Friday, July 31, 2015

Significant Dates

Today marks the beginning of a long string of "significant dates"

A year ago today I woke up early in the morning, groggy, with my eyes still blurry with sleep and made my way to the bathroom grabbing a first response pregnancy test on my way.  I was up earlier than usual because straight from work we were leaving for our family's annual trip to the ocean, so I had to finish up the rest of our packing and load the car.

As I walked to the bathroom I was mentally preparing myself for yet another negative test.  After all we had been trying for nearly a year after loosing Luca, without luck, and just one month earlier I had a hysteroscopy to remove polyps.  With surgery so recent it was unlikely we would be pregnant.  I would have just waited for CD1 if that was an option, but since I was on progesterone supplements, I needed to take the test to know, and stop the progesterone, so the next cycle would start.

I walked into the bathroom, got the stick out of the packaging, and sat down to do the oh so familiar routine.  With Pregnancy Tests and Ovulation Tests over the last year of trying, and another year prior to that with Luca, I could practically do it in my sleep, which was good because I was tired.

I did the deed, and then put the stick on the sink and set the timer.  There was no way I was just going to pace in the bathroom waiting....so I went and started to finish up the packing.

A few minutes later, my phone timer went off, and I walked back in to the bathroom, preparing for the disappointment of one lonely line.

But it wasn't to my astonishment two TWO lines.  I ran in to the bedroom with the test, and jostled Mr V from his peaceful sleep. IT'S POSATIVE!!! I said, and I could see it in his eyes, as he came to...both from the sleepy haze, and from the haze of doubt, after so much heartache and loss, we were actually pregnant.  I crawled back in to bed, and we both just started crying.  We couldn't believe it....

We started talking and were in awe of the timing.  Just a little over a month ago I was distraught about finding the polyps, scared for surgery, and wondering if we would ever have a baby.

There were so many things that just seemed to make this day point to the fact that things would be turning around:
This day one year ago was Mr V's last day at his old company.  This job was no where near as stressful as the one he had three years ago, but it also wasn't a great fit.  He wasn't miserable, but he also wasn't happy.  July 31st 2014 was his last day at that company, and he was about to start his new job, a role he had been wanting for a long time, and at the same company as me, so we would be able to commute together!

July 31st 2014 meant a due date of early April, our baby would be born just days after Easter, and our 10 year dating anniversary

July 31st, the Feast of St. Ignatius, the patron saint of the chapel where we met, and where we were married

It just seemed like everything was lining up, and that finally we would get our rainbow baby.

Little did we know that just a week later I would start bleeding, and be put on bedrest and we would go through a very difficult pregnancy.  We would be told at 20 weeks that our beautiful baby girl would have a less than 10% chance of survival.  We would be advised to terminate, and we would adamantly oppose, knowing we wanted every second of time with our baby girl, even if that was limited to time in utero.  That our little fighter, Elisa, our little baby beluga, would be with us for nearly 7 months, but we wouldn't get to take her home.

Today is just the beginning of these significant dates.  I know exactly how far along I was at this point in time during both of my pregnancies.  We have Positive test dates, first ultrasound dates, diagnosis day and birthdays.  A week from Monday will be Luca's "second birthday"

So today I sit typing from the same town we visit each year. Knowing when we were here last year I was pregnant with Elisa, and when we were here the year before I was pregnant with Luca and now they are both in heaven, and I am still here missing them every day

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

These last few weeks have been hard...

Wow, these last few weeks have really put us through the ringer.

We got back home being with Mr V's family late last Tuesday.  The time there was good, to be with his family and honor his brother's.  It was also very hard, facing another death in the family, and knowing that the grief would wash over us again.

We had many moments where we were able to reminisce on the good times with his brother S, laughing about inside jokes, looking at old family photos.  Then, out of the blue one of us would remember something that seemed to swing us back to the sadness, knowing he was gone. Simple things, like knowing his "Gamer tag" would never show up on xbox again (Mr. V loves video games, and loves playing with both his brothers online) knowing that we will never see his name pop up for an incoming phone call.

To add to it all, it's just been so hard that so many things seem to have happened all at once.

I knew Ellie's 6 month "birthday" was going to be hard. But it was intensified by everything else going on.

First off, S's funeral was actually on her 6 month birthday.  Getting up that morning was more difficult than ever.  I was trying my hardest to just hold Ellie in my own heart, because I didn't want anyone thinking I was trying to make the day "about me" but I missed her so much.  I had previously planned to take the day off work and planned to go visit her at the cemetery and just take the day to "be with her". But instead I was hundreds of miles away from her, and attending another funeral.

Second, the night before was CD1.  Although we know we didn't "try hard" last cycle, and we knew it was very unlikely, it was still incredibly emotional having the confirmation that we weren't pregnant fall so close to her 6 month date.  I know it has only been one month, and with our track record it is going to take much longer, but I can't help but feel the panic of "is this ever going to happen?  will we ever have a take home baby?"

It just seems like all of this is so much.  I now I only have once choice, and that is to "keep on keeping on" because the only other alternative is to give up, refuse to get out of bed (although some days that sounds really really appealing) and abandon the journey to parenthood. And as much as I am beat up, worn down and terrified of another loss, I know I have to keep going. One day at a time.


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

More loss in the family

I don't even know where to start tonight.  I really can't believe that we have experienced another loss in the V family.  I haven't written much about it on here, because it doesn't have to do with baby loss, but a few weeks back Mr V's older brother had a stroke.  He seemed to be on the mend and was recovering very well but Monday he had a second stroke and rapidly declined.  He passed away Monday evening at only 41 years old

So now we have flown to be with Mr V's family and are facing another devastating loss.

My heart is just broken. Broken for my own pain, broken for Mr V's pain and broken for his mother's pain.

On this upcoming Monday, three days after our 5th wedding anniversary and exactly 6 months after Mr V and I held our daughter for the first and last time, we will be burring his brother.

Mr V has lost so much, I feel like everyone he loves is slowly being taken from him. His father, his daughters and now his brother.  When will the sorrow end?

And then there is my mother-in-law, I cannot even find the words to describe her pain.  I know all too well a mother's sorrow, but I do not know the sorrow of losing a child after 41 years of life. I do not know the compounded grief she has after having lost someone from every generation around her, her own mother, her husband, two siblings, two granddaughters, and now a son.  She has been so strong through all of her losses, faithful that God is looking out for her, but yet again tragedy has struck.

For now we are out of town with Mr V's family, and I know we will get through these next few days of funeral arrangements and logistics, but I just am so worn down from hit after hit, sorrow after sorrow and once again having to return to the real world with another new normal.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Meeting My New Niece

Last week I met my new niece C for the first time.  There were so many emotions involved in this meeting, I was nervous, I was scared, I was happy for my brother, I was sad for myself, I was angry.


Sad and angry that my daughter is not here, that I am childless yet again and others seem to breeze through pregnancy without even a hiccup.  Sad that C and Elisa will never meet, sad that I miss my daughter and will miss her growing up with her cousin.


I really didn't know what to expect when I walked in my parents house to meet her.  We chose my parents house, so that we could stop by and make an easy exit if we wanted to, without being to rude, but being at my parents house was also hard.  Like Elisa should be a granddaughter there too.


My arms were empty walking in to their house, and my heart was heavy.  I so very much want to be, and am happy for my brother, but I am so sad for Mr V and I.


Although it was so very hard to be there, I am glad we went.  I was surprised by my reaction in many ways.  First holding C actually felt good, felt healing.  Holding her made me realize how much I do want to have children here on earth.  Now that we have been medically cleared to try again, I have been terrified at the idea of trying.  Terrified that we will try and we will fail, that we won't be able to get pregnant.  Terrified that we will try and fail, and loose another baby.


But holding C reminded me of why I want to be a mom, and that it is in my bones, in my soul to want to be a mother to a child on this earth, to give Luca and Elisa a baby sibling.


On the opposite side, holding C was hard, feeling good holding her made me feel guilty, like I was betraying my baby girls by enjoying the warm feeling of another baby.  I know my girls know I love them, but I couldn't help it.  I spent the time we were there swinging between wanting to hold her longer, to hold on to that feeling of hope of children on earth, and wanting someone to take her away so that I wouldn't feel so guilty.


What I was even more surprised about was that holding her was not the hardest, it was seeing other people hold her.  I felt like it should be my Ellie that they should be holding and gawking over, but instead they are memorized with this other child, as if the hurt and devastation to Elisa never happened.


It is so strange to be in this place of paradox.  Being full of love and happiness for my brother, sister in law and baby C, but being just as full of sadness and hurt.