Waiting

We have our next Dr. Appointment this afternoon and as usual I find myself a wreck waiting.  We will be 23 weeks tomorrow, which means another 5 on bedrest until she could be considered for early delivery, if she can hold on that long.  I enjoy getting appointments so frequently (once a week right now) because it means I get to see her on the ultrasounds more often, but I am so so worried that one of these days we will go in and our worst fears will be confirmed, there will be no heartbeat....

The Drs have given us a less than 10% chance that she will make it to 28 weeks (Which would be when they would consider her for emergency c-section), so our worst fears are a real possibility.  I am trying my best to stay positive and think that 10% is still a chance, but it is so hard.  Mr. V is so much better at staying positive than I am, and I am so thankful that he is or else we would both slip into the darkness that is thinking the worst.

I am just really starting to feel that the waiting is taking its toll on me.  Obviously I would wait and be on bed rest for the next 3 months if it could guarantee our baby would be OK, but the reality of this all is we have no idea what is going to happen, it is most certainly out of our hands, and into Gods hands right now.   So instead of feeling like I am actively doing something, I just have to wait here on bed rest and hope and pray that she will beat the odds and be OK.

It is another 5 weeks of every week wondering if she is still there until we meet the 28 week mark. Wondering if we will continue waiting, or if we will have to deal with the unspeakable grief. Wondering if we will have to deal with months of a NICU stay and the worries and fears that accompany that (I'll take it!), or wondering if we will be planning a funeral for our baby. Today Marks the beginning of week 4 of my bed rest, so at least I can say we are nearing a half way point for now.