Fed by Tears

"Oh God, how long wilt thou be angry with thy people that prayeth
Thou feedest them with the bread of tears
and givest them pleanteousness of tears to drink"

The choir I am in just had a concert and these are the words of one of the songs we sang.

This is so how I feel right now.  Lost in my faith, and feeling like God isn't there, and if He is, he is just letting us suffer.

I know in my heart God didn't "do this to us" because he was angry. But I do feel like all I have from him is tears and sorrow.  We have been through so much, and yet what we want so dearly comes so quickly and easily to others, but is through sweat, blood and tears for us.

Why would God put this passion in our hearts for children, yet not allow us to carry one to term, while He allows others to get pregnant, only to neglect the baby or abuse their children?

All I have ever wanted in my life was to be a mother.  Yes, college was important, and I am glad I am in the working world to use my skills, but really, my life goal, and my life passion is that I want to be a mom.

The one thing I want, is the one thing I can't have, and the one thing I can't control when I get it.

If I wanted a promotion, I would work hard, take on more responsibility and show I earned it.

If I wanted a new car, I would put money aside to start saving for one, and research the best dealer to go to.

But wanting to be a mom....wanting a baby?  I can plan all I want, believe me I've tried. And I can prepare, get in shape, take vitamins, wait until we bought a house, wait until we have money saved, and yet with all of my planning, and preparation, still no baby to mother here on this earth.

I am stuck.  What I've always wanted, and what always seemed so easily achievable, - no one in my family has had problems with infertility or loss - is now not easily obtainable and I have to come to terms with the fact that it may not happen, at least in the way I expected.

I guess I have to be fed and quenched by tears.  I have to take what I am given in this life, and make the best of it - because the alternative is to give up, and that doesn't honor my girls, does it?

Lifted Up With Love

Yesterday marked three months since Elisa was born and went to heaven. It was a hard day and it felt like the hits kept coming with Easter, followed by her due date, followed by her three month birthday

Despite being sad, one of the things I have been very passionate about with losing Elisa was that she would be treated like any other child/baby and she wouldn't be forgotten.  It is strength in sharing, that I didn't have when we lost Luca, but by losing Elisa she has given me the voice to talk about both of my baby girls, something I am so proud of.

It's not that I want a bunch of attention, or people to throw me a pity party, it's that I want to talk about, and share about my babies, just like any other mom. But I cant post a picture of her first smile, or the first time she rolls over, so I talk about her anniversaries in heaven, and things that remind me of her.

So yesterday I posted on facebook:

"It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to our Elisa. It seems like we just held her yesterday and yet that day seems so distant in the past all at once. Love you baby girl"

And the outpouring of love and support was more than I could have dreamed of.

First a friend from college (whom I haven't seen in years) Posted this picture!

People remembering that she is our baby beluga...

Then a few more friends piped in with messages saying they were thinking about us and praying for us.  What I love is that no one said anything along the lines of "it will get better" or "the hard days are over" like I have heard so many loss mamma experience when they post about their babies in heaven.  Because those types of messages don't help, and I know from losing Luca that I still have many hard days ahead of me, and most of the time I won't know when they will hit.  I am just so humbled and grateful that I have a network of people who are being so compassionate and holding me up during this hard time.  

I know the thing about social media, is that I can't control what responses I will get back from people, and I was aware of that when I posted yesterday. But I am so grateful that my Facebook friends (whether intentionally or not) just let me be a mom, a mom who wanted to post about her baby, and supported me and lifted me up and let me talk about her, without any "blockers" saying how things will get easier.

The last message on my post last night was this beautiful picture, sent from my very good friend KJL. She left the message "I'm piggy-backing on the first post because why not fill your heart in this special way?? I love you!" and finished her message with "It's like she's saying, "hi momma!" from heaven."

And boy was my heart filled.  Filled with love, and humbled by the support of dear friends and distant ones a like, remembering our Elisa, our Baby Beluga.

Hi Baby Beluga, mamma loves you too!!

3 Months

It's been three months since we said hello and goodbye to Elisa.  Whenever I had to write or type the data today, I would slip and write January 20th, instead of April 20th.  The brain has it's own way of showing me it hasn't forgotten.  I know I will never forget, but it was amazing to me how second nature it was to write her birth day instead of today's actual date. Every. Single. Time.

It feels like I just saw her yesterday, and like it has been an eternity all at the same time.

I keep thinking back to how different my life would be right now if she was here. I would be on maternity leave by now, and I would have a baby girl I could dress in cute new spring dresses now that the weather is nice and the sun is shining. Now it seems like the sun shining is just a cruel joke. mocking me as I see people out walking with their strollers.  It is getting so hard not to be jealous, but I know I don't want to be that kind of person, I just miss my baby girl so much

Getting Some Answers

Over the last month we have had two sessions with our NaPro consultant and two appointments with the NaPro Certified doctor, and for the first time since we started trying to get pregnant, three years ago, I finally feel like I have a support system of care working to get to the bottom of everything that has happened.  Infertility, miscarriage and now stillbirth. In the past I have gone to my OB or other specialists talking about how we do NFP, and that I have chart data, but no one really wanted to pay attention to it. (I really like my OB, but understandably, she is more on the side of mainstream medicine).

Well in my first follow up meeting with our NaPro consultant this week we have already started to ID some potential problems.  Signs on the chart that I might have low progesterone.  This is something I have been suspicious about for a long time now. When we were trying to get pregnant with Elisa, I asked about progesterone, because of research I did on my own.  My OB prescribed it to me and I took it for the the first 14 weeks of pregnancy, but we never did any tests to see if I really did need it, or if I did, how much of it I needed. I honestly didn't know that was an option.  Our NaPro consultant wants some more charting data, and blood tests to confirm, but still, already one item being addressed!

Then in our meetings with the NaPro affiliated doctor she has already IDed another potential issue. I have a MTHFR mutation, homozygous for the c677t mutation.

After Elisa was stillborn, the MFM office did the standard blood clotting tests, all which came back negative. In my follow up appointment in February with MFM, I asked for a more all-encompassing blood clotting test, one that I had read about in some forums, as IUGR is highly associated with clotting disorders. Well the results came back in early March, but no one from the MFM office called me to review them with me.  I read the results on my own, saw the mutation so called the office to see if someone could explain it to me. They put me on the phone with a nurse, who said she didn't know what it meant, but would call me back.  She called me back later saying someone explained to her that this mutation is not typically seen as a problem, unless you have other issues.

At that point in time I let it be, I figured the doctors, especially MFM would know what was worrisome and what wasn't.  But, a few weeks later, I started feeling more uneasy about it.  Having been  a chemistry major in college and having taken biochem, I know just enough to be dangerous. So I went to some of the medical research sites I used back in college for papers and found some shocking statistics. C677t mutation causing  1. a decreased ability to metabolize folic acid (very important in pregnancy!!) and 2. correlation to IUGR (not as large as some of the other clotting disorders, but still an increased correlation).  The problem is, however, that the mutation is a relativity new thing being studied, and mainstream medicine tends to only see it as a problem if you have thee or more miscarriages, or two losses that are related.  Luca was so early we have no idea what caused it, so I guess the mainstream medicine side of things was going to wait until we lost another baby to make a change.  That is not acceptable to us.

I took my research to the NaPro affiliated doctor, hoping to show her what a problem it was, but before I could even bring it up she did (she had all my blood work gathered and looked at it prior to my appointment) She immediately talked about how I need to be on methly-folate, instead of folic acid, because my body can't process folic acid with the mutation, and wants me on an anti-inflammatory diet, to hopefully combat any clotting issues (I will also take baby aspirin during my next pregnancy)

It was so affirming having an appointment where I felt she was anticipating my every question.  I didn't have to ask for the science or reasoning behind anything, or wonder what was being forgotten. She has already done multiple panels of blood work on her own, and plans to do more.

With all of this I decided to schedule an appointment with my OB to have a candid conversation about everything.  Her office wasn't involved in any of the testing, so I know it wasn't on her to diagnose anything (that should have been the MFM office). But I still wish she had noticed the tests. She moved offices a little over a year ago and the office staff at her new office seem to not relay things to her.  I am hopping that I am right, and it is just an office staff thing, and once I make her aware things will change, but I also understand that it could just be that she is getting too busy and I need to look for an OB in a smaller office that will have more time to meet with and re-assure someone who knows she is going to need a lot of hand holding during her next pregnancy

I am frustrated that I feel mainstream medicine has really left me out to dry on all of this. But I am so grateful to have found NaPro.  Thank you to you other bloggers out there who peaked my interest, and my NFP friends who helped me find more information.

Due date

Today was Elisa's due date. Although we are sad she isn't here with us, we did our best to make this a day of celebration.

When we woke up we made some whale sugar cookies, And we took them along with some sandwiches and had a picnic up at the cemetery. 

We sat under the tree by Elisa's plot on a blanket and talked to her and reminisced about all the good times we had with her. 

Luca's plot is just a few spaces down so we could also see her from there. We wish the girls could have been buried closer but unfortunately the holy innocents section at our cemetery is actually filling up :(

After we had our picnic, my parents, brother and sister in law, nephew and niece (P's family) came by the cemetery.  It was so very nice having them all there and it was the first time the kids had come to the cemetery.  I was so grateful my brother and sister in law wanted to come and bring the kids, validating that Luca and Elisa really are our children in their eyes.

Each of us had a whale cookie in honor of Elisa 

We spent the rest of the day at home. We made another batch of cookies and this time decorated them with frosting.

10 Years

Last week Mr V and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary of dating.  Looking back over the last 10 years, I can't believe what a journey it has been.

It was hard, looking back to how I thought this anniversary would be 9 months ago.  When we finally got pregnant, and had our positive test in July, we realized we would be welcoming out rainbow baby just one week after our 10 year anniversary.  We had hoped by year 10 we would have already had a child in our arms, if not two, but knowing we would be welcoming one just days after our anniversary was a such beautiful thought. Our rainbow would be born a week after our 10 year anniversary, and days after Easter.

Fast forward to where we are now, and my belly and our hearts are empty again.  Our little Elisa was not here with us on our Anniversary or Easter.

I am definitely not where I thought I would be 10 years ago but with all we have been through I am so grateful for Mr V.  I know I would not be able to make it through this without him. He is the reason I get up every morning and go through every day. He is my rock, my comfort, my hope.  We have been through more in these last 10 years than most couples endure in a lifetime and we remain strong in our love and support for one another.

10 years ago I had no idea that I would struggle with infertility, and lose two children.  I also had no idea that I was going on a first date with the man who would be my life partner, who would be by my side and endure all of these hard times with me. That the cute guy in choir with the gorgeous voice and contagious laugh would be my soul mate.

Sonohysterogram

Today I had my sonohysterogram, to check and make sure the polyps didn't come back while I was pregnant with Elisa.  We didn't think it was likely that they would, usually polyps take years to grow back, but while we are waiting to try again, we wanted to make sure we have everything crossed off the list that could cause issues.

The appointment went well and the result was no polyps (yay!) but it was definitely an emotional experience.

I was very nervous leading up to the appointment.  I wasn't too worried about finding polyps because I knew even if we did find them, we know the game plan of how to get rid of them: surgery and we've been there, done that, so that wasn't the problem.  The problem was going back to the same office, the same ultrasound floor that we went to all of those times with Elisa.

Stepping back into the office was hard, and when I got up on the exam table, with the blanket over my knees, ready for the ultrasound (you know what I mean) I realized how much fear I had hidden in the back of my mind.

The memories of being in the delivery room with Elisa all came rushing back.  Memories of the doctors hovered over me when they realized there was a problem.  I've had some recurring dreams about that experience (which I am talking to my counselor about, so I am getting the help I need) but it was just a more physical experience this time, actually being on the table.

Luckily Mr V was able to stay in the room with me while I had the exam, and I had the sweetest sonographer and radiologist doing the procedure.  I was able to get through it all with their lovely support and some focused breathing, but I really really didn't like it.

It makes me worry how I am going to react when I am actually back in the delivery room again. When everything went wrong with Elisa's delivery, and they told us they might have to harm Elisa to get her out (even though she was already gone, the idea of my precious baby girl being hurt or damaged in any way was horrifying to me) and that we might have to have a surgery that would not allow us to have any more children, was such a shocking and horrifying experience.  Yes, everything ended up working out in the end and my defiant baby girl came out all on her own, but those minutes where we thought otherwise were the longest, and some of the worst of my life.

I know I have a long time before I will be back in that delivery room again, and many many steps to take before I get there, but I really do wonder how I am going to handle it. I keep finding other ways this experience has changed me. Not only did I lose my baby girl, but I lost the innocence and excitement that goes along with delivery.  I know I will never be blindly excited to go to the hospital, hospital bag in toe, with a perfect car seat in the back ready to welcome my baby into the world. Next time and every other time after, I know I will always remember being there giving birth to my precious Elisa, who was already gone.

Easter

To be honest Easter this year was really hard. We are a week away from Elisa's due date and thinking back to when we found out we were pregnant with her it seemed so perfect that we would be welcoming her so close to Easter.

There was so much hope in that. Thinking back to last Easter when we were so sad and discouraged after losing Luca earlier that year and trying again without any success.  Last year I thought for sure the next Easter would be better.

But once again we spent another Easter at the cemetery this time visiting both our girls.

I want so much to have the hope and joy that used to be with me on Easter but it's just not there.

Mr V and I joined back in our church choir for the first time since Elisa died, to sing in the Easter Vigil service last night. Normally the vigil is such an energizing experience and I enjoy going through the many readings of the old testament. Our church does the service so beautifully. All of the readings in the dark by candle light and the lights gloriously coming on after all of the readings when we finally proclaim the alleluia. The elect are baptized outside by wading into the reflection pond and have water poured over them as the congregation surrounds them. The music is beautiful and the church is filled with the joy of the resurrection.

But this year I did not feel any of that joy. During the old testament readings in the dark I sat in the choir next to Mr V, holding tightly to his hand. I felt an overwhelming feeling of sadness, despair and doubt as each reader proclaimed the word. I held back the tears with each passing minute.

When the lights came on for the alleluia I painted a smile on my face and did my best to sing as if I felt the joy of everyone else. When it came to my solos I had to fight hard to not cry as I sang. 

After the last song of "Jesus Christ is Risin Today" when the congregation erupted in joyous applause I had to sit down. All the energy I used to sing and put on a happy face during the Mass had drained me and I couldn't pretend anymore. I was overcome with sadness on so many different levels. Sad that Luca was not here as a one year old,  sad that Elisa was not here and sad that on top of it all I feel so alone and abandoned in my faith.

I feel like I just went through the emotions this year but a part of me hoped that by at least doing that I would have some ounce of peace or reassurance in my heart. But I left Mass more sad and feeling more alone than when I came.

I know it doesn't help because I will never get an answer to the question but I left that evening asking "why? Why am I spending another Easter without another one of my children? "

Thoughtless Comments

This is going to be a little bit of a rant post, because I am really upset, but I need to get it out.

Today I ran into a girl at work who had her healthy living baby girl a few weeks before Elisa was stillborn.  I ran in to her as I was walking to another meeting and figured I should do the "appropriate thing" and say "welcome back" I couldn't get myself to say congratulations, but I at least got out a "welcome back! how are you?".  Her answer to how are you was "oh not great, wishing I wasn't back at work"

In My head "Oh yeah poor you, being back at work after giving birth to a LIVING baby, my baby didn't live, and now I have to go back to work and pretend everything is ok when it is not"

I of course didn't say that, but just said, "I'm sorry". I am sure it must be hard to leave her baby at home, I wouldn't want to either, but I just wish she would remember who she was talking to....

She then said very quickly, while diverting her eyes said "I'm sorry to hear what happened" and then in the same breath looked me in the eye and said "but you really need to eat more, your too skinny, you need a healthier body"

Geee thanks for pretty much just flat out saying that you think the loss was my fault.

I wanted more than anything to just say that this is how my body is, I am lucky to have a good metabolism. I might be a little more skinny than usual right now but if so that is only because I am engulfed by grief because my baby died.  I wanted to tell her how healthy I am, How much I ate and followed the pregnancy recommendations to a T when I was pregnant with Elisa, how much weight I gained with Elisa, and how my doctors have confirmed none of it was my fault"

But instead I just nodded and walked away. No use having an outburst in the middle of the office

I am just so sick and tired of people's first assumptions being that I somehow did something to cause this. I didn't I did everything right, everything by the book. All the doctors said we did everything right. But my baby still died.  The last thing I need is someone trying to make themselves feel better, and assure themselves it wouldn't happen to them, by trying to reason that I did this, that it was all my fault.

I did everything right and my baby still died.  Don't you dare try to blame me.  I lost everything when I lost her.