A Gloomy Sunday Afternoon

Grief is a weird thing.  For no apparent reason, today has been a rough day.  Nothing really out of the ordinary happened, it's just been hard. The last few days I have been surprisingly OK.  Not that I was dancing up and down the streets, but I had started to get a bit of hope back, and was also feeling a little numb.  Perhaps it is just I hit my threshold and the numbness is wearing off.

In addition to feeling sad, I am also feeling guilty that I am sad (oh Catholic guilt!).  I feel like since baby girl is still here I shouldn't be sad and I should enjoy the time I do have with her.  Like last weekend, when we took our road trip.  But right now, I can't get up the energy to do much.  I know I need to give myself a break, this is hard, possibly one of the hardest things I will go through in my life (knock on wood, I am not trying to tempt the fates to bring me more challenges!).

I am sure it doesn't help that I am still on bed rest.  I know myself, that if I could get up and go for a run, or even a brisk walk, that would shake me out of the way I am feeling, at least a little bit. I know it wouldn't get rid of the sadness, I have a feeling that is going to be around for a while, I mean no matter what, we know we have a hard road ahead of us, but it would at least get me out of the house and I'd be able to get some physical activity.

But if there is one thing these last few years have taught me, is sometimes you don't have the perfect working conditions.  Sometimes you have to make do with what you have. And I need to remember that what I do have is a wonderful husband who knows when to let me be sad, and hold me and when to force me to get up and about.  A husband who I can talk to about anything, who I can cry to about my fears and he will cry and be sad with me.

I need to remember I am doing the best I can.  And if last week that meant taking her on a trip, and this weekend it means laying on the couch and just holding and talking to my belly, then I need to be OK with that and cut myself some slack.  My mom always told me growing up that I was harder on myself than I am on other people, and she used to jokingly (and with part seriousness) say "Maria be nice to Maria" and well that's what I need to do today.  Be easy on myself.

So now I am going to get up and get ready to go over to my cousins to watch the Golden Globes. A little Tina Fey and Amy Poehler is sure to cheer me up a bit.