Advent, Waiting in Hope

Advent, a time of expectant waiting and preparation for Jesus' birth.  I feel an extra connection to this time of year now.  It was just a few days before Advent started that we began this journey of waiting, when we received the diagnosis on November 24th. Being on bed rest, with our little baby girl having a less than 10% chance of survival, and knowing we just have to wait, I feel like I have a new understanding of waiting. 

What I have tried to take from this time, is that there can be joy and peace in the time of waiting.  Although I wish it could be waiting knowing we would make it to term, and with more certainty of the outcome, I cherish this time because I want to enjoy and try to live fully every minute, every second I get with our little baby girl.

The Gospel reading this last Sunday highlighted to me again that this journey of life is not ours to determine, but it will be what God has planned for us.  I think about Mary. At the time of this reading she was a young woman, she had led a good life and had just recently gotten engaged.  It seems like everything in her life was in order as the way it should be.  Then out of nowhere, the Angel Gabriel came to her to tell her she will conceive a child by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that He will be the Son of the Most High....talk about having your life take a sharp turn.  If I were in that situation, I would say "wait, what?! no, that's not how my life was going to be...." and something of the sorts of "do you understand what people will think of me having a child out of wedlock" but of course Mary doesn't respond that way, she simple says "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."

I am sure Mary didn't see her life going that way, or that one day she would experience the total agony of watching her son die. However, she didn't just apprehensively accept what God asked of her, but accepted it whole heartedly, trusting that this is what God needed of her, and that He would be with her through it all.

I have no idea what God has in store for me, and why we had to lose Luca over a year ago, and why this pregnancy has been so hard, and we have had to deal with the potential of losing another baby, but what I am starting to come to terms with (and I know I still have a long way to go) is that God doesn't want me to be sad, he is not causing this to happen, but he is with us in our grief. I just pray that I can have a sliver of the trust and comfort Mary had to say "yes" to what God needs.