One foot in front of the other

Last week I went for my first run in nearly 8 months.  Since I was on bedrest or just general rest for nearly all of Elisa's pregnancy it has taken the last two months since her birth just to get up to longer walks, and other small exercise. (Before I get too far, let's be honest, I am not a huge runner, I run to let off stress, and I by no means consider myself a "hobby runner"....we are lucky if I'll train for a 5K)

But last week I finally felt I had enough energy and muscle back to go for a little run. It was a sunny afternoon after work and it was wonderful to be outside.  I started out slow, doing more of a speed walk than a run.

After walking for a while I decided to go for it and start running. And when I did it was the weirdest experience, I literally felt like I couldn't remember how to run.  My legs were shaky underneath me and I felt as if I did not have control of my body or my momentum.  Even though I was on solid, flat ground, I felt as if I was spiraling out of control, running with no way of stopping, like when you try to stop while running down a steep hill.

When I was finally able to stop, I laughed at myself, wondering what I looked like....but then I also laughed at how this running seemed to mirror everything else in my life.  I truly feel like I am having to re-learn how to do things now. I am re-learning how to go to work when I feel so raw and vulnerable in my own skin, re-learning how to get out of bed every morning knowing that Elisa won't be here with us, re-learning how to live in a world where both of my daughters aren't here.

Right now everything that I do feels so awkward and takes so much effort.  Going to work and acting like everything is normal, when it isn't.  Having people ask me how I am, and answering "OK", because I feel like it is the middle ground between the "good" they want to hear, and the "missing my daughter" that I want to say.

So just like running, I am going to have to get up and put one foot in front of the other. Remembering my daughters with every step I take and doing my best to honor them with the new person I have become.