Praying for comfort

We had another appointment at the high risk doctors yesterday, and unfortunately things with baby girl seem to be taking a negative turn.  In the 3 weeks since our last appointment, she only grew 1.5 weeks, and 50 grams.  They also found that her reverse flow is getting worse, and she now has fluid around her heart.

We are just so devastated.  I mean honestly we both went in with the fear of knowing she might not even have a heart beat, so we know things could take a turn at any time, but I feel like before yesterday we had some wild hope in the back of our mind, that maybe she would have caught up on growth, or gained a bunch of weight.  That maybe making it to 28 weeks was still possible.

Now after talking to the doctors, we realize it is becoming less and less of a reality that she will survive this.  We are still praying like crazy and trying to keep hope, but it was a big blow.

I am also worried now about the very small chance that she could be delivered.  The told us yesterday that if she is able to hold on until she is 500 grams, that they would need to do a classical c-section.  This would mean in future pregnancies I would never be able to go into labor, and would always have c-sections, which OK there goes my dream of all natural births, but I thought, who cares, as long as we have our babies, I don't care how they come out of me.

But what was the bigger blow, is that they said if we did have a classical c-section, then we would only be able to have a maxim of 2 more children, because my uterus would not be able to handle anymore c-sections, or the stress of pregnancy.  They also warned me that baby girl could be delivered via C-section, but then pass away only a few hours later.

Devastated doesn't even begin to explain all of this.  I come from a big family, with four older brothers, and I always pictured myself with a huge family.  I know I should be so grateful that we were even able to get pregnant with baby girl, and I so very much am, but also makes me mad that these things even happen.  That people have to deal with infertility, miscarriage and still birth, while others blissfully reproduce without realizing how lucky they really are

Yes, I am scared and sad and shattered that I may have to give birth to my stillborn daughter.  But I am also scared of her making it to viability, having the C-section, only to have her die hours later, most likely attached to a bunch of tubes, and by herself as she is whisked away to the NICU.  As much as right now my womb is not the best place for her because the placenta is not getting her the nutrients she needs (curse you placenta!) at least right now I know she is not in pain and is held by me at all times, knowing how much me and her father love her.

I pray that God give us the strength to continue one day at a time and that He provide our baby girl with what she needs.  If that is a miracle, and it means continued growth and survival, then it would be amazing, but also if it means He calls her home, I need to be at peace with that. I just don't want her to suffer or be alone.