Final Week

This is my last week on leave before I have to go back to work, My return date is next Tuesday the 2nd and I am having a hard time thinking about going back.  It's not that I don't like my job or my coworkers, I have some really good, really supportive people that I work with, and what I do is intellectually stimulating.  It's just that I am not ready to have things go back to "normal".  To wake up every day at the same time and drive the same streets I did every day before this happened.  To continue my days, just like they were before, when they are anything but what they were before.

Last time I went in to the office was in November, before Elisa's diagnosis. Once she was officially diagnosed on November 24th, I was put on bed rest and I worked from home. Then after she was born, on January 20th, I have been on medical leave and haven't worked at all.

Not only is it me going back to work and doing all the things I did before, before my world was shattered once again, but it is that I never thought my life would be normal again.  Since we had the positive test in July, although I was worried about another loss, losing this baby just like Luca, I pictured making it to Easter time, and then having a baby, going on actual maternity leave, spending time getting to know my baby.  And then when I returned to work after my leave, I would have a baby to look forward to coming home to.  My life wouldn't be normal, because I would have a baby.

But now, my life isn't normal because I am a grieving mother...again.  All of my hopes and dreams and ideas of what my future held, snatched and taken away from me again.  And now I have to go back to what things looked like before, even though I am a completely different person. The Maria my coworkers last saw doesn't exist anymore, I am now the Maria who has two babies in heaven.

Dear Luca

Dear Luca,

This day last year was your due date, today you would have been one.  I know we have been caught up lately with our sadness of losing your little sister, but I want you to know how much we love and miss YOU.  You of course are the little girl (or maybe little boy, you can give us a hard time when we meet in Heaven if we were wrong) who made us mommy and daddy. We were so overjoyed when we found out you were coming, when that little stick showed two lines.  It was one of our happiest days when we first saw your heart beat on the ultrasound screen and it tore us apart three months later when it was no longer there.

We miss you so very much. We so very much wish that today we would be watching you try your birthday cake (and most likely getting more on your face than in your mouth) and watching you open presents.  But instead we visited you at the cemetery and left you flowers there.

We did our best to celebrate you even though we are sad, sad that we don't have you and that we don't have your sister.  But I am eased a bit knowing that you were there to meet Elisa when she joined you in Heaven in January, and my heart is comforted knowing you two are together.

If you were here today, the house would be filled with laughter, and you may even be walking by now!  Know that I love you so very much and I think about you and miss you every single day.

Love, Mommy

We made you a birthday cake, lit your candle and sang you happy birthday! It is funnfetti cake (your daddy's favorite and was also the top layer of our wedding cake! He said he thinks it would be your favorite too)

After we had cake, we lit your sister's candle too, and then listened to the Cathedral
Compline service on the radio 

One Month

Today marks one month since our little Elisa left this world.  This time exactly a month ago we were leaving the hospital arms empty and hearts broken.  It seems like that day was long in the past, but also just like yesterday.

Happy one month in Heaven baby girl, we love you and miss you so very much!

Lent - Taize Reflections

This Lent I have decided to post Taize song reflections once a week.  For those of you who haven't heard of Taize, it originates from the Taize Community, an ecumenical monastic order in the town of Taize, France.  The community was founded by Brother Roger Schutz and is composed of more than one hundred brothers, from both Protestant and Catholic traditions.

Taize services are meant to be reflective and contemplative; often in the evening by candlelight vigil. Taize music, used in the services, is typically comprised of songs with simple phrases, usually from Psalms or other Scripture, which are repeated over and over - Using repetition, and music for meditation and prayer.

Taize also has a special place in my heart because Mr V and I have been involved in Taize services since the beginning of our relationship.  Our college campus ministry had Taize every Tuesday evening during Lent. I helped organize them through being in chapel choir and it became part of my Lenten routine to go. Mr. V also attended the services and before we started dating I remember trying to get the guts up to talk to him after one of the services :)

So I want to extend a bit of Taize here, as part of my Lenten journey this year..

First one I want to share is Ubi Caritas, as right now I really cling to those words.  "Where charity and love are, God is there", reminding me God is there in the love of my family and friends. It was also one of the songs we had at Elisa's service

Taize- Ubi Caritas
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est
Where charity and love are, God is there.

Follow Up Apointment

Today we had our postpartum 4 week check up at the high risk office.  We met with a nurse practitioner and when I scheduled the appointment, to be honest I was a little mad they had us scheduled with a nurse practitioner. Nothing against nurse practitioners, but it felt a bit like once again the high risk office was pushing me aside because I didn't have a living baby to worry about. But when we met her, I was so glad we were having the appointment with her.  She was so kind, and so knowledgeable.

First, she started off, with telling us how very sorry she was, and I could tell she meant it.  I am so grateful for the compassionate people in the world.  She ran us through all of our results, the blood work, the placental analysis and autopsy.  And the results all came back that it was a placental/implantation problem, and that the likelihood of recurrence is very very low.

We are so relieved that this isn't a genetic issue, or something that might have a higher chance of recurrence, but it is also hard to take in that it was a fluke.  The nurse practitioner even said it,"It was  just really really shitty luck".  (she apologized for swearing, but I was glad she said it, cause if she hadn't I would have :) )

It is just hard to hear that our little Elisa was perfect, and the stupid d*** placenta kept her from growing.

We are so happy to know that we hopefully have a chance of having a successful pregnancy in the future, but that doesn't change the fact that we want her, we miss her.  Another baby will not replace her and another baby won't fix our hurt.   But through all of our hurt  we are grateful that we hopefully can at least give her a little brother or sister some day.

They recommended waiting to try for another 3 cycles, but 6 months to be safe.  We will most likely wait at least 6 months, just to know we are physically ready, and to make sure we are emotionally ready. Who knows if we will even be ready at 6 months. I know we have a long road of grief ahead of us and I can't even begin to think about the emotional strain of trying to conceive with our record of infertility.  So for now I will work to make myself healthy, in mind and body, and when the time comes we will pray that we will be blessed with another child.

4 weeks

4 weeks...4 weeks ago my baby girl was born silently in to this wold.  It feels as if months have past, while simultaneously it feels like I just held her yesterday.

I miss her so very much. I miss her smell, I miss her tiny perfect little fingers and perfect little toes.  I miss feeling her little hand wrapped around my finger, even though she never grasped or held back on to mine. I miss her precious little nose that looked so much like her daddy's.

I miss how we were supposed to be together right now.  I miss her kicks, her twists and turns reminding me that she was still there, that she was still fighting.

I miss what she would have become, I miss that I don't get to spend weeks with her on maternity leave. I miss that we will never go out grandmother, mom and baby with my mom. I miss that I will never see her become a daddy's girl, because I know he would have been wrapped around her little finger.

I even miss the nights we would have not slept due to bad sleeping patterns, or sickness. I miss when she would have had tantrums, or the terrible twos or ferocious fours.

I miss her and all she was and all she would have become. I miss my baby girl.

Signs of my Baby Beluga in unlikely places

I have become more appreciative every day that we gave Elisa a nickname, and had something to call her throughout the pregnancy, even before we knew she was a she.  I feel like I see our little Baby Beluga everywhere and although it makes me sad she isn't here, I am so glad I have little reminders of her in unlikely places.

Like today, I went to Target to get some thank you notes for all of the wonderful things people have sent us.  And look what was in the stationary section....right at eye level

Of course I picked up a package to use for thank you notes, but then an extra package to keep just to have around the house.