Weekend Getaway

This weekend Mr V and I took a little weekend getaway back to the Olympic Peninsula.  It was really nice to get away for the weekend, and get some fresh air, but it was also really hard because that last time we went there was on a specific mission of "Showing Baby Beluga the World"

It was after her diagnosis, and following a very bad appointment, that we decided to take the trip last time.  Knowing that it was becoming more and more unlikely that our little Elisa, then "baby beluga" would make it to live on this earth.

When we were packing and then heading out the door on Friday afternoon, I kept feeling like I was forgetting something.  I ran the checklist over in my head, and also reassured myself that we could pick up anything from a store when we got there if need be, but nothing seemed to help me feel better.  Then I realized what was missing, it was Elisa.  Last time she was with us and now she wasn't.  I was pretty upset when we got in the car. Then just like the wonderful husband he always is, Mr V took my hand and said he missed her too, and that even though she wasn't here (he put his hand on my belly) she is here (put his hand on my heart and then his). God I love that man, and can't imagine getting through these days without him.

As as I know she is in our hearts, and in a better place in Heaven, as Mr V and I spent time on the Peninsula this weekend, I couldn't help but remember the last time we went on the beach, the last time we rode the ferry, Elisa was with us.

I just miss her so much, and I miss Luca. I miss what out life was "supposed to be".  This time when we went on our trip we stayed at the same little rental cottage we often do.  The familiar room reminded me of the conversations Mr V and I had nearly three years ago, about wanting to start a family.  Never in a million years did I picture that we would be coming back now not only without any living children, but having two in heaven, and having all of the pain and sorrow of these years on our shoulders.

I know I have another tough weekend coming up. Next Friday will be one month since Elisa was born sleeping, and a week from today is the one year anniversary of Luca's due date.  I can't help but feel like I should have a nearly one year old, and a newborn right now instead of empty arms. I just pray that some time in the future Mr V and I can look back at today during a happier time, perhaps with Luca and Elisa's little brother(s) or little sister(s).