't really pay much attention to the words.  I wasn't until I stumbled upon it flipping through my old music the Christmas after we lost Luca, that I began to really understand and appreciate the words.  The first four lines, with the words "darkness fell into the dawn of love's light" is something I sing over and over in my head on hard days, reminding myself to let the darkness I feel fall away and let it be replaced with Gods love.

All is Well by By Michael W. Smith
All is well all is well
Angels and men rejoice
For tonight darkness fell
Into the dawn of love's light
Sing A-le, Sing Alleluia
All is well all is well
Let there be peace on earth
Christ is come go and tell
That He is in the manger
Sing A-le, Sing Alleluia

All is well all is well
Lift up your voices and sing
Born is now Emmanuel
Born is our Lord and Savior
Sing Alleluia
Sing Alleluia
All is well

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Advent, Waiting in Hope

Advent, a time of expectant waiting and preparation for Jesus' birth.  I feel an extra connection to this time of year now.  It was just a few days before Advent started that we began this journey of waiting, when we received the diagnosis on November 24th. Being on bed rest, with our little baby girl having a less than 10% chance of survival, and knowing we just have to wait, I feel like I have a new understanding of waiting. 

What I have tried to take from this time, is that there can be joy and peace in the time of waiting.  Although I wish it could be waiting knowing we would make it to term, and with more certainty of the outcome, I cherish this time because I want to enjoy and try to live fully every minute, every second I get with our little baby girl.

The Gospel reading this last Sunday highlighted to me again that this journey of life is not ours to determine, but it will be what God has planned for us.  I think about Mary. At the time of this reading she was a young woman, she had led a good life and had just recently gotten engaged.  It seems like everything in her life was in order as the way it should be.  Then out of nowhere, the Angel Gabriel came to her to tell her she will conceive a child by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that He will be the Son of the Most High....talk about having your life take a sharp turn.  If I were in that situation, I would say "wait, what?! no, that's not how my life was going to be...." and something of the sorts of "do you understand what people will think of me having a child out of wedlock" but of course Mary doesn't respond that way, she simple says "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."

I am sure Mary didn't see her life going that way, or that one day she would experience the total agony of watching her son die. However, she didn't just apprehensively accept what God asked of her, but accepted it whole heartedly, trusting that this is what God needed of her, and that He would be with her through it all.

I have no idea what God has in store for me, and why we had to lose Luca over a year ago, and why this pregnancy has been so hard, and we have had to deal with the potential of losing another baby, but what I am starting to come to terms with (and I know I still have a long way to go) is that God doesn't want me to be sad, he is not causing this to happen, but he is with us in our grief. I just pray that I can have a sliver of the trust and comfort Mary had to say "yes" to what God needs.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Hummingbirds

I have always had a special place in my heart for hummingbirds.  Both my grandparents (on my mom's side) loved them.  They filled their garden with flowers that attracted hummingbirds, and always made sure their humming bird feeder was full. I was very close to my grandparents.  We lived within walking distance of their house and so I would visit them every day.  My grandma passed way nearly 17 years ago.  It was shortly after her passing that my mom was on a walk and a hummingbird flew up to her face, stopped, hovered for a bit and then flew away.

Shortly after my grandpa's passing, which was a little over 5 years later, my mom and I were out together, and this time two humming birds together, flew around us.  I always get the feeling that those two times were signs my grandparents sent us, that everything would be OK.



A little over 2 years ago Mr V and I had an amazing opportunity, when we were house hunting, my grandparents house went up for sale.  We discussed it a lot, because I didn't want him to feel weird living in my grandparent's house, but we decided to buy it!  Now the garden is nowhere near the amazing shape it was in when my grandparents lived there, after all it had years and years of overgrowth, but fixing it up is one of my missions... that I will get to, eventually....  :). Although the garden needs help we have made sure to always keep the hummingbird feeder full and it always makes me smile when I see one come up to the feeder, hover for a bit, and then zoom off on it's way.

So why talk about hummingbirds today?  If you read my last post, you could see I have had a lot of anxiety lately about baby girl and her prognosis.  I have been trying to keep hope, but keep getting bogged down in the negative potential.  Well just two nights ago I had a dream about hummingbirds. In the dream, a hummingbird flew up to our bedroom window, stopped and looked at me straight on and stayed for a while and I felt like I was being told "Everything is going to be OK".  Right after this I woke up (lovely 2am bathroom trip now that I am 23 weeks) and when I woke up, I felt as if all of my anxiety and sadness was lifted off me.  In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that baby girl would make it, but I felt at peace.  I felt that I knew God would be with me through it all, even if that meant the heartbreaking outcome that baby girl doesn't make it.

After getting up to use the bathroom, I was able to fall back asleep, and rest more than I had in weeks, and for the first time in a while, in the morning had a little more hope in my heart.


Friday, December 19, 2014

Happy and sad at the same time

How can you contain so much joy and so much sadness in one heart?  I am really starting to feel the anxiety come back about baby girl's growth.  It has been almost a week since our last appointment, and we have a whole week and a half to wait until the next one.  I have the overwhelming fear that she is not there anymore, and we just don't know it yet.  I am so thankful that we were able to feel her move a few days ago, but I haven't felt anything since then.  I know it is probably because she is so small and the stupid big placenta also is acting as a buffer, but I just want some sign that she is ok.  That stupid 10% chance keeps popping in to my head, but on the other side, the 90% chance that she won't make it, and I spiral into sadness that she might already be gone. I know it isn't healthy and that I have to keep hope, but some times it is just hard.

It has been hard the last few days.  My brother and his wife just announced to us that they are pregnant. Obviously I am very happy for them and I know they will be wonderful parents! I am just finding myself in a bit of a pity party.  They just got married in July, and they are due June of this year, so if you do the math, you know it didn't take them that long to conceive.   I know I have to keep hope that baby girl still has a chance this just seems to highlight again how hard this as been for us, but I am just so darn mad!  I mean, Mr V and I have been trying to get pregnant since before they even met.

They have been very respectful about it, but I still don't think they get how hard it was for us.  My family knows about our miscarriage, and the how high risk this pregnancy is, but no one knows how long we have actually been trying to get pregnant. And honestly, I can tell my brother doesn't get how hard it actually is for us right now.  He is blessed with one of those personalities that if he doesn't think about the bad, then he is just convinced everything is fine. I don't blame him from it, I wish I had that trait!

I know I need to not think this far a head (but I know I will anyway even if I tell myself not to), but I am so scared that baby girl might not make it, and then two months after her due date I will have to endure my brother welcoming a healthy baby.

I pray that God can give me the strength to continue each day in hope without anxiety.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Movement!

23 weeks today.  Yesterday we had an appointment with our regular OB, Dr. K, as a check up.  We are so grateful that baby still has a strong heat beat, 150 bpm. This was just a Doppler check and touch base with our Dr. so no ultrasound, but it was wonderful to know she is still holding on and fighting.

It was also really helpful to meet with Dr. K again, she knows everything we have been through, with struggling to get pregnant, losing Luca, and then how difficult this pregnancy has been.  I am so grateful for her, and I can tell she really cares about us and hates that we are going through all of this. She let us know that even though my care has been officially transferred to the high risk docs, that she still wants to see me every few weeks, just to make sure I am doing OK. And that regardless of the outcome she plans to visit me at the hospital and help with delivery however she can.

On another note, last night at about 2am I woke up to what I was certain was baby kicking and moving!  The high risk docs had said I might not feel her kick for a while, or at all because she is so small, and the placenta is so big that it would act as a buffer between us.  Before now, I have felt little flutters and assumed it was her moving, but nothing that I was certain of.  Last night I could feel her pushing out, like she was stretching  (after all with such little amniotic fluid around her, she really is quite cramped in there).  I couldn't tell if it was her arm, her head, or her butt, but it was definitely her.  I was so grateful that she was giving me a sign that she was still there and still fighting.  I leaned over and woke Mr. V up so he could feel too.  I apologized for waking him up (most of the time when I wake him up, I am kicking him because he is snoring!) but he was just as excited as I was. We both just sat there holding on to my belly and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting and how much we love her.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Waiting

We have our next Dr. Appointment this afternoon and as usual I find myself a wreck waiting.  We will be 23 weeks tomorrow, which means another 5 on bedrest until she could be considered for early delivery, if she can hold on that long.  I enjoy getting appointments so frequently (once a week right now) because it means I get to see her on the ultrasounds more often, but I am so so worried that one of these days we will go in and our worst fears will be confirmed, there will be no heartbeat....

The Drs have given us a less than 10% chance that she will make it to 28 weeks (Which would be when they would consider her for emergency c-section), so our worst fears are a real possibility.  I am trying my best to stay positive and think that 10% is still a chance, but it is so hard.  Mr. V is so much better at staying positive than I am, and I am so thankful that he is or else we would both slip into the darkness that is thinking the worst.

I am just really starting to feel that the waiting is taking its toll on me.  Obviously I would wait and be on bed rest for the next 3 months if it could guarantee our baby would be OK, but the reality of this all is we have no idea what is going to happen, it is most certainly out of our hands, and into Gods hands right now.   So instead of feeling like I am actively doing something, I just have to wait here on bed rest and hope and pray that she will beat the odds and be OK.

It is another 5 weeks of every week wondering if she is still there until we meet the 28 week mark. Wondering if we will continue waiting, or if we will have to deal with the unspeakable grief. Wondering if we will have to deal with months of a NICU stay and the worries and fears that accompany that (I'll take it!), or wondering if we will be planning a funeral for our baby. Today Marks the beginning of week 4 of my bed rest, so at least I can say we are nearing a half way point for now.

"Baby Beluga"

Baby Beluga is the nickname we gave the baby I am carrying now.  We gave it to her less than a week after we found out we were pregnant.  At this time we obviously didn't know if she was going to be a girl or a boy, and we wanted to be able to call her something more than just baby.

Just a few days after we found out we were pregnant we took a vacation on an Alaskan Cruise.  While on this cruise was when we had our first instance of how rocky this pregnancy would be, as it was when the hemorrhage started.  About half way through the cruise I was put on modified bed rest, and basically just had to wait to get back home to see if everything was OK. There were a lot of emotions, between being convinced that we had lost the baby, to glimmers of hope. It was around this time that we saw some whales off the ship.  Mr. V and I both thought about the "just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo, and somehow the song Baby Beluga popped in both our heads. (you will see it a common theme that we actually do break out into song at random times...). From there the name stuck :)

Friday, December 12, 2014

This is not how I Planned It.

I am a planner by nature. I love to organize, research, and to be multiple steps ahead.  But if these last few years have taught me anything (and they have taught me a lot!) it is that it's not in my hands, it's not my plans, it is Gods.  Sometimes that is very comforting, and sometimes honestly it really makes me mad.

I can really say I am blessed in that the early years of my life, pretty much everything did go as planned.  I grew up in a very loving family, I had four older brothers, and parents that loved me (yes youngest and only girl!) Although we weren't rich, my parents made the sacrifices they could for us each to get a good education, I was able to nurture my love of music and singing. I worked hard in school and got scholarships to go to college.

Through college things still continued to go as planned. I met my husband in the Spring of my Freshman year.  And he literally is my other half.  We both loved to sing (met in church choir, of course) and both share a strong faith which I am more and more thankful for every day.  Despite that though, we are actually different in very many ways.  He is loud and out going, I am soft spoken and shy. He is always Mr. Positive, and well I will be the first to admit I tend to rush to the worst outcome.  I thank God every day for bringing us together.  He really does make me a better person and I can't imagine going through any of life's battles without him.

Things continued to go as planned after college too.  Although my husband and I (I will refer to him as Mr. V) had a few of our ups and downs adjusting to how our relationship changed as we went from school to the working world we figured out how we needed to support each other and our relationship got stronger.   Then a bout a year after graduation we got engaged :)

After a year and a half long engagement we got married in July of 2010.  We were married at the Church we met at, and of course had all of our favorite church songs as part of the ceremony.  I remember for the homily, the priest had interviewed us each about each other and then used what we said about each other as the basis for his homily.  He mentioned how we both talked about how the other person made us a better person, and how we helped each other through struggles to come out on top.  Thinking back to that day and that homily as well as our vows of "In Good Times and In Bad" We really had no idea what we were getting into or how true those words would need to be to us in the coming years.

After we had been married for about a year was when "my plan" for life started to be de-railed.  The Summer of 2011 my mom was rushed to the hospital as she went in to heart failure.  She was a healthy, fit woman, and even the doctors couldn't explain why it happened, just bad luck.  She didn't tell me until later but when they diagnosed her, the only positive they had for her was that she would be at the top of the list to get a transplant..  She was in the hospital for over a week and when she did get out of the hospital she wasn't allowed to walk much more than the distance of the house. Through what we are convinced was a miracle , she ended up recovering without the need of a transplant, but it was a long recovery.  Other than my husband, my mom is my best friend and the thought of losing her is unbearable.

We received our next round of challenges in February of 2012 when Mr. V's father was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer.  Mr. V's father was the most faith filled, kindest person I have ever met. And it is in times like today that both Mr. V and I really wish he was around to council us.  Well in what was a whirlwind of worries, and flights back and forth to California to Visit, Mr. V's father passed away only a month later in March of 2012,  It was a devastating loss  and also as a wife, I tried my best to be a support, but not having lost a parent myself, I didn't know how best to help.  Thankfully through this all Mr. V leaned on the faith of his father, and we both continued to grow stronger in our relationship and partnership in this journey of life.

It was around the time of Mr. V's father's passing that we had started to talk about starting a family. The loss of his father put off our decision a bit, but in the later spring of the year we decided we would casually start trying. Little did we know how difficult getting pregnant would actually be.

In the spring of 2013 things started getting very stressful for Mr. V at his job.  He was working here in the states, but his company and many of his clients were global, and he was the only US resource. He was working long hours and we both could tell he was unhappy. We knew we needed to find him something else, but nothing seemed to be coming up.  It wasn't the end of the world that he was working so much, but it just seemed to add one more thing to the pot of stress that we were dealing with.

After about 6 months of taking a laid back approach to it all the Planning side of me came back with a vengeance and said "enough with letting it happen" and we pulled our charts back out and started to take it more seriously.  After another 6 months of trying in June of 2013 we were ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant! We lived in the blissful happiness for 11 weeks, when to our devastation at out 11 week appointment they found our baby no longer had a heart beat.  We decided to wait and go through the process of a natural miscarriage and I "delivered" our beautiful baby Luca Adriana in the early morning of August 10th 2013.

Losing Luca was the most difficult thing I had ever been through and it is part of the reason I started this blog.  The journey that we continued after losing her (we don't know if it was a girl, hence the somewhat androgynous name, but we both thought she was a girl) was just salt in the wound.  We waited to try to conceive again for about 3 months, and then started trying again, without success.

We ended up going through a lot of tests and procedures, ultrasounds, progesterone pills etc and nothing seemed to work. Finally they found I had uterine polyps which were most likely preventing us from getting pregnant.  I had them removed in July of 2014 and then amazingly got pregnant the cycle after!

We found out we were pregnant July 31st of 2014, almost a year after losing Luca.  We were overjoyed, but also extremely scared of what could go wrong.

This pregnancy has been rocky from the start, with a Subchorionic Hemorrhage, and bed rest during the first trimester and now our little girl has been diagnosed with IUGR.  The Drs have only given us a 10% chance that she will make it to delivery and if she did, she would be extremely premature.

This is not how I planned it, not at all.

But in the midst of all of this I thank God that I do have the support system around me that I do.  My loving husband, who is always trying to stay on the positive side, and how lucky I am that he prays with me every night for our angel Luca and our little baby girl I am carrying now.  For my parents, That my mom is still healthy and that she visits every day to make sure I am OK while on bed rest.  For my other friends and family praying that our little girl defies the odds, and knowing I will have the support if it doesn't turn out how we want it.