Angles Plot

Today we visited Glasnevin Cemetery in Ireland. 

This was one of the first Catholic Cemeteries to allow miscarried, stillborn and infant babies (non baptized)  to be buried on consecrated ground. There are over 50,000 babies buried in what is called "Angles Plot". Going here felt like a little pilgrimage on behalf of both of Luca and Elisa.

The plot is full of unmarked graves, but along side are the names and birth and death dates of each child burried there, and some with memorial messages from family members. 

Information from the Cemetery's website "Up to 20 years ago, Mothers who delivered their stillborn babies in the Dublin Maternity Hospitals or Dublin Nursing Homes never saw their baby at birth. It was considered to be ‘better’ for them not to. Dads were totally excluded from the experience of childbirth anyway. The Hospital involved would see that the baby was buried in the Old Angels Plot in Glasnevin and for many parents the ‘bill’ for this is the only recognition they had for their baby
I wanted to share with you the lovely inscription that is on the memorial in the Angels Plot."

Because of babies being taken away after birth and buried without the parent present, some went unknown until years later.  We even saw some memorial stones with messages such as "we are so glad we found you, love your brother and sister", likely given by siblings who found out about their unborn brother or sister years and years later.

It was so moving to be there.  Although I did not meet any other parents while there, it is the knowledge that I have the unseen bond with them, the bond of knowing child loss. Mr V and I said a prayer while there for all of the children buried there, and all of their family members.

One of the most moving moments of this was the inscription on the memorial

angels surrounding the memorial

Someone had left a stuffed dog in the arms of the angel monument at the Angel Plot.  We also took a picture with Beluga Whale and Luca star, in memory of Elisa and Luca

Escaping

As I write this post I am 30,000 feet up in the air over Greenland.  Today Mr V and I headed out on our trip to Ireland.  After Elisa passed away, we really felt like we needed to get away, and do something for ourselves - to have something to look forward to as we continue to wait until we can and want to try again. 

We normally aren't spontaneous, go big or go home people, (well I am not, Mr V is a lot more adventurous than I am) but after everything that happened we kind of had an “F-it” moment and said let’s do something big, to have something to look forward to.

So we bought tickets three months ago, and are now on our way to Ireland for two weeks.

We chose Ireland because it is where my family is from, and for a big trip we felt it would be somewhat relaxing.  Ireland has a laid back feeling, so we feel we could go out  and adventure if we wanted to, but also just relax move slowly too.  We both need this trip to not carry any expectations, we just need to “be”.

We left today (well I guess now yesterday, technically) at 2pm and it was also extra helpful for me that we left on Mother’s day.  This is the third Mother’s day for me where I am longing for my children that aren’t with me, and it was getting frustrating and discouraging to look back at how every year I though the next would be better.  Three years ago we had been trying for nearly a year with no baby, last year we had lost Luca, and were not having any luck getting pregnant again and now this year both my girls are in heaven.  Mother’s day just seemed to mock me.  And on top of it all not many people acknowledged me as a mother last year. This year I have had a great deal of support and many people identifying me as a mother, with the loss of Elisa, but with my miscarriage with Luca, it was different.  No one except Mr V, my mom and dad saw Luca after she was “born” so to most people, even if they knew about our loss, I wasn’t really a mom - but that’s a post for another day.

Before we left today we went up to the cemetery and visited Luca and Elisa.  As of Thursday Elisa’s headstone was installed (long story with a delay due to the cemetery director leaving, somewhat abruptly I believe, and having left our order, and many others incomplete before he left).

Her stone was supposed to be exactly like Luca’s but it has some variances, which in the grand scheme of things, my girls are both different people, so they should have things a little different J I try to think of it about how so many big sisters get annoyed if their little sister’s copy them all the time.  This way Luca won’t be annoyed with Elisa for copying her J

Elisa's stone. 

Luca's Stone

So after visiting the Cemetery, we headed to the airport (we had to be there to check in at 11am).

One thing that we have tried to do with Luca and Elisa is figure out how to incorporate them in to our everyday lives.  It is hard having a family when the general public can’t see the other members; being a mom with no visible children.  Taking pictures of just Mr V and I by ourselves just highlights how much we miss them.

So what I decided to do a couple of weeks ago was figure out how we could incorporate them.  Here is what I did.  Meet Beluga Whale and Luca Star. 

Beluga represents Elisa, who was our “little baby beluga” and she is holding a star to represent Luca, since Luca means light.

We have them with us on our trip, and take them pretty much everywhere we go from now on.

Here they are ready to take off on our flight

As we now fly over the top of the world, as we watch the sun fall behind the horizon as we fly over Greenland, I know my baby girls are flying high in heaven. Up here 30,000 feet in the air, with their little representations, I feel that much closer to them..

Sunrise as we fly over Greenland