I am struggling with New Year's this year. If feel like this is the first time I have gone into the new year with a sense of anxiousness (in a bad way) and a bit of dread. Even when we were struggling with infertility, I always thought of the new year as new hope "this would be the year we would have a baby" Well after our appointment on Monday it is very likely that 2015 will be the year we lose a baby, and knowing the time we will need to recover (both emotionally and physically) it is fairly certain that there will be no hope holding a baby here on earth next year.
I think back to New Year's Eve last year. Yes, it was a difficult time. We had lost Luca the past August, and we had been trying to get pregnant again for the past three months without luck. But despite 2013 being a bad year, on that New Year's Eve, I thought in hope to 2014 as possibly being the year we could have a baby here on earth with us. There was sadness for the past, but hope for the coming year. We even did a toast "to babies" with my girlfriends who were all thinking about starting to try to get pregnant. Two of them have since had babies in the last few months, and we still don't have one in our arms.
I am scared for 2015. Scared to lose our precious baby girl. Scared to go through labor knowing I wont hear a cry. And scared to go through all the grief that I know is coming. Losing Luca was the hardest thing I have had to go through thus far in my life, and I can't bare to think of going through it again with this baby girl. I know I don't have a choice, and I will have to deal with it if it comes, I just pray that God be with me and give me the strength to endure.
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