Elisa's Birth

Elisa Josephine was born sleeping Tuesday January 20th at 11:05am.  She was 9.7 ounces and 9 inches long.  She had her daddy's nose, and my lips and she was so beautiful.  We are grateful for the time we had with her, but we miss her so very much.

Below is the story of Elisa's birth, it is long and detailed, mostly as a documentation for myself but feel free to read if you are interested.

Monday Afternoon January 19th - Doctor Visit

On Monday January 19th, we went in for our next growth and ultrasound at the high risk doctor.  We were so blessed that the ultrasound technician we had this time was so very sweet.  She started the ultrasound by looking to see what was happening with my cervix.  She moved the probe around a bit, and we could tell she was trying to be careful not to show the baby.  Finally Mr V asked, "are you able to tell us if she is ok?" And the tech responded very sweetly "That's what I am trying to do right now.... but I am sorry, I am not sure". Then she turned on the Doppler, and there was nothing........where waves should have been moving to show her heart beat, there was just black. She then tried to look at blood flow, and there was nothing.  Finally she zoomed in on her precious little heart, and it was still, no movement.  She said she was so very sorry.

I squeezed Mr Vs hand and the St Gerard novena medallion we were holding. Mr V. said "we knew this was going to happen one of these days, it is just so hard that it is now" and the technician was so sweet.  She said she was so very sorry, and we could tell she really meant it.

She then asked very respectfully if it was OK if she could take a few pictures.  We said yes because we wanted to know as much about her as we possible could.  On the ultrasound we could tell that our baby girl was not there any more.  In addition to her motion-less  heart, the lack of amniotic fluid was starting to put pressure on her little body.

The ultrasound tech finished up and went to go see the doctor.  Mr V and I just held each other and cried.  As much as we were prepared for this day it still didn't seem like a reality.  Even in our immense sadness we both said how we somehow knew she wouldn't be there today.

After about 10 minutes, the ultrasound technician came back and walked us down the hall to meet with the doctor.  Once again we were meeting with a different doctor, we have seen a new one every single time at the high risk office.  We were blessed again that the doctor we met with was so compassionate.  He came in and said he was so sorry for our loss.  He talked us through our options, that labor was really the best option, which is what our plan was anyway.  I knew I wanted to birth my baby and wanted to avoid surgery as much as possible.  He also reassured us that we did everything that we could have for her, and that this was in no way our fault. I knew this already, but it is always so nice to hear it.

He also said he knew that we would have loved her no matter what, or if she had disabilities (finally a doctor that read our file before meeting us!!) but that Elisa would have likely had severe complications if she had made it to weight to be delivered, because oxygen had not been reaching her brain for some time.  He also said if she had made it to delivery alive, she likely would have passed shortly after birth, which was one of my biggest fears, that she would pass away alone away from us, while I was still getting sewn up.

He let us know we could go to the hospital right away to be induced, or we could come back later that evening or tomorrow.  We decided we wanted to go home and get a few things and have some time to take everything in, and we would head back to the hospital that evening.  I asked him if he could tell me the size of her head because I wanted to make her a little hat.  His facial expression as he read the measurements told me he really did feel sorry for us and his heart ached for our loss.  I was so appreciative of his compassion.

We headed back home and the reality set in.  I had to call my mom to tell her the news, and was somehow somewhat calm.  She told me she would come over a little while after we got home to see if we needed anything.  When we got home we both had to tell work what was going on and then we called Mr. Vs mom and some close friends so that they could pray for us.  We started packing, to make sure everything we needed was with us and at 7:30 we headed back to the hospital.

Monday January 19th Evening - Admitted to the hospital

We were admitted to the hospital at 8pm.  Walking into the maternity ward, with my tiny little bump, I just started feeling like I was in a dream, a horrible nightmare, that I just wanted to wake up from.  I was trying everything to hold myself together but it was so hard.  We checked in at the front desk and they told us to walk down the hall to Anti-Partum where I would start my induction.  Thank God for Mr Vs good since of direction, and his clear head at this point, because I could barley tell left from right at this time.

When we got admitted into anti-partum, we met the nurse that would be taking care of me all night. And man, was she NOT compassionate at all.  I am normally the type of person that can get along with almost anyone, but this lady was so cold and unfeeling, I almost asked for another nurse.  The only thing that kept me from doing that was knowing that she would not be my delivery nurse.  She brought me into the room, not smiling at all and said " you can change into the hospital gown, or not, it doesn't really matter"  She put my bracelet on and then handed me a pill to take.  She said, "here take this, this will start the induction".

I knew at this point that our baby girl was gone, but looking at that pill it just felt like poison. I just couldn't get myself to take it. Mr V was sitting in the chair, which was close, but felt like he was so far away, and he was emailing to tell friends and family that we hadn't talked to yet what was going on.  I just felt so alone and like I was about to willingly poison my baby. So I just had to ask, I turned to the nurse and in a desperate voice asked "so they are certain on the ultrasound that she is no longer there?" to which no-compassion-nurse replied "Are you asking me a question?" in the most annoyed and harsh tone ever.  I replied with tears in my eyes "yes, I know it's silly, but yes" to which her reaction was just to hand me the water and go back to typing on her computer.  So I got Mr Vs attention and said I just needed him to be with me when I did this. I took his hand, and took the pill and just started crying. And the nurse left the room.

A few hours later the nurse came back in and said she needed to check my cervix and just said to take of my pants.Again, great bedside manner....she check and said nothing had happened yet, so she was going to give me the next dose vaginally.  She did that and then said someone would be in to give me my IV.

A little bit later another nurse came in to do the IV.  Immediately I could tell she was a kinder spirit. As she leaned over to scan my bracelet I saw her crucifix on her necklace.  Out of habit I grabbed my necklace.  I did it in a way as a sign to her of our common bond, but also along with my crucifix my necklace has a little L charm with the date of Luca's birth, and I often find myself clinging to it in times of distress (we will be getting another one with an E for Elisa).  After setting up the IV this nurse did one of the most compassionate things anyone did for me my whole time in the hospital.  She grabbed my hand and looked me right in the eye and said "She is with Jesus now, and He is holding her and taking such good care of her, I know this is hard and you miss her so much, but I will pray for her and you tonight"  She also noticed the two candles we had "burning" (they were the fake battery ones since they don't allow flames in the hospital).  For my birthday this year (two day's after Elisa's diagnosis) my mom bought me a white glass candle holder for Luca and a Pink one for Elisa (baby beluga then :) ) and we brought them to the hospital with us to have our angles with us.  We also told the nurse about Luca and she said "Now she will be with her sister, and the both of them are looking out for you"

When she left, Mr V and I both said how she was God showing us compassion and a sign of love an hope in what was such a hard time.

After the IV, which was around 10pm, we decided to watch some TV.  We both cuddled in the hospital bed and watched TV as the very small, short contractions started. Around 11:30 I knew I was tired and that we had a long day ahead of us, so I decided to go to bed.  I got about an hours rest before contractions really started to pick up.

Tuesday January 20th - Induction Continued and Elisa's Birth

Around 1am the contractions started getting a lot more intense and close together.  no-compassion-nurse brought me some pain medication that she said would work for 6 hours so I could sleep, well it only lasted for 2. And so I spent the rest of the early morning hours praying and trying to work though the contractions. Around 4:30am they came back to give me more induction medication and a little more pain meds.  I didn't want to get too many pain meds, because I wanted to make sure I was completely aware of what was going on when the delivery actually happened.

I continued to labor through the early morning and around 8am my parents came to see us.  It was around then that things started speeding up.  Contractions were about 45 seconds to a minute long and less than a minute apart.  Right after my parents got there they decided to move me from anti-natal to labor and delivery.  Our labor and delivery nurse, "nurse K" came to get me.  She was so kind, and was really my saving grace through a lot f what would come next. I was in so much pain by then, I barley remember the transfer to labor and delivery.  Just that I was in a wheel chair, and the contractions kept coming and but that nurse K was already kind enough to take the back way, specifically so we wouldn't have to see any other pregnant ladies or babies.

We got to our delivery suite and they had me change.  By that time, the pain was so intense I was feeling nauseous, and so my mom helped me change and then get in the bed. Nurse K came back in and so did the two Drs who were on call and would be delivering.  We met them, Dr. S a younger woman and Dr G, a middle aged male doctor, who was obviously more senior.  My parents went to go on a walk for 30 minutes as they said they still thought it would be a while until delivery.

Within a few minutes after the doctors and my parents left I was in so much pain, contractions were coming very close together and were very very intense.  Nurse K said "OK I am going to go tell the anesthesiologist that we need him, I think things are going to move fast. labor soon.  She came back and said he was just finishing up with someone, and would be here soon. It was about another 20 minutes before he got there and by then I was in immense amount of pain.

When they sat me up to start the epidural, I started hyperventilating, and could feel like I needed to start pushing.  Mr V held me, and nurse K was so good at keeping me calm.

As a funny side note throughout all of this, the anesthesiologist saw my name on the chart, and asked my husband (in Spanish) if I spoke Spanish.  Mr V being a little distracted by the fact that I was practically ripping his hand off in pain, responded "si" thinking he was asking if Mr V spoke Spanish. It also probably didn't help that the only word I was really saying at that time was the F word, over and over again.  Well then the anesthesiologist started talking to me and trying to calm me down in Spanish! Under normal circumstances I probably could have understood, but trying to understand a second language when you feel more pain than you ever had in your life, is a bit difficult.  Mr V kept translating to me and finally the anesthesiologist picked it up and started to speak in English again.

When they were about to put the needle in my back is when the contractions were at their worst.  This is when I guess I stopped breathing, because they got the needle in, and all I remember saying is "I can't hear anything, what is going on!?" I had lost hearing because I wasn't breathing, not because of the epidural!


Delivery

They laid me back down and before the epidural medicine had even started to flow I felt that I needed to start pushing.  So Nurse K called back in the two doctors.  They checked me and then started having me push.  It was such a surreal experience.  I could still feel most of the pain at this point.  Dr G the middle aged man, was obviously instructing Dr. S in what to do.  I even heard him say "yes, now remember, it is just like what you saw in clinical" great I was a science experiment.... Well they had me start pushing and things were going well for a while.  Mr V told me he could see her, and that her legs came out first.  That was when things took a turn for the worst.

I kept pushing, but it was obvious something was wrong.  Finally Dr G said, "we have a problem, her head is stuck"  He then proceeded to tell us, in what I still feel was the most horrible way, what was happening.  He said her head was stuck and that the cervix had started to close on it.  He blatantly said we had two options, one, they would first try to up my dosage of induction medication, and then they would have to wait two hours to see if anything happened.  If it did not, they would have to go in with forceps, crush her skull, and cut my cervix in order to get her out.  He also added that this would mean I would have an incompetent cervix for any subsequent pregnancy, and the chances of having other children would be minimal. He stopped talking, put in the medicine, and walked out. I am fairly certain I caught Nurse K giving him a very dirty look as he left.

Then I lost it. Threw my head back and started whaling crying.  Hyperventilating crying. Saying, I just want to hold her, to see her face, to take pictures! And why? how? how could future children be in jeopardy too?! haven't we endured enough?!

Mr V had to leave the room shortly to tell my parents the bad news. And I just collapsed my body on the hospital bed. Through my tears I prayed and begged, God, Luca and my baby girl to please, please not let this happen.

Mr V came back in the room and we just held each other and prayed.  Then I started feeling the urge to push again. I turned to nurse K and asked what I should do.  She said to relax, and they didn't want me pushing, that they would be back in two hours to see how things were. So I tried to relax.  Then about two minutes later, I felt something and just new, my baby girl was here.

I turned to nurse K and said "Umm I think she is here" and sure enough Nurse K lifted up the blanket on my legs, and there she was, our little Elisa.

I had the overwhelming feeling that this was my baby girls last sacrifice and act of love for us.  From the very beginning she has been a fighter, and defied the odds, and this was her way of saying "there is no way any doctor is going to tell my mommy she can't have more children" and so she came in to the world on her own without any help, to defy them!

After she was here, Nurse K called in the doctors who were very surprised that anything had happened, let alone so fast.  They then worked to deliver the placenta, which they were sure I would have to go into surgery to have removed.  But nope, again out came the placenta with just a small little tug.

Then however Dr G did something not compassionate again (surprise) he cut her cord, even though we had told them specifically that we wan't Mr V to do it.  I know a minor thing and we should be happy I was OK, but still just an added insensitive act.

 With that, they took the placenta off for testing, the two Doctors left and nurse K started to clean up and wrap up Elisa so we could see her.

I was so overwhelmed with what had happened.  All of the fear and shock we had when things went wrong, and then how quickly they turned around again.  I really truly feel our baby girl was looking out for us through all of this and that she didn't want anyone telling her mommy she couldn't have more children.  I am so proud to be her mommy.

The next few hours were both the best, and hardest of my entire life. I got to meet my baby girl and say goodbye all at the same time.  I will write more about that experience in the coming days