I am struggling with New Year's this year. If feel like this is the first time I have gone into the new year with a sense of anxiousness (in a bad way) and a bit of dread. Even when we were struggling with infertility, I always thought of the new year as new hope "this would be the year we would have a baby" Well after our appointment on Monday it is very likely that 2015 will be the year we lose a baby, and knowing the time we will need to recover (both emotionally and physically) it is fairly certain that there will be no hope holding a baby here on earth next year.
I think back to New Year's Eve last year. Yes, it was a difficult time. We had lost Luca the past August, and we had been trying to get pregnant again for the past three months without luck. But despite 2013 being a bad year, on that New Year's Eve, I thought in hope to 2014 as possibly being the year we could have a baby here on earth with us. There was sadness for the past, but hope for the coming year. We even did a toast "to babies" with my girlfriends who were all thinking about starting to try to get pregnant. Two of them have since had babies in the last few months, and we still don't have one in our arms.
I am scared for 2015. Scared to lose our precious baby girl. Scared to go through labor knowing I wont hear a cry. And scared to go through all the grief that I know is coming. Losing Luca was the hardest thing I have had to go through thus far in my life, and I can't bare to think of going through it again with this baby girl. I know I don't have a choice, and I will have to deal with it if it comes, I just pray that God be with me and give me the strength to endure.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Praying for comfort
We had another appointment at the high risk doctors yesterday, and unfortunately things with baby girl seem to be taking a negative turn. In the 3 weeks since our last appointment, she only grew 1.5 weeks, and 50 grams. They also found that her reverse flow is getting worse, and she now has fluid around her heart.
We are just so devastated. I mean honestly we both went in with the fear of knowing she might not even have a heart beat, so we know things could take a turn at any time, but I feel like before yesterday we had some wild hope in the back of our mind, that maybe she would have caught up on growth, or gained a bunch of weight. That maybe making it to 28 weeks was still possible.
Now after talking to the doctors, we realize it is becoming less and less of a reality that she will survive this. We are still praying like crazy and trying to keep hope, but it was a big blow.
I am also worried now about the very small chance that she could be delivered. The told us yesterday that if she is able to hold on until she is 500 grams, that they would need to do a classical c-section. This would mean in future pregnancies I would never be able to go into labor, and would always have c-sections, which OK there goes my dream of all natural births, but I thought, who cares, as long as we have our babies, I don't care how they come out of me.
But what was the bigger blow, is that they said if we did have a classical c-section, then we would only be able to have a maxim of 2 more children, because my uterus would not be able to handle anymore c-sections, or the stress of pregnancy. They also warned me that baby girl could be delivered via C-section, but then pass away only a few hours later.
Devastated doesn't even begin to explain all of this. I come from a big family, with four older brothers, and I always pictured myself with a huge family. I know I should be so grateful that we were even able to get pregnant with baby girl, and I so very much am, but also makes me mad that these things even happen. That people have to deal with infertility, miscarriage and still birth, while others blissfully reproduce without realizing how lucky they really are
Yes, I am scared and sad and shattered that I may have to give birth to my stillborn daughter. But I am also scared of her making it to viability, having the C-section, only to have her die hours later, most likely attached to a bunch of tubes, and by herself as she is whisked away to the NICU. As much as right now my womb is not the best place for her because the placenta is not getting her the nutrients she needs (curse you placenta!) at least right now I know she is not in pain and is held by me at all times, knowing how much me and her father love her.
I pray that God give us the strength to continue one day at a time and that He provide our baby girl with what she needs. If that is a miracle, and it means continued growth and survival, then it would be amazing, but also if it means He calls her home, I need to be at peace with that. I just don't want her to suffer or be alone.
We are just so devastated. I mean honestly we both went in with the fear of knowing she might not even have a heart beat, so we know things could take a turn at any time, but I feel like before yesterday we had some wild hope in the back of our mind, that maybe she would have caught up on growth, or gained a bunch of weight. That maybe making it to 28 weeks was still possible.
Now after talking to the doctors, we realize it is becoming less and less of a reality that she will survive this. We are still praying like crazy and trying to keep hope, but it was a big blow.
I am also worried now about the very small chance that she could be delivered. The told us yesterday that if she is able to hold on until she is 500 grams, that they would need to do a classical c-section. This would mean in future pregnancies I would never be able to go into labor, and would always have c-sections, which OK there goes my dream of all natural births, but I thought, who cares, as long as we have our babies, I don't care how they come out of me.
But what was the bigger blow, is that they said if we did have a classical c-section, then we would only be able to have a maxim of 2 more children, because my uterus would not be able to handle anymore c-sections, or the stress of pregnancy. They also warned me that baby girl could be delivered via C-section, but then pass away only a few hours later.
Devastated doesn't even begin to explain all of this. I come from a big family, with four older brothers, and I always pictured myself with a huge family. I know I should be so grateful that we were even able to get pregnant with baby girl, and I so very much am, but also makes me mad that these things even happen. That people have to deal with infertility, miscarriage and still birth, while others blissfully reproduce without realizing how lucky they really are
Yes, I am scared and sad and shattered that I may have to give birth to my stillborn daughter. But I am also scared of her making it to viability, having the C-section, only to have her die hours later, most likely attached to a bunch of tubes, and by herself as she is whisked away to the NICU. As much as right now my womb is not the best place for her because the placenta is not getting her the nutrients she needs (curse you placenta!) at least right now I know she is not in pain and is held by me at all times, knowing how much me and her father love her.
I pray that God give us the strength to continue one day at a time and that He provide our baby girl with what she needs. If that is a miracle, and it means continued growth and survival, then it would be amazing, but also if it means He calls her home, I need to be at peace with that. I just don't want her to suffer or be alone.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
"All is Well"
Today I wanted to share one of my favorite Christmas songs. It isn't your typical Christmas carol, but a beautiful piece that really speaks to me about the true meaning of Christmas.
All is Well by By Michael W. Smith
I was introduced to this song when my voice teacher asked me to sing the solo at the beginning of the song at the Christmas Eve Vigil Mass when I was 12. It was the first real solo I had ever sung, and I was sooooooooo nervous. Honestly, when singing it, I was so caught up in my nervousness that I didn't really pay much attention to the words. I wasn't until I stumbled upon it flipping through my old music the Christmas after we lost Luca, that I began to really understand and appreciate the words. The first four lines, with the words "darkness fell into the dawn of love's light" is something I sing over and over in my head on hard days, reminding myself to let the darkness I feel fall away and let it be replaced with Gods love.
All is Well by By Michael W. Smith
All is Well by By Michael W. Smith
I was introduced to this song when my voice teacher asked me to sing the solo at the beginning of the song at the Christmas Eve Vigil Mass when I was 12. It was the first real solo I had ever sung, and I was sooooooooo nervous. Honestly, when singing it, I was so caught up in my nervousness that I didn't really pay much attention to the words. I wasn't until I stumbled upon it flipping through my old music the Christmas after we lost Luca, that I began to really understand and appreciate the words. The first four lines, with the words "darkness fell into the dawn of love's light" is something I sing over and over in my head on hard days, reminding myself to let the darkness I feel fall away and let it be replaced with Gods love.
All is Well by By Michael W. Smith
All is well all is well
Angels and men rejoice
For tonight darkness fell
Into the dawn of love's light
Sing A-le, Sing Alleluia
All is well all is well
Let there be peace on earth
Christ is come go and tell
That He is in the manger
Sing A-le, Sing Alleluia
All is well all is well
Lift up your voices and sing
Born is now Emmanuel
Born is our Lord and Savior
Sing Alleluia
Sing Alleluia
All is well
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Advent, Waiting in Hope
Advent, a time of expectant waiting and preparation for Jesus' birth. I feel an extra connection to this time of year now. It was just a few days before Advent started that we began this journey of waiting, when we received the diagnosis on November 24th. Being on bed rest, with our little baby girl having a less than 10% chance of survival, and knowing we just have to wait, I feel like I have a new understanding of waiting.
What I have tried to take from this time, is that there can be joy and peace in the time of waiting. Although I wish it could be waiting knowing we would make it to term, and with more certainty of the outcome, I cherish this time because I want to enjoy and try to live fully every minute, every second I get with our little baby girl.
The Gospel reading this last Sunday highlighted to me again that this journey of life is not ours to determine, but it will be what God has planned for us. I think about Mary. At the time of this reading she was a young woman, she had led a good life and had just recently gotten engaged. It seems like everything in her life was in order as the way it should be. Then out of nowhere, the Angel Gabriel came to her to tell her she will conceive a child by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that He will be the Son of the Most High....talk about having your life take a sharp turn. If I were in that situation, I would say "wait, what?! no, that's not how my life was going to be...." and something of the sorts of "do you understand what people will think of me having a child out of wedlock" but of course Mary doesn't respond that way, she simple says "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."
I am sure Mary didn't see her life going that way, or that one day she would experience the total agony of watching her son die. However, she didn't just apprehensively accept what God asked of her, but accepted it whole heartedly, trusting that this is what God needed of her, and that He would be with her through it all.
I have no idea what God has in store for me, and why we had to lose Luca over a year ago, and why this pregnancy has been so hard, and we have had to deal with the potential of losing another baby, but what I am starting to come to terms with (and I know I still have a long way to go) is that God doesn't want me to be sad, he is not causing this to happen, but he is with us in our grief. I just pray that I can have a sliver of the trust and comfort Mary had to say "yes" to what God needs.
What I have tried to take from this time, is that there can be joy and peace in the time of waiting. Although I wish it could be waiting knowing we would make it to term, and with more certainty of the outcome, I cherish this time because I want to enjoy and try to live fully every minute, every second I get with our little baby girl.
The Gospel reading this last Sunday highlighted to me again that this journey of life is not ours to determine, but it will be what God has planned for us. I think about Mary. At the time of this reading she was a young woman, she had led a good life and had just recently gotten engaged. It seems like everything in her life was in order as the way it should be. Then out of nowhere, the Angel Gabriel came to her to tell her she will conceive a child by the power of the Holy Spirit, and that He will be the Son of the Most High....talk about having your life take a sharp turn. If I were in that situation, I would say "wait, what?! no, that's not how my life was going to be...." and something of the sorts of "do you understand what people will think of me having a child out of wedlock" but of course Mary doesn't respond that way, she simple says "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word."
I am sure Mary didn't see her life going that way, or that one day she would experience the total agony of watching her son die. However, she didn't just apprehensively accept what God asked of her, but accepted it whole heartedly, trusting that this is what God needed of her, and that He would be with her through it all.
I have no idea what God has in store for me, and why we had to lose Luca over a year ago, and why this pregnancy has been so hard, and we have had to deal with the potential of losing another baby, but what I am starting to come to terms with (and I know I still have a long way to go) is that God doesn't want me to be sad, he is not causing this to happen, but he is with us in our grief. I just pray that I can have a sliver of the trust and comfort Mary had to say "yes" to what God needs.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Hummingbirds
I have always had a special place in my heart for hummingbirds. Both my grandparents (on my mom's side) loved them. They filled their garden with flowers that attracted hummingbirds, and always made sure their humming bird feeder was full. I was very close to my grandparents. We lived within walking distance of their house and so I would visit them every day. My grandma passed way nearly 17 years ago. It was shortly after her passing that my mom was on a walk and a hummingbird flew up to her face, stopped, hovered for a bit and then flew away.
Shortly after my grandpa's passing, which was a little over 5 years later, my mom and I were out together, and this time two humming birds together, flew around us. I always get the feeling that those two times were signs my grandparents sent us, that everything would be OK.
A little over 2 years ago Mr V and I had an amazing opportunity, when we were house hunting, my grandparents house went up for sale. We discussed it a lot, because I didn't want him to feel weird living in my grandparent's house, but we decided to buy it! Now the garden is nowhere near the amazing shape it was in when my grandparents lived there, after all it had years and years of overgrowth, but fixing it up is one of my missions... that I will get to, eventually.... :). Although the garden needs help we have made sure to always keep the hummingbird feeder full and it always makes me smile when I see one come up to the feeder, hover for a bit, and then zoom off on it's way.
So why talk about hummingbirds today? If you read my last post, you could see I have had a lot of anxiety lately about baby girl and her prognosis. I have been trying to keep hope, but keep getting bogged down in the negative potential. Well just two nights ago I had a dream about hummingbirds. In the dream, a hummingbird flew up to our bedroom window, stopped and looked at me straight on and stayed for a while and I felt like I was being told "Everything is going to be OK". Right after this I woke up (lovely 2am bathroom trip now that I am 23 weeks) and when I woke up, I felt as if all of my anxiety and sadness was lifted off me. In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that baby girl would make it, but I felt at peace. I felt that I knew God would be with me through it all, even if that meant the heartbreaking outcome that baby girl doesn't make it.
After getting up to use the bathroom, I was able to fall back asleep, and rest more than I had in weeks, and for the first time in a while, in the morning had a little more hope in my heart.
Shortly after my grandpa's passing, which was a little over 5 years later, my mom and I were out together, and this time two humming birds together, flew around us. I always get the feeling that those two times were signs my grandparents sent us, that everything would be OK.
A little over 2 years ago Mr V and I had an amazing opportunity, when we were house hunting, my grandparents house went up for sale. We discussed it a lot, because I didn't want him to feel weird living in my grandparent's house, but we decided to buy it! Now the garden is nowhere near the amazing shape it was in when my grandparents lived there, after all it had years and years of overgrowth, but fixing it up is one of my missions... that I will get to, eventually.... :). Although the garden needs help we have made sure to always keep the hummingbird feeder full and it always makes me smile when I see one come up to the feeder, hover for a bit, and then zoom off on it's way.
So why talk about hummingbirds today? If you read my last post, you could see I have had a lot of anxiety lately about baby girl and her prognosis. I have been trying to keep hope, but keep getting bogged down in the negative potential. Well just two nights ago I had a dream about hummingbirds. In the dream, a hummingbird flew up to our bedroom window, stopped and looked at me straight on and stayed for a while and I felt like I was being told "Everything is going to be OK". Right after this I woke up (lovely 2am bathroom trip now that I am 23 weeks) and when I woke up, I felt as if all of my anxiety and sadness was lifted off me. In that moment I knew I wasn't being promised that baby girl would make it, but I felt at peace. I felt that I knew God would be with me through it all, even if that meant the heartbreaking outcome that baby girl doesn't make it.
After getting up to use the bathroom, I was able to fall back asleep, and rest more than I had in weeks, and for the first time in a while, in the morning had a little more hope in my heart.
Friday, December 19, 2014
Happy and sad at the same time
How can you contain so much joy and so much sadness in one heart? I am really starting to feel the anxiety come back about baby girl's growth. It has been almost a week since our last appointment, and we have a whole week and a half to wait until the next one. I have the overwhelming fear that she is not there anymore, and we just don't know it yet. I am so thankful that we were able to feel her move a few days ago, but I haven't felt anything since then. I know it is probably because she is so small and the stupid big placenta also is acting as a buffer, but I just want some sign that she is ok. That stupid 10% chance keeps popping in to my head, but on the other side, the 90% chance that she won't make it, and I spiral into sadness that she might already be gone. I know it isn't healthy and that I have to keep hope, but some times it is just hard.
It has been hard the last few days. My brother and his wife just announced to us that they are pregnant. Obviously I am very happy for them and I know they will be wonderful parents! I am just finding myself in a bit of a pity party. They just got married in July, and they are due June of this year, so if you do the math, you know it didn't take them that long to conceive. I know I have to keep hope that baby girl still has a chance this just seems to highlight again how hard this as been for us, but I am just so darn mad! I mean, Mr V and I have been trying to get pregnant since before they even met.
They have been very respectful about it, but I still don't think they get how hard it was for us. My family knows about our miscarriage, and the how high risk this pregnancy is, but no one knows how long we have actually been trying to get pregnant. And honestly, I can tell my brother doesn't get how hard it actually is for us right now. He is blessed with one of those personalities that if he doesn't think about the bad, then he is just convinced everything is fine. I don't blame him from it, I wish I had that trait!
I know I need to not think this far a head (but I know I will anyway even if I tell myself not to), but I am so scared that baby girl might not make it, and then two months after her due date I will have to endure my brother welcoming a healthy baby.
I pray that God can give me the strength to continue each day in hope without anxiety.
It has been hard the last few days. My brother and his wife just announced to us that they are pregnant. Obviously I am very happy for them and I know they will be wonderful parents! I am just finding myself in a bit of a pity party. They just got married in July, and they are due June of this year, so if you do the math, you know it didn't take them that long to conceive. I know I have to keep hope that baby girl still has a chance this just seems to highlight again how hard this as been for us, but I am just so darn mad! I mean, Mr V and I have been trying to get pregnant since before they even met.
They have been very respectful about it, but I still don't think they get how hard it was for us. My family knows about our miscarriage, and the how high risk this pregnancy is, but no one knows how long we have actually been trying to get pregnant. And honestly, I can tell my brother doesn't get how hard it actually is for us right now. He is blessed with one of those personalities that if he doesn't think about the bad, then he is just convinced everything is fine. I don't blame him from it, I wish I had that trait!
I know I need to not think this far a head (but I know I will anyway even if I tell myself not to), but I am so scared that baby girl might not make it, and then two months after her due date I will have to endure my brother welcoming a healthy baby.
I pray that God can give me the strength to continue each day in hope without anxiety.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Movement!
23 weeks today. Yesterday we had an appointment with our regular OB, Dr. K, as a check up. We are so grateful that baby still has a strong heat beat, 150 bpm. This was just a Doppler check and touch base with our Dr. so no ultrasound, but it was wonderful to know she is still holding on and fighting.
It was also really helpful to meet with Dr. K again, she knows everything we have been through, with struggling to get pregnant, losing Luca, and then how difficult this pregnancy has been. I am so grateful for her, and I can tell she really cares about us and hates that we are going through all of this. She let us know that even though my care has been officially transferred to the high risk docs, that she still wants to see me every few weeks, just to make sure I am doing OK. And that regardless of the outcome she plans to visit me at the hospital and help with delivery however she can.
On another note, last night at about 2am I woke up to what I was certain was baby kicking and moving! The high risk docs had said I might not feel her kick for a while, or at all because she is so small, and the placenta is so big that it would act as a buffer between us. Before now, I have felt little flutters and assumed it was her moving, but nothing that I was certain of. Last night I could feel her pushing out, like she was stretching (after all with such little amniotic fluid around her, she really is quite cramped in there). I couldn't tell if it was her arm, her head, or her butt, but it was definitely her. I was so grateful that she was giving me a sign that she was still there and still fighting. I leaned over and woke Mr. V up so he could feel too. I apologized for waking him up (most of the time when I wake him up, I am kicking him because he is snoring!) but he was just as excited as I was. We both just sat there holding on to my belly and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting and how much we love her.
It was also really helpful to meet with Dr. K again, she knows everything we have been through, with struggling to get pregnant, losing Luca, and then how difficult this pregnancy has been. I am so grateful for her, and I can tell she really cares about us and hates that we are going through all of this. She let us know that even though my care has been officially transferred to the high risk docs, that she still wants to see me every few weeks, just to make sure I am doing OK. And that regardless of the outcome she plans to visit me at the hospital and help with delivery however she can.
On another note, last night at about 2am I woke up to what I was certain was baby kicking and moving! The high risk docs had said I might not feel her kick for a while, or at all because she is so small, and the placenta is so big that it would act as a buffer between us. Before now, I have felt little flutters and assumed it was her moving, but nothing that I was certain of. Last night I could feel her pushing out, like she was stretching (after all with such little amniotic fluid around her, she really is quite cramped in there). I couldn't tell if it was her arm, her head, or her butt, but it was definitely her. I was so grateful that she was giving me a sign that she was still there and still fighting. I leaned over and woke Mr. V up so he could feel too. I apologized for waking him up (most of the time when I wake him up, I am kicking him because he is snoring!) but he was just as excited as I was. We both just sat there holding on to my belly and talking to her, telling her to keep fighting and how much we love her.
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