How can you contain so much joy and so much sadness in one heart? I am really starting to feel the anxiety come back about baby girl's growth. It has been almost a week since our last appointment, and we have a whole week and a half to wait until the next one. I have the overwhelming fear that she is not there anymore, and we just don't know it yet. I am so thankful that we were able to feel her move a few days ago, but I haven't felt anything since then. I know it is probably because she is so small and the stupid big placenta also is acting as a buffer, but I just want some sign that she is ok. That stupid 10% chance keeps popping in to my head, but on the other side, the 90% chance that she won't make it, and I spiral into sadness that she might already be gone. I know it isn't healthy and that I have to keep hope, but some times it is just hard.
It has been hard the last few days. My brother and his wife just announced to us that they are pregnant. Obviously I am very happy for them and I know they will be wonderful parents! I am just finding myself in a bit of a pity party. They just got married in July, and they are due June of this year, so if you do the math, you know it didn't take them that long to conceive. I know I have to keep hope that baby girl still has a chance this just seems to highlight again how hard this as been for us, but I am just so darn mad! I mean, Mr V and I have been trying to get pregnant since before they even met.
They have been very respectful about it, but I still don't think they get how hard it was for us. My family knows about our miscarriage, and the how high risk this pregnancy is, but no one knows how long we have actually been trying to get pregnant. And honestly, I can tell my brother doesn't get how hard it actually is for us right now. He is blessed with one of those personalities that if he doesn't think about the bad, then he is just convinced everything is fine. I don't blame him from it, I wish I had that trait!
I know I need to not think this far a head (but I know I will anyway even if I tell myself not to), but I am so scared that baby girl might not make it, and then two months after her due date I will have to endure my brother welcoming a healthy baby.
I pray that God can give me the strength to continue each day in hope without anxiety.
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