This is my last week on leave before I have to go back to work, My return date is next Tuesday the 2nd and I am having a hard time thinking about going back. It's not that I don't like my job or my coworkers, I have some really good, really supportive people that I work with, and what I do is intellectually stimulating. It's just that I am not ready to have things go back to "normal". To wake up every day at the same time and drive the same streets I did every day before this happened. To continue my days, just like they were before, when they are anything but what they were before.
Last time I went in to the office was in November, before Elisa's diagnosis. Once she was officially diagnosed on November 24th, I was put on bed rest and I worked from home. Then after she was born, on January 20th, I have been on medical leave and haven't worked at all.
Not only is it me going back to work and doing all the things I did before, before my world was shattered once again, but it is that I never thought my life would be normal again. Since we had the positive test in July, although I was worried about another loss, losing this baby just like Luca, I pictured making it to Easter time, and then having a baby, going on actual maternity leave, spending time getting to know my baby. And then when I returned to work after my leave, I would have a baby to look forward to coming home to. My life wouldn't be normal, because I would have a baby.
But now, my life isn't normal because I am a grieving mother...again. All of my hopes and dreams and ideas of what my future held, snatched and taken away from me again. And now I have to go back to what things looked like before, even though I am a completely different person. The Maria my coworkers last saw doesn't exist anymore, I am now the Maria who has two babies in heaven.
Hugs... "normal" just won't be the same. I remember hating the word return to "normal' activities after our first loss. Prayers as you return to work.
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